is this it?

2 weeks ago I met with the counselor at the boys school and the youth mental health counselor -- Barb, from the Health Unit...
Sam's first visit with barb is today after lunch. I think he is ok with it but who knows anymore...
Josh will be meeting with the school counselor -- we figured for now 'if it ain't broke...' but ever since I told Josh I would have having the meeting he would ask when it was... like almost everyday...
Now since the meeting he knows who he will be talking with and asks daily when it will be... finally yesterday i told him that if he needs to talk to go to Mr. Swanton on his own. Its ok to do that.  So he said he might...
This kind of makes Dennis and I wonder...
What is on his mind?
Does it have anything to do with the accident?
Or is it an unrelated issue?
Josh is the 'strong silent' type of guy. He won't tell you anything unless you p-u-l-l it out of him. This is good when it comes to the fact that he is not a whiner about stuff, but when there is stuff -- it is hard to get it out of him....
but when it does pile up...
look out.
He is emotional and it is hard to believe that he held it all in so long...
Today is a day where I am FINALLY home -- all day! So I will spend it cleaning, doing laundry, working on my ecourse and praying for my boys today.

I wonder if this is what I have been feeling has been coming?

All I can do is pray

that GUT feeling...

I have been struggling again to post on here.
It seems some days as if there is so much going on and then in a flash it seems like it is silly to even write about it... I am not sure where or how to start...
or what to say...
But it feels like there is something brewing...
just that deep-down-in-my-gut-things-are-not-quite-right feeling that I hope is just 'Albert' (my stomach issue) and not something else.
I just got back from a weekend away at a friends house in Moose Jaw. I can't tell Dennis just how much I needed that trip.
I needed to be away from everything that is pulling me down in the atmosphere of our home... mostly because I can't explain it.
It is a strange feeling and maybe it is just me...
Everyone seems to be happy but there is something else...
So I do what I usually do and smile and trudge along with it...
I never once this weekend needed my cayenne pepper pills or the apple cider vinegar but as we got closer to the border my stomach started acting up... and it was such a surprise that it did. Well sort of.... I did take an apple cider vinegar tea for the road in anticipation of something but honestly the ride was so nice and relaxing (I had Hannah gurl with me) that I really didn't think I would need it...
BUT
I did...
I felt that ball...
deep in my stomach...
a tightening in my chest...
I had to resist the urge to cry quite a few times...

I am tired of this feeling
I don't know what to do any more
for anyone
let alone me

Something exciting!

Our oldest, Joshua got his drivers license yesterday! YAY JOSH!
This is jusst as exciting for me as it is for him!
I have someone else to share the driving with! ☺
Josh can now drive everyone to the bus in the morning (we live 5miles from their school bus stop) AND bring them home! He can also take the boys on Thursday nights to cadets if I can't make it!
sigh...
I am thinking that maybe tomorrow when Sam and Zac get home from Morden that maybe Josh will go and pick them up -- they don't know that Josh got his license yet, so they will be very excited for him!

Now the next one...Sam will be going for his learners in June-ish...
oh boy! ☺

STILL recovering

This, of course, is just my (and Dennis') perception of things but Sam is still recuperating from his TBI...ummm, yes, STILL. But then when you think of it... he still has 3 small fragments in his brain.
3 small pieces of the single bullet that entered his skull...
(I still have troubles with typing that -- especially after this week)

anyhow, back to my thot process...
Sam had exams this week on Monday and Tuesday. He also went to school on Wednesday to finish some work in Woods class. Then he was home sick yesterday (he missed cadets last night), and today he went into town to his gf house for the afternoon and to wait to leave on a weekend trip with cadets. They are heading to Morden for some fun with the Morden cadets.
We had a talk with him yesterday about having to take ownership of his recovery and that we can't make ALL his decisions about things. He is going to have to learn to watch for his own health issues at some point and what better time to learn about this while at home where we can help him in seeing things. We talked about how he was going to be having an incredibly busy semester now with a heavy academic load and spring football and cadets (nt to mention calving and other spring farm work) So HE made the decision about not going to cadets last night so he could stay home, sleep, rest, drink lots of tea and rest some more! (I was so proud that he took that step!)
He woke up this morning feeling and sounding MUCH better than he did last night, and so off to town we went. On our way to town he says to me,"Mom, my face is doing it again!" and as I turn to look at him the left side of his face is twitching uncontrollably. This went on for about a minute after he told me  (and I forgot to ask him how long it had been b4 he told me!).
I started thinking that with it being the left side of his face, and YES this has happened before, that must mean there is some recovery stuff going on in the right side of his brain (where the bullet entered and the fragments sit). So even 2.5 years after the accident we are still dealing with recovery issues, which again brought to mind (I am feeling a bit like the Mouse in the children's book "If you give a mouse a cookie..")that this is what we have been trying to get thru to the school.
He is still recovering!
He is still having fatigue issues!
We are still working on sleep issues!
But no one but us really seem to see these facts...
Sam is a miracle kid, but there is still a struggle that he is going to have for not only a few months but most possibly his entire life.
He may look fine on the outside but there are still things working to  fix itself on the inside...

There is another area or issue that I deal with...
When do I, as his mom and caregiver, stop having to wondering if I should be writing this down, watching for this or that, if that is just a normal reaction/teen issue/ life issue or part of the TBI... what if I don't catch something and it turns out to be something that I should have? What if I am worrying about thing that are normal and nothing to do with TBI? When can I stop second guessing every move or thot I have!?

so ...
for now...
I will mark down the week and his twitching and see if it coincides with tiredness or anything else and then let a doctor know.... and see what they say...