this past week was a doozy again! I seriously thought we were done with BI issues and all that goes with it... but again I was wrong.
at least I think I am wrong... but then again ...
- we were blindsided last weekend by our farm shop door (one of the big ones that you drive a tractor through) wide open Saturday morning before we head out to volleyball tournament -- dirt bike hauled to door and tools out...
This was followed by a missing quad (the only quad we had running for Dennis to do chores with) when we returned home from a volleyball tournament
-not so pleasantly surprised to find it 'borrowed'
-and even less surprised to find it returned broke down ...
We knew once we saw it was missing who had it and we were seriously not surprised to have it returned in less than running condition. Sometimes things like checking the oil and other daily maintenance things go forgotten about. There was also a severely sprained ankle from a few days earlier, an epileptologist appointment that was to be in the coming week (that was missed)
Dennis had spoken to Sam early on Saturday (about the shop door incident) and there was no request to borrow the quad (which would have been no as it had been asked the day before -- this is because we are down to one quad for Dennis to use to move cattle and fences daily).
To say the least we were a bit upset and rightly so we figure.
Apparently we were wrong...
Sam is not talking to us
He has 'unfriended' his siblings on FB (Dennis and I are no longer on FB)
He removed himself from our family group chats on messenger
He plans on moving out
and he is done with us (his words to me on Sunday last week) and "all the BS around here"
His attitude and demeanour is very much like when he was on his seizure medications. (Which he is not now); like he is bound and determined to make life miserable for everyone because he is miserable, upset, fed up, disappointed or whatever...
He will not say what brought this on.
I am at a loss... my heart hurts
I am on the verge of tears all the time. I spent copious amounts of time praying to God and talking with Him, handing all my worries and fears back to Him when I try to take them back. I know worrying does nothing so that is my daily... hourly ... even every minute goal...
I send Sam texts asking him to come for tea or just to say hi basically and most are met with nothing or no and what makes it hurt so much more was it wasn't that long ago he sent me a beautiful message that brought me to tears:
and now this ....
I am just so tired....
I know part of this is his BI and all the lies he has been telling himself and others are now the resounding truth in his head
but I am tired....
I am tired of always being the 'wrong' one, the one to blame, the one who is the emotional punching bag for people...
and I am mad an hurt....
why is it that he can't see that we are the only ones that are ALWAYS here for him and love him unconditionally ... and yet it is ok to treat us like crap and hold his friends up to be the ones where are 'always' there?!?
why does he feel the need to shut out his siblings who only want whats best for him!?! they didn't do anything -- but because he feels the need to post his life on FB he feels that they will report back to us what he is doing!
I am exhausted
I sleep little
I hear every noise in the house at night again
I am trying to keep busy with whatever I can to keep my mind from wandering to why!?
WHY!?
why the heck do I let him do this to me...
because I love him and want to see him succeed in life.
He is my 'Sammi' and I miss him terribly....
You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and let you cut the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
DO you remember the hit song by Genesis in the 80's "Land of Confusion"?
Maybe I am just a weird 80's chick that remembers far to many things from that time ... and I should just forget them!
I ask because that is how I feel these days. I haven't updated on my health issue from January, because I am so freakin confused right now about it all.
I went to a neurosurgeon in February as planned and he said "I don't know what else I can tell you, except that you probably DON'T have a brain aneurysm BUT I should see you again in about 2 years for an MRI. IF you do happen to have an aneurysm, I feel it is so small that there is no chance of it bursting. So go live your life."
Ok I get the go live your life. I would totally get the we will check again in 2 years, if he had actually checked on his time and not just rely on the original CT scans (which he claimed was probably not done right to begin with...ummmm ok?) But to DO NOTHING to even try to help elevate my stress or my emotions, like maybe schedule the MRI or at the very least another CT scan!
But what really got me was my husbands acceptance of this (essentially a stranger) doctor, to look at my CTs he felt were either wrong or not read right, and to take all that he said as 'good to go'. That was a slap in the face. I just can't get past that for almost a year I had CLEAR CT's and then all of a sudden there is something there, but not worth to double check or even worry about it. I know there is nothing that they can really do about it but to be just written off....leave you feeling kind of lost and worthless. THEN I go to MY doctor about a separate issue and she (who knows that this neurosurgeon said and basically said to me "well, he is the specialist") keeps talking to me about 'my aneurysm is so small so not to worry about it.' So my question is: DO I or DON'T I!? talk about confusion! No one wants to give me ONE answer and stick with it! Do I get a medic-alert bracelet?Do I wait and let me be out and about one day and it DOES decide to grow and burst and no one knows why and I die!? Or do I go against the doctor's 'assessment' and get one just in case!? My hubby doesn't seem to understand the emotions that I am going through with this. He (for some odd reason -- odd as he never trusted doctors diagnosis' without some serious questions asked and a complete analysis in his own head over things. He usually would question and ask for further tests, etc. but not this time.... am I over reacting!?
I started seeing an acupuncturist shortly after and while he has done some great work with alleviating the headaches/migraines, I do still have issue with headaches and sudden pains in my head. But I can live with them (and I guess I have to as no one wants to listen to me anyway! :|) He is also helping me with my depression and anxiety, but again in small amounts.
My depression is always with me. Kind of like that commercial where a black cloud is following a woman. I struggle with it daily... somedays its is hourly or even each minute. I feel like I can get through the moment and then all of a sudden... I wish I could just go home to my Lord. I get so tired of fighting the cloud. Somedays it is like it is trying to suffocate me. I wake up disappointed most mornings to still be here. I realize that my emotions are probably tied in with my 'non-diagnosis' ... but what to do with the feelings... I have no idea.
I am not sure if anyone reads still but while I am thinking of it. Prayer for our Sammi would be awesome! He is so lost in the world. He is making crazy decisions, smoking not only cigarettes but weed and I am sure he is into more than that and he is drinking. He gets depressed and when he gets like that it scares the heck outta me, because I know what it is like to get to that point that he gets too sometimes.I pray and I try to always kept handing all my fears and worries back to Him and let God look after things, but I am human and things will creep back into my head ... But Sammi seems so lost and where he is finding 'himself' and 'acceptance' are not places where it is true or lasting. He allows himself to be lead astray but people who don't truly care about him -- which leaves those of us who DO love and care for him standing in a spot where we are hurt and trying to understand. I am scared of what will be the next thing he does or tries to try to find acceptance. I am scared of getting a phone call that he is hurt, in jail or worse. Sam is so much like my daddy that it truly scares the crap out of me. He is always there for everyone else, expects nothing from them and all at the expense of his health, bank acct., or life! Please pray for Sam if you remember! Thank you!
Well that is all for this update. I am daily doing battle with that darn black cloud and wish I could talk to someone about it but anyone I have tried to talk to about it brush it off, say 'oh i get down too sometimes', 'what do you have to be depressed about?!' , blah blah blah.... if only i could just open my head and let someone see what is happening in there physically AND mentally....if only....
In November, I started a new med for perimenopause and depression (a kind of two in one thing😆) and the third night I took it I woke up with a slight headache.... Until I reached the bathroom where I was going to get a Tylenol. Then BAM!! My head felt like it had exploded and was on fire! It was the worse headache I had ever had. I was able to call out to Dennis before I fell to the floor - where I am not sure if I passed out or not. I was hot and cold, my head was pounding, I couldn't talk or open my eyes... The. The heaving started - followed by Dennis getting me in the tub and was trying to cool me off because like I said, I felt like I was on fire! Some how Dennis got me back into bed where I again either passed out or went to sleep. I woke up the next morning with one of those migraine hangovers that takes a day or two to recover from.
We called the doctor because we were thinking that it was down to the medicine I was taking but she said no and called for a ct scan to be done. Then I promptly forgot about it. Head was gone, gave the pills another chance and issues with them.
Fast forward to a week or so later and the doctor calls to say that they think they have found an aneurysm in the Circle of Willis in my brain; and another ct will confirm this. There was a lot of things said that pointed to possible coiling (a procedure to fix said aneurysm) and no travelling by plane for Christmas (we were planning to go to my moms in Southern Ontario). We had an appt with doctor before ct and told her again of the symptoms I experienced and some family history (I had a cousin die from a brain aneurysm a few years go). She assured us I was NOT a ticking time bomb and the next ct would give us more to go on. So we waited....and waited... And waited. In real time I had the ct on Thursday and got the results on the Monday but it felt like FOREVER!
The second ct confirmed a small 2mm aneurysm and when the doctor called a specialist, she thought he sounded annoyed by her calling with such "a small aneurysm" because they would do nothing about it but they would see me anyway (since they get paid to see me - apparently what he said).i am also good to travel by plane now 😳 too. Which is nice so I can go see my mom, but does freak me out a bit!
Now nice again we play the waiting game. Wait to hear from the vascular specialist, then wait for an appointment and I am sure a wait to,get results and see what they think.
Now there is something about this that is a bit nice to know... I have headaches.
All.
The.
Time.
It is just the severity that changes...
Circle of Willis -- My diagnosis-- a small saccular bulging of the left anterior cerebral artery and/or the junction of the anterior communicating artery
UPDATE: so we heard from the neuro vascular at the Health Science Centre in Winnipeg before Christmas and I was told by my doctor that I was safe to travel by plane to visit my mom! We had a wonderfully marvellous visit with her!! I was so glad I could go. I have an appt with the Neuro on Jan 29th ... so it is still a waiting game.
I ave joined an Annie (the short form/nickname for aneurysms) support group on FB and they have given me some support and advice for our appt. Number ONE is ask for a second opinion -- so if his annoyance continues with our appointment that will definitely be happening. Another thing I learned was that even though the doctors say there is no correlation to Annies and headaches, most people with them DO experience headaches similar to mine! so I was told to stick to my guns. (little does this specialist know I have been dealing with these kinds of doctors for 8+ years!)
I have still been having headaches and two times I have had toradol at the hospital. And I have been having just daily pains in the head which are vastly becoming a pain in the a$$.
I will try to keep things updates on here more.... but we will see.
on a humorous side note - when our son Isaac told his gf about the annie and we had the appt with the neuro the gf said (and I am SURE it was said with a smile) "What is it with your family and brain injuries!?" I laughed and that to myself... "does this mean I have to change my blog title to family of 4 survivors?" LOL -- You have to laugh or you will only cry! lol
He removed himself from our family group chats on messenger
I send Sam texts asking him to come for tea or just to say hi basically and most are met with nothing or no and what makes it hurt so much more was it wasn't that long ago he sent me a beautiful message that brought me to tears:
My depression is always with me. Kind of like that commercial where a black cloud is following a woman. I struggle with it daily... somedays its is hourly or even each minute. I feel like I can get through the moment and then all of a sudden... I wish I could just go home to my Lord. I get so tired of fighting the cloud. Somedays it is like it is trying to suffocate me. I wake up disappointed most mornings to still be here. I realize that my emotions are probably tied in with my 'non-diagnosis' ... but what to do with the feelings... I have no idea.
