Saturday, July 28, 2018

this is where the healing begins...

for the last 22 years I have dreaded the coming week.

it is the week before my daddy's accident...

then in 2008 at the beginning of this week was Sammi's accident and then the real dread kicks in.

the guilt...

the shame...

 the anxiety...

when they say that a brain injury affects the entire family it is so true.

My dad being beaten up affected him, me, my aunts and uncle, my grandad, my kids...
Sam's accident affected Sammi, me, Dennis, Joshua, Isaac and Hannah, Dennis' parents...

While both were totally different types and outcomes for brain injuries, they both affected me so strongly and I can't think of too many days that have gone by where I haven't thought of either of them and what could have been.

As the last week of July comes around, the what ifs and the if only's are so loud in my head, and this year is no different than the last 22 and 10...

What if when Dad and I had spoken differently that last Saturday morning?
What if I had told him more to follow his heart and be honest to himself and to me?
What if when I got to the hospital I had said my goodbyes and let him go sooner?
What if I had fought harder and had him come to Manitoba so I could have gotten him different care?

Maybe he would have had a different outcome if I had have done this instead of that.
Maybe he would at least speak if I had fought harder for different medical help.
Maybe he would remember me if I had be there more when it had happened.
Maybe if we hadn't argued that last Saturday, he would remember me.

With Sam's accident it is:

What if I had told them to come home instead of another week at the farm?
What if I had fought harder with the medical system to get him the proper help when it came to his mental health?

Then these thoughts start:
If I had had them come home when they were supposed to:
- Joshua wouldn't have dealt with (and I think still does) the guilt of suggesting going target practicing that day.
- Isaac wouldn't have had so much anger towards me about the time I had to spend taking Samuel to appointments.
- Hannah wouldn't be so worried about everyone and trying to be the momma.
- Samuel wouldn't have gotten into marijuana for pain and I am sure escape.
-  Samuel would have graduated with his friends, he would have been able to have a normal teenage life, he wouldn't have had the year of seizure drugs that messed with his head and his body.
- Isaac wouldn't have dealt with a lot of Sam's aggression.
- Each of our kids wouldn't have felt like I was abandoning each of them.
-  Josh and Samuel would still be best friends.
- The kids wouldn't have all felt the need to look after and worry about Samuel
- Sam wouldn't feel like we treat him like a child.
- Our Sam wouldn't feel like we are trying to control him when we are just wanting to help.

I have never told anyone until the other day (when I asked for prayer from a few friends at church for this) what I deal with each year at this time - but to be honest I didn't go into great detail with them either yet -- sometimes I am too scared to share my thoughts with other incase they think I am crazy... lol .. go figure why eh?!)

Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of Sammi's "2nd birthday". I have had these weird things going on in my chest the last 4 days -- feels like a baby kicking in the middle of my chest. I cry at stupid things - songs, commercials, tv shows... nightmares... erratic eating... headaches...

So, this is where the healing to begins...

This is where fear and I are parting ways and as Francesca Battistelli sings the "Break Up Song":

Then a  friend sent me this verse yesterday and I had just read the verse this week {and Hannah always says, "If God feels you twice you had better listen!" and I agree}:

Ephesians 3:14-19 The Message (MSG)

14-19 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

And then I saw this on Twitter:

So I am listening God...

Starting now, I will look to all the blessings that we have encountered because of this journey; the friendships, the education, all the strangers to help, knowledge that I had that prepared me to help Sam when I could, to help Dennis when I could, to recognize the injuries and have understand and knowledge of them as each of our three other kids had concussions and we dealt with them.
There is so much for me to focus on and I pray that God will help to gently remind me to do just that... focus on Him, keep my eyes upward not backward.
I pray He will give me strength to hand it all to Him, if and when I stumble, I pray that it would be a sooner rather than later recognition of self piloting in these well chartered waters of trying to do it alone.

I will cling to Jesus and His promise to never leave me or forsake me. I will lean in His arms and fully rely on Him and I don't want to forget that He is God and nothing surprises Him... nothing.

God is good, all the time...

Thursday, July 19, 2018

couldn’t have said it better myself...

This this was a post from earlier in the year that I never posted and as the end of the month draws near, I think I can post it ... 


Music was a big part of me when I tried to express my emotions when growing up.
It still is the easiest way for me to deal with things.
Lyrics always seem to be able to say it... say anything... say everything... better than I can.
I crank up a song that really speaks to my heart and sing along to it with all my heart and tears pouring down my cheeks...

I try my best to be honest when posting here - its not always easy.
I'm not meaning I lie if I'm not being honest....
I mean, I try to post the most realistic views of what is happening in our corner and in my heart and head.

I try to be respectful of family members and friends, so I don't  post about things.
I try to not hurt peoples feelings or give them a reason to be mad at me (I am a people pleaser...)

everything I post is 100% true...
I just don't post everything that happens or goes through my brain or how I truly feel - I know this sounds strange when you read some of the things I post...

and in doing so I am not always 100% honest about how I am feeling or why I am feeling that way... but some things I can’t put into words or I am scared to give voice to some things...

so like Carrie Underwood says;

You can pretty lie

And say it’s okay
You can pretty smile
And just walk away
Pretty much fake your way through anything
But you can’t cry pretty

one day I will possibly be strong enough and brave enough to post exactly how I am feeling and why...

but until then...

music will speak for me when I struggle for the right words 

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

I choose...

I read this Max Lucado long ago script and had to share it today with FB and trying to share it on Twitter and on here because it rang so harmoniously in my heart today. I have been working on trying to be more of who God wants me to be and less of who society thinks I should be. I want to be someone who thinks of others, sees needs when and where it’s needed, who has peace in all situations, who forgives and KNOW I am forgiven... so much. It is not Brain Injury related but it is ME related... so read, choose and enjoy! 💗

by Max Lucado 

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming. 
In a few moments, the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. 
The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose…. 

No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves. 

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God. 

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live. 

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage. 

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me. 

I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness. 

Today I will keep my promises. 
My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My spouse will not question my love. 

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I make a demand, may it only be of myself. 

I am a spiritual being… After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control. 

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.