but God...

I have wrote some very hard to write posts on here, (besides the obvious of the BI) there have been seizures, Child and Adolescent Treatment Centre, moving out, trips to the ER, calls to the RCMP, abuse from others, drug abuse, alcohol abuse… my list here is so long!

BUT I have had a few posts of celebration: seizure free days/week/years, new jobs, new meds, wonderful doctors, new friends, old friends… that is list just as long…

But… BUT… this post is so amazing, so wonderful, such a beautiful God story that I am struggling to write it as I don’t want to miss anything!

It seems to have started in March (8-9 to be precise) when Dennis, Isaac, Sam and a few guys from church when to a Promise Keeper’s seminar in Winnipeg. And our Sammi stood up and laid all his worries, stresses and life at the feet of Jesus!! (My heart still yells Hallelujah AMEN! When I think of this!!) Then a few weeks later, some major life stresses came down and Sam hit rock bottom …

…he put down his shovel and started the first step of a new journey that will start out to be a year long but last a lifetime!!

He voluntarily entered the Adult & Teen Challenge. You can learn about the program HERE.

He started a ball rolling for his future that was so  inspiring and so God directed that it just leaves us amazed and shaking our heads - not in disbelief but in love and wonder!

I will try to share as much of this fantastic God story as I can remember:

Even after rededicating his life to Jesus and trying to connect with church and God; he was still walking in the life of addiction and not the best of outside influences... which brought us to  Sam having a bad night with some pretty major happenings, which resulted in a bad anxiety attack: crying, throwing up, shaking... and him being so fed up with these attacks and all that went with them -- so how this all played out:

We received a phone call around midnight and we had to go and pick him up in Neepawa as he was stranded for a couple of reasons. He asked to speak to our pastor -- so I had to call and wake him and give our pastor as much of the story as I knew. Sam was still talking to him when we got to town. on the way home, Sam explained a few things of what had happened ... which lead to him being sick... sick and tired... 

When we got home, Sam talked more to us about things and when we asked if he was wanting help via Adult and Teen Challenge (TC), he said "yes". 

HALLELUJAH!!

PRAISE GOD!!

HE IS FAITHFUL!!

Our prayers were answered and our son slowly came back to us that night! 

The next day, we called TC and we knew there could be up to a year long wait list. We were told (Sam and Dennis and I) to read the TC handbook for men and then fill out the application, get all the paper work in order (medical and criminal record check) and do whatever is needed to be done to be ready... just in case he was able to get in. 

It was an amazing week! Normally it is pretty hard to get into the doctor but when we told them what it was for, he got in right away for his physical. All the paper work for his criminal records check was done pretty quick. Sam called and told him work what he was doing and way and they were so wonderfully supportive! 

Then TC called and the admissions officer said that due to Sam's brain injury that it might be best if they met him in person, THEN!!! 

THEN... he called again and said that a phone interview would be fine because he had a good GOD FEELING about our Sammi! After the interview, Sam and I  went shopping, so we were ready when we got a time sorted for Sam to enter the program - this was Friday (5 days after his anxiety and admission of needing help.) While in Brandon, we went to the TC Super Thrift store for clothes and we spoke to one of the wonderful ladies working there (who also happens to be finishing the year long program) and she told Sam to stay strong and not give up on the program. I think her words and her demeanor helped to calm Sam's nerves. He was much more relaxed and calm when we left the store. (Praise God!) 

After another phone call,  TC said that they would like to see him in the program the early next week, so Sam said Tuesday so we could finish a few paper work things (and I was in Winnipeg with Hannah and a separate appt and needed to get home with the car!) I got back to town in time to help with the local running and paper work needing to be done and that night he packed his stuff up and got himself ready for the Tuesday.

There were so many awesome people who stepped up and into our lives -- not just Sammi's that week - those wonderful beautiful Visible Angels!  There was so much support for Sam and his decision to make a huge step, one that was all faith, ALL GOD! It was amazing and continues to be as our new normal unfolds and we not only look forward to all that is going to happen BUT when we look back and see where God was in it all.... simply amazing!

our Sammi saying "See you soon"
 to our immediate family snapchat group <3 br="">

With all this said, leaving our boy, my baby, at the TC centre and walking back to our car and driving out of the city was one of the hardest things I think we have ever done. Please don't get me wrong, we KNOW he is in an amazing place of recovery in ALL aspects for his life - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, but to leave and know that we can't see him for two weeks, then it starts with a phone call.... then visits ... all limited... 

...so very hard.

...unimaginable

...heartbreakingly

Not having a lot of info about what and how this will all work over the next year and having to have a quick bandaid style goodbye...Then satan wanting to work (and working hard!) in my head and myself being so incredibly tired - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually... 

After a talk with our pastor and some dear friends, I am working to work on my own healing journey as well. I have been looking after and then once he moved out - worrying so much about  Sam, that I lost me and my well being (but then again if you have been reading this mess of a blog for any amount of time, this is no surprise! lol) I am trying to take sabbaticals whenever it is possible. I shut out life for a bit and try to just sleep, rest and do what is needed to regain my health. I was told by a wise man (our pastor) that I need to get ready for the future issues that can and will arise... and I know this is true since very time we have had a new normal there is always something that jumps  up to surprise us. We know there will be challenges and we have been faced with a few already but we know that with God as the author of this story we have no reason to worry. He holds it all in His hands, and we will follow where ever He leads! 

As a family we have a lot to learn about the program that Sam is in and I believe we all are ready for it.  And I know we are  excited to see where God is going to take our Sam. He already had such an amazing story to share... it will only get better here on in!

There is so much more that I could write and say, but i'll leave it here for now.

Sam's home for the next year

hardest post ever to write

I have wrote this post so many times now...


in my head and on here and never actually hit publish...
I don't talk to anyone other than Dennis really about this...
and our kids...
we have asked for prayer from a few people but to actually sit and let someone know the whole sordid tale is almost too much...

I struggle to talk about it for lots of reasons:

1. worried how people will react or what they would say (most people don't understand Brain Injuries and so they rarely know how to react to that ... let alone a BI AND other issues)
2. hearing people tell me what I should do or should have done (condemnation for being a terrible mom)
3. having to look people who know in the eye and see 'that look' of pity or worse
4. I can cry at the drop of a hat... again
5. It brings back some bad memories

we are dealing with a lot of things with Samuel again. he is struggling with a lot of things as well... but he won't let us in to help and (I should say maybe its OR) he won't let us.

First of all, he has a drug problem. we don't know all the ins and outs of his use (and I don't know if I want to know) but he has a problem.  we know marijuana is one he uses... a lot.

He lies constantly. to us,  to others, to himself, to God... so much so that we can no longer believe a thing he says. Not sure if this is the drugs or the brain injury...or a combination of the two...  but it causes such grief.

He lives with depression and treats it with the drugs as far as we know along with ignoring it...

He is (and possibly still is - see above issue) in an abusive relationship with a girl. She mentally, emotionally and psychologically abuses him. we have seen her physically abuse him also. she is a  manipulator and very conniving. she can turn the table on someone so fast that they don't even know it. this girl we took in as our family, we loved her -- until she turned a knife on Sam one night and then herself -- and blamed it all on him. she has punched him and slapped him as well. Unfortunately, sam thinks he is helping her. He thinks she needs him. We have been told many stories about her and it worries us so much. she is slowly turning our sam away from us. I pray he sees this and her manipulative ways before things get way worse.

He can't seem to keep track of money (probably because a good portion of it goes to drugs or who knows where).

He has some medical issues that need to be looked after properly (not just partially).

He has lost his license many times and the latest is he has had his car impounded for 60days and has to pay a large amount of money to get his license back.

there is so many more things to say but I can't.  my heart breaks, my eyes cry, my brain spins.... and then I do it again.

I get so frustrated with all the time we spent after his accident trying to get help nothing physically but also mentally - so that he could learn to deal with his new normal... and NO ONE would help.  Now we are left with a man who can not deal with his depression, his brain injury or his abuse. He has never been taught... other than what we could try to help him with - which apparently wasn't enough.

I get so frustrated too that we FOUGHT so hard to get him to where the doctors were even amazed and this is how he is going to live his life.

He is spiralling down so much right now that we can only pray that it is the beginning of the bottom of the barrel...
but we have thought we were heading there so may times before it is heart breaking to get our hopes openly to have him keep digging that damn hole. he is caught in that vicious cycle of addiction and add the abuse to it...


This week I am going to be trying to see what we can do to get help for us. I will talk to the Brain injury association of Canada and see if they can point me in a direction of help (brain injuries and addiction is handled a bit differently than 'just addiction' I believe.) and if there is nothing on that path then I will call Teen and Adult Challenge and see if they can get me help. Along with prayer and faith that He knows how this story will end - because nothing NOTHING surprises God. I can't fix sam or his issues, but we can fix how we will react to him and everything he is going through - so we will do what WE can let God do the rest...

easier said than done...


I read somewhere that if your addict likes you, you are just an enabler.



so we need to stop.
that is just as hard to write as it is to say ...


... and even harder to do...