Thursday, November 16, 2017

holding my breath ... but i have to let go

I have to learn to let go...
and let God ...

In keeping with my initial statements when I made this blog  of staying honest I am going to o-continue with that here today. This IS NOT a post about brain injury... 

Our youngest and only daughter has gone to Mazatlàn, Mexico with YWAM (Youth With a Mission) where she is doing her DTS (Discipleship in Training)...and we couldn't be more proud but now that her outreach has been announced I feel like I am always holding my breath ...

She will be in Mexico until Dec. 18, (unless something changes with the travel plans) that will be the start of their outreach. She will then be traveling with TWO groups to Spain where they will leave the Spain outreach team and leave for Algeria, North Africa.  We don't know where exactly in Algeria  they will be going as it can compromise their outreach.  From what we understand it is dangerous to spread the Word of God there (Islam is the main religion - 99%). So that is a little unnerving for a momma's heart.

I have been working hard to let God take this heavy heart and let Him do the work of "worrying" (and yes, I know He doesn't worry...) but I am not very good at letting Him to keep that issue.  To be honest I am scared for our girl. I have prayed and prayed. I keep handing my love for Hannah to Him like I did with Sam when he had his accident, but I don't seem to feel that same peace that I did when I was able to let Sammi go home if that was what God wanted. I don't know why I can't find that peace... it bothers me so much that I can't.  honestly I am scared that something will happen to her while she is there. I am scared. I am scared for so many things that are unreasonable and some that are possible.

 I can't even explain it.

We have seen such amazing growth in our girl since she has been with YWAM. She is honest in her struggles, but she is just as excited in her own and in others growth and revelations. She is more open about her faith and she isn't scared to say when she is feeling lost or less than and I think that is because she HAS stretched her faith further than she ever has! She has seen and been apart of so many miraculous things. She has seen God at work everyday through not so rose coloured glasses, for people who believe in Him and people who don't.
Hannah has been able to see that not everyone is as privileged as we are here in our country, our community ... our home.

I have seen her face light up when speaking about playing soccer with kids, sitting with young children who doesn't speak english (or at all), with talking to people who live in a garbage dump and when they have prayed for someone who is in YWAM, or for people who are on the street. Her eyes sparkle when she talks about going to North Africa and when they come back to Mazatlan for carnival. Her heart is so huge for spreading Christ's love and His Message.

Even so ... even though I see this light, I hear the love in her voice, I can see His plan beginning to work in her ... I still wish she wasn't going to somewhere where that is a reason for others to use it against her. Even though I was alright and at complete peace with God taking Sammi home if that was His plan, I am not with Hannah.

I have found every "excuse" in the book -- she's my baby, my last born, she is my only girl, she is so kindhearted, her love for God and others literally shines through her (and I admire that), it is a very dangerous country, she is not overly street wise, she is too trusting.
I have always told her that when I grow up I want to be just like her ... this makes me feel so guilty and sad. I really do want to be more like Hannah; to be seemingly fearless in my faith and not be scared to step out into the unknown for God. I know that anything can happen anywhere at anytime to anyone... but who can listen to reason when your heart is hurting?

Before Hannah left she and I got matching tattoos on our forearms:
LOVE YOU in each others handwriting and verses to remind us to
go to God always. I used to pray numbers 6:24-26 over the kids
each morning before they left for school.
And on our wrists: 
a reminder to breathe and go to Him when
things feel like they are closing in and you can't breathe...

and I look at them everyday to remind myself to pray, to take it to Him, to let Him give me the peace that passes all understanding... and just breathe

and I keep praying:

Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours]. Philippians 4:6-7 (AMP)

He has it all in HIs hands and He knows the outcome to everything...

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

maybe this is my epiphany...

but then again, how can it be an epiphany if I have always known it?

So daddy is still sick. Not getting and worse and yet not any better either...
On Saturday the care home sent him up to the hospital to see a doctor and he was admitted and will be there for a few days. The medical staff at both the hospital and the care home are all confused as to why he is on medication, starts to get better then gets sick again. So now he is in the hospital and is getting his medication via IV.
The resident that saw him last night said (after looking at his file) his pneumonia would start to get better in his right lung then his left would get it; then as it got better it would go into his right lung. Totally not making sense. So th hope is that the IV meds will work and wipe it out.
Dennis and I were with him yesterday at the hospital until they got him settled in and the IV inserted - so we could help keep daddy calm-ish and he was ready to go to sleep. Then I arrived this morning and spent a good part of the day with him. He was white, unusually quiet and didn’t eat much... but he DID eat. The nurses suggested to get dad’s chair sent to the hospital so we got it and had him sitting up in it for a few hours in hopes of breaking the chest issues. Time will tell.

I have really been struggling with this bout of sickness with Daddy. He looks so tired and so small. He weighs almost nothing 60.2kg (about 132lbs)and he is 6’2”. He is literally a rack of bones. My daddy was always really thin but not like this. His appetite has decreased so much of late and he is wasting away before my eyes. He doesn’t talk a whole lot but he will sing bits and pieces of old songs that he loved — but only if he is in the right mood it seems. Today was not one of those moods or days. My prayer has been {and always has been} that if it is God’s will to take Daddy home, I can live with that. But there is enormous guilt that has gone along with that prayer. I have had friends tell me to “enjoy every minute with him while I have him.” “Don’t be so selfish to pray like that.” And other things, but I know my dad didn’t want to live like this. He told me about a year and a half before this happened, what i was to do and what he wanted and didn’t want - but that doesn’t stop the guilt.
Then this morningI was spreading my bible and God led me to a devotion by Carol L. Baldwin called “Trust and Confidence” I was based on Matthew 26:39

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” 

It made me think that maybe I am looking at this all wrong. Maybe I am to be rejoicing  in this trial with Daddy and his entire injury (not just the pneumonia) Maybe He is granting me time to appreciate again what I have in the Daddy I have left now... and not mourn the man I lost 22 years ago.
the further readings I read were:
1Peter 1:6-7
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

1Peter 4:12-13
12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Not so much that I am ‘suffering’ for being a Christian but in that I need to learn to lean on Him and trust in Him way more than I do. When I look back on the things we have gone through since daddy's accident in 1996 -- right up to recently -- I can see when times that I had viewed as challenges {or even negative issues} occurred actually really helped me in a time later o down the line. Now I have known this and think about it quite frequently of how maybe Daddy 'accident' {choices really} really an truly helped me to get through everything we have gone through with our Sammi. I don't know how I would have even began to grasp the enormity of Sam's accident if I hadn't have had my experiences with Daddy first.

So I will continue to pray for God's will through it all. And try to focus on Him and what I am supposed to be taking away format or learning from it! A daily reminder of this will be in my heart, in my mind and on my fridge:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3:5-6NIV

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Sometimes people suck ...

What would YOU say if you found out that someone you loved and is in someone else's care and the one you love has been sick for over three weeks, has been to the local hospital for chest X-rays and is now going for a second set?

This is part of this other persons {to be fair there could be more than one person who has this job to do} job, to keep family {in my case ... only me} updated on your loved ones health issues and the like.

I got a phone message yesterday afternoon/evening from th care home where my daddy is taken care of and lives, asking if I could call them back regarding some,thing with my daddy. I didn't get my message until this morning and I called right away. I was informed that my daddy is going to the hospital on Monday morning for a second chest X-ray because his pneumonia doesn't seem to be getting better....

Excuse me?

His pneumonia?

Second chest X-ray ....

I told the woman I had not been informed of the first X-ray OR his pneumonia and we had just been in to visit last week and he didnt seem to be or sound sick.

She seemed quite shocked to hear this.

Like I said earlier, I am the ONLY person who needs to be called when things happpen.
I mean they call me about:

- holes in his socks and what should they do about them.
- missing shavers from his bathroom - would I know where they are?
- no batteries for a clock in his room.
- if I am shopping he could do with a new pillow.

 Y'all get the idea.

For the most part, I absolutely love where daddy is. He gets fantastic care but wonderful staff.
But sometimes when it comes to big ticket items {insert almost any issue here} they really drop the ball. This is NOT the first time this has occurred either!

Dennis and I were on our way out today to do some grocery shopping and whatnot, so we stopped in to see daddy, and his chest was quite rattley with lots of moistness in it, so I am glad he's going to get another X-ray. I AMA little concerned about the medications they have Him on not working, but he is in Gods care and He knows what is needed to get daddy on the mend, if that's His will.

Daddy went for X-rays yesterday and the pneumonia is definitely back and more in his right lung. SO a new and stronger medication and a nebulizer every 2 days (because the medication can do damage to his kidneys -- it never rains but pours right!)

We will be back on Wednesday to check in and see how he's doing.

Daddy just looked so tired and small. How can someone who was such a giant in my life be reduced to looking so small?