Wednesday, December 19, 2018

still a work in progress (as always)

this week (well more the last few weeks) have been ones of working towards my own healing.

December will be upon us tomorrow and I am still after 24years a mess this time of year. Crying at stupid Christmas songs, weepy when I think of setting up the tree, basically non-energetic about anything Christmas-y.


I have started a new wellness regime that will hopefully be something that will get my hormones straight, get my ass moving more and most of all work out the issues in my head.

My bi-polar has been the worse it ever has been in the past 18-24 months. Yes, bi-polar... what an ugly word, makes me think of all sorts of negativity (but then again is there much positive about it??) I have discovered that now that I am in (yet another) new phase of my life... empty nesting... that our life with kids was a huge buffer for me. When those lovely voices started speaking in my head, I could keep them at bay and silenced with the noise of babies, kids and teenagers. Now that they are gone from the home, I find that I have them not even having to yell these days - their whispering is loud and clear ... and scary.
I am not writing this to freak anyone out but to clear my thoughts and put them down and sort them out!

I wrote the above a few weeks ago and walked away... now I am back to try this again... please bear with me...

I have enlisted some very dear sisters to pray for me and these new supplements and so far have noticed some small changes. I am sleeping better, I am not so weepy all the time, I find I am able to focus a bit better on the positive things. So almost a month in and I am going to remain on it for a while more.

Yesterday was a hard day though. We had a care meeting at the PCH for my dad. There are some new changed to final care in our health region and we (more like I) had ate look at it and make changes to his directives. Daddy has always been on DNR  -- right from the beginning, and it has remained so for 24years , but there was a small change that was made yesterday. Not necessarily the best time for me to make this decision with it being a hard time of year as it is....
Also I had met with some of the staff and daddy's doctor about changing his food from puree to mince. So he can be engaged with his eating and possibly less aspiration.  Yesterday we tried to find a happy medium with the speech pathologist, the dietician, the doctor and a few others on the care team.
It was a hard meeting for me in a few ways, first, I had to explain my reasons (which makes sense) for wanting them to make these changes and secondly I had to do it without having a stupid melt down... which I failed at... miserably. I felt like an idiot... I felt a full on, true failure at looking after my dad. I felt like I had dropped balls on so many things and most of them weren’t even ones I knew I was supposed to juggle, that issues that I assumed was being cared for were not and how dare I not know it.
I felt like some of the team was looking at me like I was heartless because I was asking for them to look at his quality of life and not just as a body in a chair that had to eat to stay alive - this is not something I say lightly because in 24 years I have had many, many things said to me out how and why I care for my dad. I have actually had people tell me that I was selfish, heartless or ignorant to have him on DNR, to sometimes wish he had have let go,after the beating so that he would have left and not had to,suffer as he does daily... and so that my memories of him could have been of who he was before my world crashed in on me and have the memories I now have...

I tried to explain that I know daddy would rather be eating food that even slightly resembles food not mush. But the one care worker, kept coming back to how he could choke and aspirate and it would be so traumatic for dad -- which I get but I want his days to be ones that if he is able to comprehend things that he knows he is being treated and respected as the awesome man he was, only I knew as we all sat around that table.
I am so thankful that Dennis was with me because he was able to ask what I was not able too because I was so damn emotional. He asked if there was anything.... ANYTHING ... we can do that can give him a better quality of eating?  I think it was then that the one realized that I was not asking for full time meal changes... just something to give him something to look forward too. It was decided that the home will give him his lunch as mince and his other meals as puree, so that he will always have the chance to eat a full supper if he gets too tired to chew the mince (until he can try to build up the muscles in his jaw)
But it kept being explained how it will look if he starts to choke and what that could entail long term... I wanted to honestly just say YES! I get it!! But lets stop always focusing on "what could' happen and look at what dad may possibly gain from this change!
I was very thankful as well with the social worker who was working hard advocating for daddy and his doctor - who kept saying that he totally gets us looking at his total life quality.
I refrained for saying a lot of negative things (yay me), but it is also so hard with on my mental health to not be able to say what I need to say.
Which brings me back to my circle of sisters that are praying for me. I have tried so hard to be honest and open about my feelings with people but there are just somethings that I still struggle to answer and to ask for prayer for without a full explanation (and possible meltdown)... I am still a work in progress and I am seriously trying to fully rely on God and His promises of mercy, grace and love. I do know that without my prayer sisters and my church family (even though most of them know NOTHING about any of this!)I can't even imagine where I would be. God is good, all the time...

A question that Dennis asked me yesterday was one that I thought I had the answer to, but realize it don't: what is God waiting me to learn from caring for my daddy and going through all that we have gone through and are continually seeming to go through. So if anyone could give me a heads up on this answer (is it possible for God to give someone an answer to someone else question or lesson?)

Saturday, July 28, 2018

this is where the healing begins...

for the last 22 years I have dreaded the coming week.

it is the week before my daddy's accident...

then in 2008 at the beginning of this week was Sammi's accident and then the real dread kicks in.

the guilt...

the shame...

 the anxiety...

when they say that a brain injury affects the entire family it is so true.

My dad being beaten up affected him, me, my aunts and uncle, my grandad, my kids...
Sam's accident affected Sammi, me, Dennis, Joshua, Isaac and Hannah, Dennis' parents...

While both were totally different types and outcomes for brain injuries, they both affected me so strongly and I can't think of too many days that have gone by where I haven't thought of either of them and what could have been.

As the last week of July comes around, the what ifs and the if only's are so loud in my head, and this year is no different than the last 22 and 10...

What if when Dad and I had spoken differently that last Saturday morning?
What if I had told him more to follow his heart and be honest to himself and to me?
What if when I got to the hospital I had said my goodbyes and let him go sooner?
What if I had fought harder and had him come to Manitoba so I could have gotten him different care?

Maybe he would have had a different outcome if I had have done this instead of that.
Maybe he would at least speak if I had fought harder for different medical help.
Maybe he would remember me if I had be there more when it had happened.
Maybe if we hadn't argued that last Saturday, he would remember me.

With Sam's accident it is:

What if I had told them to come home instead of another week at the farm?
What if I had fought harder with the medical system to get him the proper help when it came to his mental health?

Then these thoughts start:
If I had had them come home when they were supposed to:
- Joshua wouldn't have dealt with (and I think still does) the guilt of suggesting going target practicing that day.
- Isaac wouldn't have had so much anger towards me about the time I had to spend taking Samuel to appointments.
- Hannah wouldn't be so worried about everyone and trying to be the momma.
- Samuel wouldn't have gotten into marijuana for pain and I am sure escape.
-  Samuel would have graduated with his friends, he would have been able to have a normal teenage life, he wouldn't have had the year of seizure drugs that messed with his head and his body.
- Isaac wouldn't have dealt with a lot of Sam's aggression.
- Each of our kids wouldn't have felt like I was abandoning each of them.
-  Josh and Samuel would still be best friends.
- The kids wouldn't have all felt the need to look after and worry about Samuel
- Sam wouldn't feel like we treat him like a child.
- Our Sam wouldn't feel like we are trying to control him when we are just wanting to help.

I have never told anyone until the other day (when I asked for prayer from a few friends at church for this) what I deal with each year at this time - but to be honest I didn't go into great detail with them either yet -- sometimes I am too scared to share my thoughts with other incase they think I am crazy... lol .. go figure why eh?!)

Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of Sammi's "2nd birthday". I have had these weird things going on in my chest the last 4 days -- feels like a baby kicking in the middle of my chest. I cry at stupid things - songs, commercials, tv shows... nightmares... erratic eating... headaches...

So, this is where the healing to begins...

This is where fear and I are parting ways and as Francesca Battistelli sings the "Break Up Song":

Then a  friend sent me this verse yesterday and I had just read the verse this week {and Hannah always says, "If God feels you twice you had better listen!" and I agree}:

Ephesians 3:14-19 The Message (MSG)

14-19 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

And then I saw this on Twitter:

So I am listening God...

Starting now, I will look to all the blessings that we have encountered because of this journey; the friendships, the education, all the strangers to help, knowledge that I had that prepared me to help Sam when I could, to help Dennis when I could, to recognize the injuries and have understand and knowledge of them as each of our three other kids had concussions and we dealt with them.
There is so much for me to focus on and I pray that God will help to gently remind me to do just that... focus on Him, keep my eyes upward not backward.
I pray He will give me strength to hand it all to Him, if and when I stumble, I pray that it would be a sooner rather than later recognition of self piloting in these well chartered waters of trying to do it alone.

I will cling to Jesus and His promise to never leave me or forsake me. I will lean in His arms and fully rely on Him and I don't want to forget that He is God and nothing surprises Him... nothing.

God is good, all the time...

Thursday, July 19, 2018

couldn’t have said it better myself...

This this was a post from earlier in the year that I never posted and as the end of the month draws near, I think I can post it ... 


Music was a big part of me when I tried to express my emotions when growing up.
It still is the easiest way for me to deal with things.
Lyrics always seem to be able to say it... say anything... say everything... better than I can.
I crank up a song that really speaks to my heart and sing along to it with all my heart and tears pouring down my cheeks...

I try my best to be honest when posting here - its not always easy.
I'm not meaning I lie if I'm not being honest....
I mean, I try to post the most realistic views of what is happening in our corner and in my heart and head.

I try to be respectful of family members and friends, so I don't  post about things.
I try to not hurt peoples feelings or give them a reason to be mad at me (I am a people pleaser...)

everything I post is 100% true...
I just don't post everything that happens or goes through my brain or how I truly feel - I know this sounds strange when you read some of the things I post...

and in doing so I am not always 100% honest about how I am feeling or why I am feeling that way... but some things I can’t put into words or I am scared to give voice to some things...

so like Carrie Underwood says;

You can pretty lie

And say it’s okay
You can pretty smile
And just walk away
Pretty much fake your way through anything
But you can’t cry pretty

one day I will possibly be strong enough and brave enough to post exactly how I am feeling and why...

but until then...

music will speak for me when I struggle for the right words