I thot burn outs were for light bulbs?!

Burnt out?
Me?
nope?
not really...
well...
maybe a bit...
yes I am tired...
but isnt everyone?
I know I need to take time for me...
but where do I find it in the day?
I am trying...
really...






I read an article the other day about caregiver burn out. 
I never gave it a thot...
but now I am out of commission ...  to a point
I am on the couch
leg up on a pillow
and told to 'rest it'
I have stretched or tore (something) to my right ACL (which was reconstructed a few years ago) and it looks like my left one could be on its way out too.

After reading the article/letter it was like walking into a brick wall.
This is our life.
Both Dennis and I work hard with the farm, the kids, the kids activities, our parents (there are 4 separate groups of them!), and then add in there that 3 of our members are brain injury survivors.
We struggle with Sam and his issues daily, I do what I can for my dad but thankfully there is the care home to really work with him. But then there is Dennis. Most people dont realize he has an injury but he does and he is so much more like Sam then he wants to admit. I have trouble talking to him about his issues because he IS so much like Sam. Telling him this tho is almost not an option.

So I keep on going (kinda like the energizer bunny)
now I am on my chair with my leg up...

I am physically done (for now) and emotionally I am at the end of my rope and that proverbial knot is slowly starting to unwind. But there is no where or no one for us to turn to for help. Our family options are nil. We went to them a few months back and got no where... so we keep going. We have no really close friends either to ask for some help. And everyone is busy and has their own things to deal with so why would  I burden them?

So...
I keep going.

I feel resentment from my household now that I am suck with my leg up. I feel like they are upset because I am not able to do what my 'job' is as caregiver. Even tho I do what I can (and to be honest I do a lot of what I am not supposed to do -- cuz if I dont who will!?!) their resent meant and attitude make me somedays want to pack it all in and do a run away and let them all deal with it ALL on their own.

But I won't ...
where would I go?

coming clean

I finally told my dad about Sam’s brain injury. I didnt go into details, just generalities and it felt so good to tell him. I told him that why we are not always able to be visiting him (appointments) but we want to be able to more. I told him about Sam and the epilepsy and I asked if he know what it meant for him to have seizures and he said ‘he shakes’...

It was such a relief for me to tell daddy about it. I would start to feel sick at even the thot of going to see him because the whole visit was  pins and needles about  what to talk about. I would start to tell him about my week (which usually entails doctor visits, trips to Wpg, etc) and then I would have to stop myself in mid sentence or thot. I was a wreck when it would come time to see him. I hated not being able to be honest about things, but I thot that it was for the best. I dont know how much of anything he understands and comprehends. I dont want him to be worrying about what is happening in our lives and with me. I dont want him stressing out that things are the way they are. 

But last week as I sat with dad watching tv on our usual Thursday night dates. I looked over and just told him. I just gave him very brief story that Sam has a brain injury like him, but  is doing great, except for the epilepsy, but even that is under control. I explained about appoints we go to and things we do, but I did not explain the extent of Sam’s injury or how it happened. I dont think he needs to know all of that! 

After I explained things to him and made sure he understood I told him that it felt good for him to know and he looked at me and said “i love you”... for dad it is a typical response for a lot of things but this time I will pretend that he fully understood what I told him and he genuinely felt that was what he HAD to tell me then. I told him I loved him too and I missed our talks. He smiled and said “i love you”... 

I dont know if it was the right thing to do... but I dont know if I know the right thing to do with a lot of things these days. All I am doing now is what I feel is right at that time.

And it felt right...

The Banner -- Brain Injury Article

June is Traumatic Brain Injury Awareness Month  

By Rita Friesen

It is a natural progression from ally to advocate. For Jodi Ginter there have been a series of events in her life that have caused her to become involved with survivors of traumatic brain injuries. On a daily basis Jodi faces three very different types of brain injuries. Her son, her husband and her father all come under that broad category. What most of us don’t understand is that brain injuries can be caused by accidents, sports injuries, strokes and whenever the brain is without oxygen for a period of time.

The effects of a brain injury are as varied as the individuals that suffer with them. For some the taste and texture of food changes, dramatically. Old favourite foods now taste repulsive. Smell present differently. And often words become elusive. For some the nouns are like drops of mercury, skittering away when needed. For others it can be verbs, or simply longer words. Most of us also don’t understand the torments of the personal journey of the survivors. It requires an incredible amount of courage and stamina to walk through the routine of a regular day. Going to school, going shopping or even hanging out with friends saps their inner strength and resources. The ultimate goal is to look normal, to fit in. To be accepted. When such huge deposits of coping skills are withdrawn for a public appearance, too often the reserve is empty by the time our loved ones are safely back home. Home is where the negative energy can be dispelled, and is.

Studying the effects of brain injury is enlightening. I had several aha! moments. The effects are often invisible, as are the symptoms of mental health diseases. The public fears the unknown and the unseen. People with brain injuries, and mental health issues, only go outside the home on their good days. So they look normal, but they pay a high emotional price for that. Individuals from both groups have been heard to say that they wish they suffered from cancer, because people understand that.

Jodi’s initial aim was to educate her immediate family about brain injury and the effects. She wanted people to know that when a survivor is out in public they are trying desperately to cope with a barrage of outside senses. They are processing sights and smells and their brain is literally making new maps and tracing new images of ordinary events. That’s hard work. Jodi spent a great deal of time with her son as he recovered from his injury. Knowing him well, she was able to decipher his wants and his dislikes. Unlike the doctors who have the book learning, or nurses that spend short periods with a patient, as a mother Jodi listened and learned from her son. The natural progression from ally to advocate occurred rapidly. With an excellent command of the English language and a commanding mother presence, Jodi got the attention of the professional staff. She was not ‘just a mom’. She was a primary caregiver. Her son lost twenty-five pounds in his initial hospital stay. When food aversions due to a perceived change in taste, texture and smell, caused a loss of appetite, Jodi and the listening staff worked to find food that could be enjoyed.

The roll as advocate has broadened to educator. Jodi was asked to present her journey and it’s lessons to a class of nursing students at ACC. She and her family work with the MBIA, Manitoba Brain Injury Association. The group has chosen an oak leaf as their symbol, the oak tree being recognised for its strength. These oak leaves appear in different colours representing the uniqueness of the survivors. The organization provides a support group, a safe place where people speak the same language.

When asked what one thing She would like people to understand, Jodi replied,’ Please do not assume that everything is fine just because they look fine. There is a hidden picture.’ Survivors constantly fight the image of people with brain injuries being dumb. They fight feeling dumb.

Jodi Holmes Ginter is a remarkable individual. Despite the dramatic twists and turns that life has tossed her way, her faith remains strong. She appreciates deeply the miracles their family has witnessed. Jodi can even appreciate God’s sense of humour. How did he ever figure her to be strong enough to deal with so many things- wife, farming partner, mother of four, daughter and friend – and advocate for three loved ones with brain injuries!

This month is Brain Injury Awareness Month. To gain a better understanding of the issue follow Jodi’s blog. http://visibleangels.blogspot.com

3 men and baby?!? um no just me

I have been wanting to post this for a while now but due to other things happening (both blessings and not so much blessings) I seemed to put it off more and more. But today I thought I would sit and spend the next day or two getting it all (or as much of it as I can) out and on here.

So please indulge for me for a bit while I tell you about 3 (of the 5) men in my life that are my blessings and my cause for many tears, of both happiness and frustration!

First is Sam.

My Sammi.

He was my biggest baby at 8lb 13oz and from there on was at the low end of the birth rate scales -- now being my 'smallest' (extremely lean and thin at 5'8" and just barely now 123lbs). He was my quiet baby that would grunt softly for feeding times and he loved to snuggle with me. He was 'my' boy just as Josh was 'dad's' boy...

As you know this blog was started because of an accident that he had on July 29/08 with a .22 calibre rifle that accidentally discharged and struck him in the head -- resulting in a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). At this moment in life ( and I am SURE forever) he is my constant reminder that God DOES perform miracles and we should look for them everyday but he is also a reminder that God allows things to happen so He can work thru you, so that other things (maybe another miracle) can happen to someone else (or even yourself!)

Our home usually has daily drama that has occured from either a.) a TBI moment/issue/backlash b.) teen angst or c.) cuz I truely believe God has a wonderful (and possibly warped) sense of humour! I am sure this is the same with every other house in Canada, USA and the world, but when it is happening in your kitchen -- and you are in the centre of it-- nothing else is happening anywhere else in the universe but there!

Sam has been working hard to not only reach his goals but he usually surpasses them by huge leaps and bounds and in a time that is unbelievable to not only us (as parents) but to the doctors as well. All you really need to do is go back and read a few posts from last year to know what I am talking about here... heck go back and read them all to get the full affect of the whole situation!

I wanted to make this post tho to also introduce you to the other 2 men in my life that are not only challenges but huge incredible blessings from God. These are men who yes, do challenge my patience, my sanity and my creativity...

First is my dad.

He is now 62yrs old and lives in the local Personal Care Home near us. We see him every week (sometimes a few times) for visits, ice cream, apple pies, dinner, etc. He was my daddy. He was my knight in shining armour as a little girl, as a teen and yes even as a grown woman  with 2 small children (at the time of his 'accident'-- he was 48) He had many, many faults(dont we all!?!) but as with most girls- their dad is the best. 

On Dec 16, 1995 Sam was born in Neepawa, Manitoba, Papa (my dad) was called to announce the birth(he lived in Bruderheim,Alberta), 4 days later both Sam and I were allowed to go home and on Dec. 22 somewhere around 3AM there was a knock on our door and there stood my dad. Smiling, tired but smiling and wanting to see his grandsons, Josh and Sam. We spent a great Christmas with him and when he left for home on the 27th early in the morning he gave me his favorite jean jacket, kissed and hugged me goodbye and promised to call when he got home. He did and he and I spoke on the phone at least 2-3 times a week after that until Aug long weekend 1996. (I still have the jean jacket ☺)

That was the weekend my mom was remarried to Dwayne and my dad was beaten up by his almost exwife's boyfriend with some help from her too. I wont go into the gory details surrounding the beating but it is enough to say that my dad is now a limited mobility quadripeligic with severe brain damage that has him more like a 7-8 yr old most days (on a 'good' day). I treasure that Christmas with my dad. It was an amazing gift from God, something that I will always hold dear in my heart.

Now my dad has more off days than on it seems. He will talk more with Dennis or the kids than with me, but maybe that is because our last conversation we had had (on the saturday morning of my mom's wedding)ended in a disagreement...I dont know.  We are never quite sure what is going on in his head so we are very cautious with what we tell him (he doesnt know about Sam's accident) in case in his more lucid moments he worries and frets about things.

He almost ALWAYS know Dennis and the kids, my mom and his siblings but sometimes I am a sibling or someone totally random. He was at Dennis' wedding but not mine! (Dennis assures me I am his first wife☺) I had thot maybe my dad would confuse me with my mom (Debbi) since we look alot alike and call my daughter Hannah 'Jodi' (since we also look alot alike!) but he has NEVER made that mistake. (Isaac and Hannah were both born after his TBI). 

There are many issues that we regularily deal with, with my dad but its all good. He is in a wonderful PCH that has great nurses and aids and other staff supports. We are able to see him more regular now that he has moved here with us to Manitoba (he was living in Alberta with his gf (who looked after his care) up until about 6 years ago).

When we ask my dad to sing songs with us he can do it without thinking but ask him what he did today and sit back for a giggle cuz some of his days are great! Once he was with my granddad buying a new car off the showroom floor! (I checked this story out and it never happened) Another time was when he moved from the old lodge to the new facility he thought he had moved to Gravenhurst, Ontario (this is where he is from) and he was determined that he did... so we let him think it, since the next day he knew where he was (in Neepawa). Somedays he is all smiles and kisses for me and then there are the days where he is glaring and telling me to (insert swear here) off... he tries to bite hands (a defense mechanism for him), he laughs at jokes, he will ask for beer... he will sleep thru a visit and snore to his hearts content...that is my dad now.

The other amazing guy in my life is the love of my life, Dennis. He is my best friend not just because he is my husband, but because we were very close 'best friends' before we started dating. We were friends first and that is why I truely believe we are best friends and still married now!

My husband also has a TBI. He is a high functioning survivor of an undiagnosed TBI. When he was just a teen (17 i think) he was in a truck accident with his brothers and was tossed pretty good in the process. But when he can really pinpoint his own 'issues' was when he was driving a truck (with a friend)that hit the second engine of a moving train(this was in 2000). They were both thrown from the truck and the friend, saddly died. But since then Dennis suffers from many of the same issues as Samuel. He needs to have a daily planner to stay organized, he will explain things -- to death ☺-- so that he is sure that HE understands what he is talking about. He relates most (99%)  things to farming (someting he can tangibly see and identify with -- I had to learn that 'prettier than a prize heiffer on fair day' was actually a compliment). He has no real memories of his childhood (he thinks most of what he 'remembers' is due to listening to the family tell stories). I know that when you hear these things you say"ya but we all do these things to a degree' but  try doing it and having to actually WORK at thinking ... it isnt just a natural occurance for people with a TBI. Dennis will have episodes of fatigue, moodiness, overload of senses and general unease. Dennis' accidents were in a time (and a town) that was before looking for or at TBI as a result of accidents. There was no brain swelling with him so there was no cause for concern... til now. Not that there is concern but there is an awareness.

6years ago I went back to college to get my Educational Assistant Dipolma and learned alot about issues with children I would have to learn to work with in a school setting. One of our papers (the major paper) was to choose an 'issue', I chose TBI as it was prevelant to my life and I wanted to know more about what it was doing to my dad and how to use tools to help him and others in my daily life and work. As with most term papers, you get immersed in it and things that were foggy and fuzzy to begin with start to take on more shape and that was when I realized that Dennis had a TBI. Dennis was also going to college to get his Agribusiness  and passed the course not only with flying colours but with distinction, and 3 scholarships and cash awards. He also won an award for his business plan that he developed for our our sheep farm! So you see where I am going with the high functioning TBI...neither Sam or Dennis' intellect was dimished due to their TBI-- just thier patterns of thinking, organizing and processing information.

TBI is huge and daily (and I mean EXTREMELY) daily in my life. So please bear with me when it seems I go on at lengthy extents about it. I need to do this in order to keep going and stay sane. I am in the process of working hard to bring more awareness to TBI survivors AND caregivers! we tend to get really lost in the shuffle of it all and sometimes when the survivor is getting lost through the shuffle we are fighting harder and harder to hold us both above water to keep us from drowning.

3 men and baby?!? um no just me

I have been wanting to post this for a while now but due to other things happening (both blessings and not so much blessings) I seemed to put it off more and more. But today I thought I would sit and spend the next day or two getting it all (or as much of it as I can) out and on here.

So please indulge for me for a bit while I tell you about 3 (of the 5) men in my life that are my blessings and my cause for many tears, of both happiness and frustration!

First is Sam.

My Sammi.

He was my biggest baby at 8lb 13oz and from there on was at the low end of the birth rate scales -- now being my 'smallest' (extremely lean and thin at 5'8" and just barely now 123lbs). He was my quiet baby that would grunt softly for feeding times and he loved to snuggle with me. He was 'my' boy just as Josh was 'dad's' boy...

As you know this blog was started because of an accident that he had on July 29/08 with a .22 calibre rifle that accidentally discharged and struck him in the head -- resulting in a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). At this moment in life ( and I am SURE forever) he is my constant reminder that God DOES perform miracles and we should look for them everyday but he is also a reminder that God allows things to happen so He can work thru you, so that other things (maybe another miracle) can happen to someone else (or even yourself!)

Our home usually has daily drama that has occured from either a.) a TBI moment/issue/backlash b.) teen angst or c.) cuz I truely believe God has a wonderful (and possibly warped) sense of humour! I am sure this is the same with every other house in Canada, USA and the world, but when it is happening in your kitchen -- and you are in the centre of it-- nothing else is happening anywhere else in the universe but there!

Sam has been working hard to not only reach his goals but he usually surpasses them by huge leaps and bounds and in a time that is unbelievable to not only us (as parents) but to the doctors as well. All you really need to do is go back and read a few posts from last year to know what I am talking about here... heck go back and read them all to get the full affect of the whole situation!

I wanted to make this post tho to also introduce you to the other 2 men in my life that are not only challenges but huge incredible blessings from God. These are men who yes, do challenge my patience, my sanity and my creativity...

First is my dad.

He is now 62yrs old and lives in the local Personal Care Home near us. We see him every week (sometimes a few times) for visits, ice cream, apple pies, dinner, etc. He was my daddy. He was my knight in shining armour as a little girl, as a teen and yes even as a grown woman  with 2 small children (at the time of his 'accident'-- he was 48) He had many, many faults(dont we all!?!) but as with most girls- their dad is the best. 

On Dec 16, 1995 Sam was born in Neepawa, Manitoba, Papa (my dad) was called to announce the birth(he lived in Bruderheim,Alberta), 4 days later both Sam and I were allowed to go home and on Dec. 22 somewhere around 3AM there was a knock on our door and there stood my dad. Smiling, tired but smiling and wanting to see his grandsons, Josh and Sam. We spent a great Christmas with him and when he left for home on the 27th early in the morning he gave me his favorite jean jacket, kissed and hugged me goodbye and promised to call when he got home. He did and he and I spoke on the phone at least 2-3 times a week after that until Aug long weekend 1996. (I still have the jean jacket ☺)

That was the weekend my mom was remarried to Dwayne and my dad was beaten up by his almost exwife's boyfriend with some help from her too. I wont go into the gory details surrounding the beating but it is enough to say that my dad is now a limited mobility quadripeligic with severe brain damage that has him more like a 7-8 yr old most days (on a 'good' day). I treasure that Christmas with my dad. It was an amazing gift from God, something that I will always hold dear in my heart.

Now my dad has more off days than on it seems. He will talk more with Dennis or the kids than with me, but maybe that is because our last conversation we had had (on the saturday morning of my mom's wedding)ended in a disagreement...I dont know.  We are never quite sure what is going on in his head so we are very cautious with what we tell him (he doesnt know about Sam's accident) in case in his more lucid moments he worries and frets about things.

He almost ALWAYS know Dennis and the kids, my mom and his siblings but sometimes I am a sibling or someone totally random. He was at Dennis' wedding but not mine! (Dennis assures me I am his first wife☺) I had thot maybe my dad would confuse me with my mom (Debbi) since we look alot alike and call my daughter Hannah 'Jodi' (since we also look alot alike!) but he has NEVER made that mistake. (Isaac and Hannah were both born after his TBI). 

There are many issues that we regularily deal with, with my dad but its all good. He is in a wonderful PCH that has great nurses and aids and other staff supports. We are able to see him more regular now that he has moved here with us to Manitoba (he was living in Alberta with his gf (who looked after his care) up until about 6 years ago).

When we ask my dad to sing songs with us he can do it without thinking but ask him what he did today and sit back for a giggle cuz some of his days are great! Once he was with my granddad buying a new car off the showroom floor! (I checked this story out and it never happened) Another time was when he moved from the old lodge to the new facility he thought he had moved to Gravenhurst, Ontario (this is where he is from) and he was determined that he did... so we let him think it, since the next day he knew where he was (in Neepawa). Somedays he is all smiles and kisses for me and then there are the days where he is glaring and telling me to (insert swear here) off... he tries to bite hands (a defense mechanism for him), he laughs at jokes, he will ask for beer... he will sleep thru a visit and snore to his hearts content...that is my dad now.

The other amazing guy in my life is the love of my life, Dennis. He is my best friend not just because he is my husband, but because we were very close 'best friends' before we started dating. We were friends first and that is why I truely believe we are best friends and still married now!

My husband also has a TBI. He is a high functioning survivor of an undiagnosed TBI. When he was just a teen (17 i think) he was in a truck accident with his brothers and was tossed pretty good in the process. But when he can really pinpoint his own 'issues' was when he was driving a truck (with a friend)that hit the second engine of a moving train(this was in 2000). They were both thrown from the truck and the friend, saddly died. But since then Dennis suffers from many of the same issues as Samuel. He needs to have a daily planner to stay organized, he will explain things -- to death ☺-- so that he is sure that HE understands what he is talking about. He relates most (99%)  things to farming (someting he can tangibly see and identify with -- I had to learn that 'prettier than a prize heiffer on fair day' was actually a compliment). He has no real memories of his childhood (he thinks most of what he 'remembers' is due to listening to the family tell stories). I know that when you hear these things you say"ya but we all do these things to a degree' but  try doing it and having to actually WORK at thinking ... it isnt just a natural occurance for people with a TBI. Dennis will have episodes of fatigue, moodiness, overload of senses and general unease. Dennis' accidents were in a time (and a town) that was before looking for or at TBI as a result of accidents. There was no brain swelling with him so there was no cause for concern... til now. Not that there is concern but there is an awareness.

6years ago I went back to college to get my Educational Assistant Dipolma and learned alot about issues with children I would have to learn to work with in a school setting. One of our papers (the major paper) was to choose an 'issue', I chose TBI as it was prevelant to my life and I wanted to know more about what it was doing to my dad and how to use tools to help him and others in my daily life and work. As with most term papers, you get immersed in it and things that were foggy and fuzzy to begin with start to take on more shape and that was when I realized that Dennis had a TBI. Dennis was also going to college to get his Agribusiness  and passed the course not only with flying colours but with distinction, and 3 scholarships and cash awards. He also won an award for his business plan that he developed for our our sheep farm! So you see where I am going with the high functioning TBI...neither Sam or Dennis' intellect was dimished due to their TBI-- just thier patterns of thinking, organizing and processing information.

TBI is huge and daily (and I mean EXTREMELY) daily in my life. So please bear with me when it seems I go on at lengthy extents about it. I need to do this in order to keep going and stay sane. I am in the process of working hard to bring more awareness to TBI survivors AND caregivers! we tend to get really lost in the shuffle of it all and sometimes when the survivor is getting lost through the shuffle we are fighting harder and harder to hold us both above water to keep us from drowning.