when can i be dad...

tomorrow morning sam and i are on the road again to winnipeg for another psych eval. for him. he is not too impressed with this and this last week (all two days of it) he has been just miserable with me for the most part whenever i talk about the wpg trip.
i picked the boys(josh and sam) up from my moms yesterday and for the first hour everything was good, then the good mood stopped and the miserable, grouchy, unliveable side arrived. he was mouthy, rude, disrespectful and extremely foul mood-ed ( i know there is no word-- but nothing else would work). and it was one of those literally blindsided moods that when they hit they are totally shocking and unexpected (hence the blindsiding) and they turn the whole house on its ends. i just couldnt wait for dennis to get home from work and (being extremely honest here) was ready to ship him off to anywhere--then i looked at him and saw the fatigue. then the guilt set in... but frustration also did...how come the fatigue was 'saved' for me and not for granni?! how come i get to be the dumping ground for everyones garbage?how come even tho i am the one going to bat for them (and of course it isnt just sam here) and trying to make sure they get good times and happy memories ... i get the crap attitudes. dad gets a bit too--but i get the major brunt. makes me wish i was the dad some days!
and now i get the job of getting sam up early (6am to be on the road for 6.45), driving to winnipeg and then taking him to the doctor and keeping him on an even keel and in good spirits.

sigh