Stand

Lately as I listen to my iPod, I have had a lot of songs really speak to me...
Quite a few of them are Rascal Flatt's songs... Something about this group and their songs really hit home and I am not ashamed to admit that some days they have tears rolling down my face no matter where I am.
This song is so much of what I feel like we are going thru here in our home these days. Not just on the TBI front but on a lot of personal family issues too.
I truly feel like it is Dennis and I against the rest of the world with all that happens in our house, because our family/friends either dont want to see what we are going thru because it is so hard to deal with or they just dont care. Either way, Dennis and I will continue to 'Stand'  thru it all and where ever it is that God is taking us on this journey we will do it together... regardless of who is with us.

I have been trying hard the last few  months to get the word about BI's out there and I sometimes hit BIG.
BRICK.
WALLS.
But I start again and do what I can. I hope I can get people more motivated to learn more about brain injuries and the amazing stories that lots of survivors HAVE BEEN and ARE GOING thru! They are truly heroes in my eyes. The blogs,books and stories I read of survivors and caregivers makes me cry when I hear how they struggle with public perceptions and lack of help -- especially for survivors like Samuel and Dennis who 'look fine'. I know how they feel and what they are going through.
I do find tho that for me there is a difference that is unique -- where they have one person to look out for... and I have 3. I know I dont physically look after dad -- but I am the first 'go to' person for the care home to call. I am there visiting almost every Thursday and try to make the visit as cheery as possible and deal with whatever is necessary.
I also am aware that I dont have to 'look after' Dennis but we do have some issues that I struggle with and have trouble talking with him about because I am unsure of how to deal with it.
WIth Sam I am the first 'go to' person also and I have some problems with some of the stuff and cant go to Dennis because it is too much like his own issues and I cant always deal with 2 of them at the same time...
So I listen to my music...
cry...
and write on here and the odd time I post it...
Other times I just put on my big gurl panties and get thru it...

"Stand"

By Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh

My non elborate posting....

I know I have been negligent in my posts here as of late, but I have been trying but I have also been deleting... too much to say and then nothing to say. Things here at home have been so insanely busy the last -- ummm lets just say -- forever... that I know that things are starting to catch up to me both mentally and physically.

Sam got home from Cadet training all safe and sound. July 29th came and went. For most people it was just another day -- which it was but I personally found it extremely hard with Sam being so far away. I sat and cried over the day and thanked God for all that He blessed us with that Tuesday and the days, weeks, months and years to follow. But I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach all day and until he (Sam) came home on the 31st

Since then I have been trying to arrange all the appointments that are needed before the surgery (cranial plasti -- a plate to placed where the bullet entered his head -- I have such a hard time with saying that B word. It makes me have to blink back tears.) and for appointments for myself and Joshua and Sam -- after the surgery, football, school, and the rest of life for everyone. I have found a place to live the week we are in if I can't get into the Ronald MacDonald House. It is safe and secure but it is not right close to the hospital-- but IT IS free and private (thank you God!)  I have also been trying to plan a holiday that we are going on next week with the kids. Dennis and I are taking the family to see the Rockies, the Tyrell Museum and other fun family stuff along the way. So I have been trying to plan stops, groceries, budget gas, food, etc. and still stay somewhat sane. Along with this I have been promoted to Manager of the Neepawa Tigers football team, I have been helping Dennis with whatever he is needing help with, getting kids to enjoy the summer, getting kids to and from work,... blah blah blah.

When I think about this up and coming surgery I just feel heavy and tired. I know he is in good hands with not only the doctors but God will be with us all as he goes back to the hospital-- but I am a mom AND that makes me human. I have not been worrying about it but sometimes I stop and have to catch my breath again over the whole thing. I wonder when the anxiety and tears will stop?

See there is nothing really going on that needs to be posted here, mostly just 'whining and whingeing' so I apologize...maybe once we are back from a break from reality for a few days I can get more elaborate thots down.... LOL who am I kidding!?  Me an elborate thots are not sympatico! ☺

Uh-oh...

Just when I thought we were getting thru to him.... his report card comes home AND football season starts -- all on the same day. **sigh**

A low not passing mark, in English... to be fair to him tho I have been emailing teachers every week so we are able to stay on top of his work AND we have tried to meet with teachers (so far all but 2). But when I email one of the teachers I get no response to my email -- did they get it or are they ignoring me? One teacher I can't get an email to them... keeps coming back to my inbox. I will have to make arrangements to meet with the teachers again this week and let them know I NEED them to respond to my emails with his work thru the week, or else he is going to fail subjects. When we know what his work is, we can stay on top of it -- Math and Social have proven this. I know someone is going to say "well he should tell you OR know  if he has homework..." and my response is "yes, he SHOULD know...but then again, the whole purpose for this blog is because my son has a brain injury! Where as most people might remember things like that -- he may not-- then add that he is a typical teen boy, he may try to get away with things if he thinks he can. 

Sam knows that if his marks suffer there will be no football... which will make our lives all very unpleasant. We sort of let him have his run with it last fall since it was a major goal he had set for himself, but now he needs to buckle down and get serious about not just working but working at remembering to work! I apologize now for my future rantings about homework and football-- but then again, no I am not something I learned last night is that as caregiver-- I have to rant in a safe forum/environment so that I don't blow on those that I am caring for... so there!  ( please know I love you for listening!☺)

SO!! Yesterday was the ABI/TBI conference in Dauphin (as I have been talking about for a while now) and it was simply amazing! The speakers had so much great information. The survivors had amazing insight to things and other caregivers were just so helpful to talk to and listen to! I learned so much yesterday and last night. I will try to post a lot of things here in the coming days, as time will allow me! Today I will just post this wonderful poem. It is not about TBI, it is just about when your child is different. One of the caregivers read this out last night and it made me cry and smile. Enjoy!

"Welcome to Holland"

By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987.  All rights reserved.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.