and the Grief keeps on coming

 

On August 17, 2021, I received a call at about 10:30 am,  from the care home  that daddy's health was declining rapidly. They suggested to bring in palliative care to sit with him as there was not much else that could be done for him.

 We called our kids and our oldest, Joshua, lives about a 1/2 hour away and he went in right away to the care home to say goodbye to dad and to FaceTime with us so I could talk to daddy too. 

It was hard...

Harder than I ever imagined...

but I told him it was ok for him to go and be with Jesus, that I knew he was tired...

we said goodbye and then we made sure that Josh left as well so that the palliative care nurse could come in to sit. 

Just a few minutes past midnight on August 18, daddy went home to be with Jesus. 

He is now free of his mortal shell and all the pain that he experienced here on earth. He is able to walk and talk. He got to be the first one of our family to meet and hold our daughters baby, Theo, who also went to meet Jesus on August 8... 10 days before daddy got there.

My heart is broken at my daddy's passing but I also know that he will be there to greet me when I go home.

R.I.P. Daddy, I love you and you are so missed.

saying goodbye & forgiveness -- all in one day

On December 31, 2016, before midnight, my uncle Norman had a dance with his beautiful wife(my daddy's youngest sister), Lois, at their local legion,  after they decided to call it an early night and head home.  A short while later in the parking lot of the legion, Uncle Norman, started their car, pulled out of their parking space. He then proceeded to re-park the car, turn off the ignition and have a massive heart attack and pass away.
To say the least his entire family (my aunt Lois, their 4 kids and all their grandkids) and the rest of the family were devastated. Dennis and I headed to Alberta to be with my aunt and cousins during this time. My uncle was awesome! He taught... OK he TRIED to teach me... how to peel potatoes KP style (he was in the British Army back in the day) when he was home in Ireland. He taught me how to make amazing Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo, he taught me other kitchen tricks. He had a laugh that was infectious.
I personally felt very guilty about going to his funeral, as I had hoped to go last fall to see them but we went to see my mom instead, so the plan was to go out this spring. I didn't want my last visit with my favourite uncle to be at his funeral, but God had other plans. I am so happy though to know I will see him again and then it will be for eternity!

While at the celebration of his life, my aunt asked me to have a drink with her and N, (N was my daddy's second wife and she and her boyfriend played parts in where my daddy is now in life) and to put the past behind us. It was a very hard decision for me to make... so incredibly hard that I almost didn't want to go to Alberta, because I knew she would be there. But I went, I went and I spoke to her. I told her that I had forgiven her long ago, but that it didn't do a thing for my heart to know that my kids would never know just how awesome of a man my daddy was. I told her how whatever her part, and her boyfriends part... and my dad's part, was in it all I can not convey to my kids how much he would have loved them, how proud he would be of them all and how much he would have been THE BEST PAPA EVER to them! I told her how each of our kids remind me of my daddy and how that breaks my heart (and makes it soar) every time I see it in them. I told her how our Sammi looks SO much and acts SO MUCH like my dad it is scary! I told her that I forgave her because I did it for ME.... not for her, not for daddy, not for anyone but ME. I had to because it was killing me. I told her how I had told dad that if he truly felt he belonged with her that I would support him and love him no matter what. She told me how she thinks of him everyday and she loves him (even though she is now married again) but I told her that I not only think of my dad everyday, I MISS him everyday because my daddy is gone. He effectively died that day and all that is left now is a shell.
I don't ever expect to see her again (but I may if I go to visit my aunt), but I am glad to got to say my peace with her. I am glad she knows that I forgive her but that the choices that were made that day affected not only her, her boyfriend and my dad but they affected me, Dennis, our kids and the future generations of my family that will never know him. Never hear HIS laugh, hear him tell a joke (but insist you clean it up before you pass it on lol), here him tell them how much he loves them and how proud he is of them. I often say to Dennis "I wonder if dad would have....
- had a cell phone and learned to text to communicate with the kids
- had a FB profile
- rode with Josh in his Mack hay hauler
- sat and enjoyed a beer with Sammi on a Saturday afternoon
- talked religion vs. faith with Isaac
- bought our Hannah a bouquet of flowers and had them delivered to the school for her birthday
- would have been proud of me and how I have raised my family

all these things I wonder but I will never know because he was taken from me, from us. But I am so glad I got to tell her. I still want to hate her but I can't. I can't because they not only took my dad from me, they took my awesome kids from their lives too...and sometimes I think that is punishment enough.
With this being said, I still cry about talking to her. My anxiety was so bad that day that it was crushing me. There is more I could have said, maybe should have said, but I hugged her and that was it. I left the area where we were talking and headed to the bar of the legion where the celebration of life was and enjoyed the rest of the evening reminiscing with my cousins and sharing their grief. I buried mine that night.... again and maybe one day I can have someone to share my grief with.....




maybe

{just please don't} say anything

It is that time of year again when the Christmas rush is upon us. There are carols being sung, trees decorated, nativity scene set out, food being eaten, cookies baked ... basically memories being made. And once again I am at a time where my heart is aching, tears are always just there. 

I tried to get into a Christmas-y mood early and set up my Nativity scenes, set the tree up, baked some cookies and had carols and Christmas songs going in November this year --- which is a HUGE change for me. I have been fighting like mad to stay cheery and in what most people would call a Christmas mood. But it is now crashing down around me and I want to sit and cry, scream, crawl into bed and pull those covers over my head until this whole time is over. 

I know every year I struggle and this year is no different -- even with the head start to get into  the Christmas cheer before the Bah-humbugs got me.

But a few weeks ago I found some wonderful pictures of my dad with Josh and Sam just after Sam was born -- this was also the last Christmas (1995) I had with Daddy and  sadly the last time I saw him in person, before SHE and her boyfriend decided to so violently beat him (that was in August of 1996).  I posted these pictures on FaceBook and made a comment to the effect of that as much as I loved finding these pics I wish there were more of him and I together too. This brought comments of "just be glad you still have him" and "at least you are blessed to have him in your life still" and the like. I am sure they thought they were trying to help or that they felt they knew what they were talking about...

But I wanted to scream and rant that I dont have HIM! My dad was taken from me that fateful August afternoon when she and her boyfriend decided to take my Dad's life in their hands. The two of them took my dad from me. They took my childrens grandfather from them. They were able to beat him senseless, cause him to slip into a coma and walk away. Scott free. They both are walking free in the world able to enjoy life and their children and possibly grandchildren....

But what really gets me is that people minimalize my feelings of loss and grief with the assumption that my dad is still 'here'. 

Let me get this out there and set the record straight please.... not just for me but for others who may be living with this too! (I surely cannot be the ONLY one in the world)

When I go to visit Daddy at the PCH, it is only his body that I am visiting. The man in the wheelchair  is just the shell of the man who was my Dad. Gone is the man who had a wicked sense of style, a fabulous sense of humour. His laughing killer blue eyes would literally twinkle when he would tease me. They would dance when he would talk about his grand babies. Daddy's enormous, generous heart is not there. His love for semi's, family and "corny-make-you-cry" country songs is gone. Gone is my Daddy's love for life, singing and playing around with his guitar.

I know I can share all this through my with my kids -- and I truly hope I do, but the hard part is having to tell thim this with him sitting there ignoring me, not knowing me or even worse swearing obscenities at me or swearing very inappropriate things to me. When family/friends (and there arent many) come to see him or talk to him on the phone they are not graced with this kind of behaviour -- so they 'see'(or hear) the best and to be honest, I think Dad probably DOES know them and have memories of them. Dad may know I am "jodi" but the fact that I am HIS daughter is completely and utterly lost on him.

SHE and her boyfriend took not only my dad from us but they took my memories with him.... with him. I am an only child, of divorced parents and my Daddy was my 'bestie'. He and I would spend time in the trucks, shopping, watching tv, playing with toys, visiting family -- it never mattered what we did as long as we were together. I am an only child and I have no one to help me to remember times with Dad. I have no one to share those "Oh remember when we ..." or "Do you remember that time that ..." moments. And even sadder the old memories are now being replaced with the vulgarity he spews at me from time to time (and this is getting to be more and more frequent) and the fact that I am not who I should be to him anymore. His daughter, his partner in crime teasing my gran or my aunt, the one he would phone from work to share a joke with. I have no one to share the work load with (other than Dennis), guilt resides where love should when I cant get to see him and he has had no visitors for a few weeks. Guilt sits where love should when I tell people that my Dad died that day when he was beaten and I am told by others "be happy he is still alive". People who never knew my Dad or knew how our relationship was. How much I loved him and he loved me. How much we talked and laughed in a phone call, or how much was never said but felt as we would sit and watch an old movie or go for a coffee. I tell him now that I love him and his response is "i love you' but then it is his response to everyone from the nurses aid to one of the maintenance guys,  whether they say it to him or not. 

I dont know if I will ever get to fully grieve, because of  these ideas that I am "lucky" to have him. I WAS very lucky to have him as my Daddy but  now he is gone and I am left with his shell and a huge empty hole in my heart where he used to be. 

Ambiguous loss sucks and what really sucks is that no one understands(what I live with is the same as with someone who is caregiving someone with Alzheimers or Dementia)... and the huge irony in this all is that I am living the same issues that my survivors are with the need for education of what we are living. 

If in your travels you happen to encounter someone who may be struggling (or they may not 'seem' to be because they are working hard to keep it under wraps) with loss or grief, please choose your words carefully. You never know what hurts or holes they are trying to heal or deal with. And when it comes to loss you just never know... there are many, many kinds... 

And if you ARE struggling with this horrible ambiguous loss issue,  I would be interested to know how you handle it whether it be graciously or not. Do you have a standard go to answer for people if they happen to belittle your feelings or do you go from the cuff? What do YOU do?