The best place to end ...

 It has been an emotional rollercoaster the last 12 years and this I believe will be one of my, if not THE, last post here about Sammi! Thank you so much for all the love, prayers, shoulders to cry on and just listening to my rants and raves for 12 (good grief TWELVE!!) years. it just hit me that our Sammi was 12 when this happened and he is now 24, so I have been writing about our journey with brain injury for half of our sons life. what a perfect way to come full circle and end this part of his story here! 

Our Sam was in the Adult and Teen Challenge  (ATC) Program for a year, where he worked hard to overcome his addictions and build a new relationship with our Lord! It was a hard fought year at times and it was never boring! We not only got to see our son grow and flourish, we grew our own hearts as we met and added many more to our family!  we got to know and become family to so many of the students in the program (both the mens centre and the women's in Brandon). We made wonderful friends with some of the staff at ATC. 

As Sam got closer to finishing the program he had many moments of reflection and 'this is how its going to go' moments ... BUT GOD... and when God steps in to clear your thoughts, step back! 

Sam lived with us for a while once he got out of the program (he finished in April), he found an amazing job in Crystal City - welding even! And looked for a place there and eventually found one nearby his job! He works for a godly company that isn't scared to say it or show it! And we all couldn't be happier about it! Shortly after Sam started he wound up with 6 weeks off after a double hernia surgery - and since Dennis and I were moved into our motorhome already we moved to Crystal City (where Sam was living in  his brothers camper trailer) to help him during his recovery. 

During his time with this company, Samuel made the decision to follow Jesus and be baptized, so here is where I will leave the blog - beginning with what we called Samuels second birthday, since we got to se him relearn how to do everything all over again to his new BIRTHday and new life with Christ! His baptism, where all he needs to learn and do now is to trust, obey and follow His Saviour! 

Thank You Abba for being a Father who cares about ALL the things in our lives; the big, the small, the pretty, the ugly, the ups and downs... ALL of the things! Thank You Papa for being faithful to follow this tragedy to rejoicing, to go from despair to joy, from broken to healed ...Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. I know there are still miles to go but he is now going those miles with You. I pray he will continue on this road with You, Jesus, and as he shares his story, I pray that it is ONLY YOU that people see in his miracles! And that they rejoice.

Thank You Father. For it all, because I had to lean and rely on You as well and I know I could have done a better job at that and so many other things, but without You it would have been an even wilder ride I am sure. Its all because of You. Al this I pray and rejoice and praise in YOUR name! Amen

 Sammi's testimony!                                 

 Sammi's baptism!

I will continue post as I will about my daddy. He is still in the care home and our visits are few and far between right now due to covid and changing rules it seems all the time! My concern with him is what he actually retains mentally. Does he realize I am not there as much? As Dennis and I prepare to for our 6 months in Mexico with YWAM will he notice I am not there? He is getting more and more quiet when we see him, he aspirates more and more too it seems (which is "normal" for him). 

If you are interested in following Dennis and I on our God adventure to Mazatlan Mexico with YWAM (Youth with a Mission) you can check out our new blog/website at God, the Ginters and You  and you can subscribe to updates there too! 

Thank you for being a part of this great journey of Brain Injury with me, Sam, my Daddy and the rest of our family! We truly did and do appreciate it all! 

Until next time...

pray... write... delete... post... pray... repeat...

Last Monday was my 14th care meeting at the personal care home where my daddy lives.  FOURTEENTH ... my daddy has lived in a care home for 14 years. Out of the 22years since his accident, 14 of them have been with us -- meaning he has lived here in Manitoba. Every year I go to the care home and go to this care meeting we discuss daddy's health - both physical and mental, we talk about things we will work on with him the up coming year ... and every year I have to agree to his health care directive. All the personal and gory details of caring for him.

Decisions get made every year that were made the year before - but that doesn't make it any easier. Every year I make those hard decisions alone. 

Every. Single. Year.

This year I got to add to the care plan that I have planned and made arrangements for Daddy's funeral for when the time comes. I spoke with the public trustee and explained to her how when dad gets really sick (and theres been quite a few times in the past 14 years) that I have to do a quick exit plan for him and its getting harder to do each time. So we (me, the funeral home and the public trustee) prearranged it all.  

whoo...

hoo...

done and done... 

I wonder where other  single children caregivers go to discuss any plans or arrangements, reminisce about the past or just to talk about how they are doing while going through whatever they are going through? I have no family to rely on. No one but me to have happy memories of my dad with, no one but me to go and visit him and discuss his care with... no one else to visit him period. So it is all down to me and I am willing to admit that I am failing in the daughter of the year arena. {I don't get the chance to see him nearly as much as I should. He is hard to visit with - he doesn't talk and when he does it is a lot of swearing and extremely inappropriate things being said. I usually leave with tears in my eyes and my heart breaking.} it gets very exhausting hearing people (who work in the home AND who all seem to think they 'get it' that its ok, at least I am seeing him when I can. "its quality right..not quantity"... but its not either to be honest).

I have Dennis and he is a huge help for some areas, but even he knows how hard it is because he never knew my dad. He met him maybe 6-8 times before the accident and that was it. He has no "hey remember that time me, you and your dad..." really to share. (ok we have one and it involves my dad in a field near a rock pile and a badger... marking said field while they were spraying). The next memory we share is when daddy showed up for Christmas after Sammi was born... then I never saw him again, until he was in ICU and hooked up to every imaginable machine possible.

I know wishing doesn't do any good, this is not something that is every going to get better... or easier. But I really do WONDER ... how do others do it!? where do they go? how to they cope?

At my BI meeting group no one else there is remotely in the same boat as me when it comes to this Brain Injury game... no one. 

honestly I had seriously hoped and prayed that this blog would have had at least ONE person cross my path that may have been of support.  so I will continue as I have started and I will pray, write...delete...write...delete .... possibly post it... pray some more....

...and repeat...

maybe this is my epiphany...

but then again, how can it be an epiphany if I have always known it?


So daddy is still sick. Not getting and worse and yet not any better either...
On Saturday the care home sent him up to the hospital to see a doctor and he was admitted and will be there for a few days. The medical staff at both the hospital and the care home are all confused as to why he is on medication, starts to get better then gets sick again. So now he is in the hospital and is getting his medication via IV.
The resident that saw him last night said (after looking at his file) his pneumonia would start to get better in his right lung then his left would get it; then as it got better it would go into his right lung. Totally not making sense. So th hope is that the IV meds will work and wipe it out.
Dennis and I were with him yesterday at the hospital until they got him settled in and the IV inserted - so we could help keep daddy calm-ish and he was ready to go to sleep. Then I arrived this morning and spent a good part of the day with him. He was white, unusually quiet and didn’t eat much... but he DID eat. The nurses suggested to get dad’s chair sent to the hospital so we got it and had him sitting up in it for a few hours in hopes of breaking the chest issues. Time will tell.

I have really been struggling with this bout of sickness with Daddy. He looks so tired and so small. He weighs almost nothing 60.2kg (about 132lbs)and he is 6’2”. He is literally a rack of bones. My daddy was always really thin but not like this. His appetite has decreased so much of late and he is wasting away before my eyes. He doesn’t talk a whole lot but he will sing bits and pieces of old songs that he loved — but only if he is in the right mood it seems. Today was not one of those moods or days. My prayer has been {and always has been} that if it is God’s will to take Daddy home, I can live with that. But there is enormous guilt that has gone along with that prayer. I have had friends tell me to “enjoy every minute with him while I have him.” “Don’t be so selfish to pray like that.” And other things, but I know my dad didn’t want to live like this. He told me about a year and a half before this happened, what i was to do and what he wanted and didn’t want - but that doesn’t stop the guilt.
Then this morningI was spreading my bible and God led me to a devotion by Carol L. Baldwin called “Trust and Confidence” I was based on Matthew 26:39

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” 

It made me think that maybe I am looking at this all wrong. Maybe I am to be rejoicing  in this trial with Daddy and his entire injury (not just the pneumonia) Maybe He is granting me time to appreciate again what I have in the Daddy I have left now... and not mourn the man I lost 22 years ago.
the further readings I read were:
1Peter 1:6-7
6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.


1Peter 4:12-13
12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Not so much that I am ‘suffering’ for being a Christian but in that I need to learn to lean on Him and trust in Him way more than I do. When I look back on the things we have gone through since daddy's accident in 1996 -- right up to recently -- I can see when times that I had viewed as challenges {or even negative issues} occurred actually really helped me in a time later o down the line. Now I have known this and think about it quite frequently of how maybe Daddy 'accident' {choices really} really an truly helped me to get through everything we have gone through with our Sammi. I don't know how I would have even began to grasp the enormity of Sam's accident if I hadn't have had my experiences with Daddy first.

So I will continue to pray for God's will through it all. And try to focus on Him and what I am supposed to be taking away format or learning from it! A daily reminder of this will be in my heart, in my mind and on my fridge:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

 

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3:5-6NIV

Sometimes people suck ...

What would YOU say if you found out that someone you loved and is in someone else's care and the one you love has been sick for over three weeks, has been to the local hospital for chest X-rays and is now going for a second set?

This is part of this other persons {to be fair there could be more than one person who has this job to do} job, to keep family {in my case ... only me} updated on your loved ones health issues and the like.

I got a phone message yesterday afternoon/evening from th care home where my daddy is taken care of and lives, asking if I could call them back regarding some,thing with my daddy. I didn't get my message until this morning and I called right away. I was informed that my daddy is going to the hospital on Monday morning for a second chest X-ray because his pneumonia doesn't seem to be getting better....

Excuse me?

His pneumonia?

Second chest X-ray ....

I told the woman I had not been informed of the first X-ray OR his pneumonia and we had just been in to visit last week and he didnt seem to be or sound sick.

She seemed quite shocked to hear this.

Like I said earlier, I am the ONLY person who needs to be called when things happpen.
I mean they call me about:

- holes in his socks and what should they do about them.
- missing shavers from his bathroom - would I know where they are?
- no batteries for a clock in his room.
- if I am shopping he could do with a new pillow.

 Y'all get the idea.

For the most part, I absolutely love where daddy is. He gets fantastic care but wonderful staff.
But sometimes when it comes to big ticket items {insert almost any issue here} they really drop the ball. This is NOT the first time this has occurred either!

Dennis and I were on our way out today to do some grocery shopping and whatnot, so we stopped in to see daddy, and his chest was quite rattley with lots of moistness in it, so I am glad he's going to get another X-ray. I AMA little concerned about the medications they have Him on not working, but he is in Gods care and He knows what is needed to get daddy on the mend, if that's His will.

UPDATE:
Daddy went for X-rays yesterday and the pneumonia is definitely back and more in his right lung. SO a new and stronger medication and a nebulizer every 2 days (because the medication can do damage to his kidneys -- it never rains but pours right!)

We will be back on Wednesday to check in and see how he's doing.

Daddy just looked so tired and small. How can someone who was such a giant in my life be reduced to looking so small?

like it was yesterday and yet it was 21 years ago...

Today marks the day -- 21years ago -- when at 10pm i received a phone call that my daddy had been beaten up and may not make the night. my daddy was taken from me by a selfish man and his girl friend. Today is the day that I not only lost my daddy (in a purely emotional and mental way) but my kids lost the most amazing Papa. It is so hard to believe that it has been 21years! It seems like just yesterday he was calling me to tell me a joke or just to 'yak'.
My daddy was a  man who would give you the last dollar he had to help you out. He would phone you to make you laugh to cheer you up or to see how things were. He would buy lotto tickets and give them all to you and sincerely hope you would win big! Family was everything to my dad - he would pick me up for a weekend and we would drive to Muskokas to visit with my gramps and gran and aunts and cousins. He would smile and laugh, hugging us, giving us a bit of money for pops and treats.
He was a trucker, who spent many hours and days on the road, hauling semi's from one end of the country to the other. He hauled cattle and other freight to all corners! He was maybe not the best ever husband but he sure was an awesome daddy.
We would spend hours singing to all the tapes in his truck as we drove the Yellowhead highway through Canada and then the TansCanada once it was done. We ate copious amounts of kielbasa and ritz crackers and cheese on the road. We stopped at all the best truck stops for coffee, pie, dinner, lunch, breakfast and pee breaks. We would laugh talking to other truckers on the CB radio and daddy would be reminding them every so often that his little girl was listening so please watch the language (most of the truckers complied and would talk to  me about school and riding with daddy).





I miss him ....
every
single.
day.
and there will never be another 'him'.

He was so handsome and it used to drive me crazy when he would come to pick me up at school and girls would giggle and gawk at him...but only a little because I was so proud to him as my daddy. He would take me shopping for clothes and tease me about bras and new styles, but he was so much fun to be with, everything we did was a crazy, fun adventure.
i remember once getting caught swearing (I said sh!t when I was trying to make something for him and mom) and that night as we drove to pick up my mom from work he said' you know Jo, I heard what you said earlier and Iim pretty disappointed that you would choose to use that language' (even though he used it), I remember being so heart broken and disappointed in my self to have disappointed him and those words were all it took to make me want to try to be better for him to be proud of me.
He taught me a bit about Jesus growing up and i know he believed in Him. This makes me very happy to know!

When I had our first child, Joshua, on June 19 (Fathers Day) we called him from the hospital and he cried. He showed up at our house for the September long weekend to see not only Joshua be dedicated to God, but to see Dennis and I both baptized.

When our second son Sam was born on dec 16, 1995, Daddy showed up on my doorstep with a car loaded with gifts for the boys on Dec 22 and he stayed until 27 then headed back to Alberta go to work. He head Sammi and beamed with smiles! He was so proud to have a baby Holmes (sam's middle name). He played with Joshua for hours and wouldn't let me do anything for the boys that was usually my job (diapers, feeding meals, etc.) He took over and helped as if he lived with a hundred babies all the time!

That day he left for home, was the last day I ever saw my dad in person. He came running back into the house after he got in his car and gave me his favourite jean jacket and told me to look after it for him....
and I have.


I can't begin to describe the empty hole left by him. How my kids will never know how amazing he was, how funny, how generous, how caring. Ask I can do it tell stories and show pictures... because the man that is left is nothing.... and I mean NOTHING like my daddy.





I miss you Daddy.

One day we will be together again in heaven...


I know it;


I can't wait.