Wednesday, December 31, 2008

blindfolded with mitts on

my mom called me this morning to tell me that my cousin in Ontario that has cancer is not doing well. the doctors are not doing anymore treatments with him. I was hoping for a more positive start to the New Year.
I know a while back i had said i needed to stay real with how i was feeling about things in our lives and family... well here it is....
My kids are all a bit different right now . Josh is sick with something (kinda croupy coughs and just feeling like garbage) and quiet alot more--but still has that new nervous habit of making noise, Sam is NOT sleeping well at all and so he is exhausted all the time, Isaac seems to be more emotional and dramatic about almost everyething and Hannah is extremely clingy and emotional.... I would like to say it is just the Christmas blues...but i know better. I know my kids and what they are like.... this is not my kids. I think we need to all sit down and talk and try to get to the bottom of things and let some of this emotional "bottling up" that we all like to do, out. I think it is finally time to set everyone down and talk about what has happened with our family since this summer. I laugh sometimes about the counsellors that we talked to shortly after Sam's accident and how they all said "oh you are handling it all fine!" maybe they should see us now... it feels like my family is falling to pieces and slipping thru my fingers! I feel like I am trying to put together a puzzle in the dark .... with mitts on.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sam's Surprise Party

We were actually able to pull of the BEST surprise for Sam! We had a surprise party for him on the last day of school before Christmas break! I picked up all his friends from school and then Dennis had Sam in the shop "finishing Grandpa and Grandma's Christmas present" while I filed them all into the house.Dennis then sent Sam into the house for fishing line... and there were his friends! They are such an awesome bunch of kids! They were all so excited for him and they seemed to have fun playing the wii -- Boogie (Karaoke game) and Dance Dance Revolution!

This Christmas season was busy for us all and Sam is showing the signs now of his exhaustion. When Hannah took some pictures of us all on the 27th Sammi was back to a 1/2 smile... the left side was too tired to smile. So we have been at home trying hard to get him back into a relaxing and "stress free" life.

It was hard to see how hard he worked to keep up with the other kids at the farm on Boxing Day. He was outside for about 5 hours with the kids building a snow fort and when he came back in he was so tired but in order to keep up with everyone else he let his mouth run off and get himself into trouble. But Dennis and I understood what was happening -- unfortunately others didnt and there were thoughts that he was being disrespectful and a trouble maker.... sigh... lets just say that the "mother bear" was having a hard time trying to hold her tongue!I can fractionally understand how tired Sam is most days, since I find it emotionally draining and physically exhausting to try to keep up with his moods and tiredness! If I am feeling this-- then -- what does this boy go thru on a daily basis!? I am just surprised tho at the reaction of family members to his coping skills -- I had hoped that they might try to be a bit more understanding and not see everything as "bad behaviour" and see it from his perspective. Maybe I expect too much from people?

I pray that 2009 is a year filled with healing for Sam. He is still so far from where he used to be, but so much farther from where the doctors thought he would be! Praise God!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It is almost here...

yes it is almost here. Tomorrow we celebrate Christmas. I am still not in my usual Christmas mood but Iam excited for tomorrow. I feel a peace that hasnt been in me for a long time. I feel happy about tomorrow coming but I am mostly sitting in a comfortable peace. It is a nice feeling . But tomorrow is the day that our children will open their gifts that we have bought them, it is the day that they will open the gifts that their siblings so carefully chose for them.
Tomorrow is Christ's birthday-- everyday i thank him for his wonderful gift of life -- in so many ways!

First, for his gift of everlasting life! Without that, these last few months, would not have been as bearable as they were. Without knowing that I will be in Heaven with Him, with my wonderful husband and my children, I dont know where we would be today ... literally. It was thru Christ that I was able to survive the drive to Winnipeg to Sam, the drive to Neepawa to my Mom when they both needed me. It was because of HIM that I was able to be who they needed me to be! Thank you Lord for that gift to me! You knew what was coming down the way at us before it all happened and You gave me the strength to stand thru it and not (totally) fall apart.

Second, He gave the gift of LIFE to my son, Sam! He gave him to me not only once as a baby, but again on July 29 when we werent sure if we would see our Sammi again! I will never be able to explain the fear in my heart as we hit the perimeter of Winnipeg and it all came to me what had happened-- but then I will never be able to explain the joy I felt when Sammi looked at me in the emergency room and he smiled with his lopsided,half paralyzed face. All I can say is this: God is so good!

I want to take this time to thank everyone! For the meals, the calls, the visits, the inquiries, the smiles, the hugs, the prayers...this list could go on forever! I know I will never be able to show you all just how much you mean to us and how much your care and concern for our family has touched our hearts...but thank you. I thank you all for being you and for allowing God to speak into your hearts what we needed to hear, see and expereince thru you all!

May you have the merriest of Christmases and a very healthy, happy and joyous New Year!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Can Christmas be over?

i am feeling increasing overwhelmed with Christmas and life in general. I am normally a huge fan of Christmas and all that goes with it, but not this year. I just want it all to be over with and life to return to whatever normal I can find. Between our spring, Sam and Dwayne I am finding it very difficult to be "merry"-- I just want Christmas to be over.I have to force myself to be socialable. (those who know me-- know that i am a VERY socialable person). I cant explain it ... just not me.

And, apparently, Albert (my ulcer) and I will be together for another year. Yesterday at the doctor (our monthly visit to see one of my favourite persons in town) he told me that I am still producing alot of acid in my stomach due to the stress that still has a hol on our household. (i guess then that he (Albert) and I will have a long and not very happy life together-- when is there never stress!?) So another year of med's to try to control him and possibly "divorce" him by next year.

The doctor is also going to have Sam go for another round of sleep clinic and we have to keep a dream journal for him (Sam not the doctor). Sam has never been one to talk of his dreams. He says he never remembers them, so maybe this is why the poor kid is so tired all the time. So we will see. he had a very emotional morning today and i was in tears as he left for school. He says he doesnt know what is wrong but he just feels down. he says there is no trouble or anything at school, so i am not sure. Hopefully when we get in to Wpg to see the "head doctor" (no not the neurologist either) she may have some useful tools for us to use to help him. It is heartbreaking for me. I just want to keep him home and let us both cry it all out til we are bone dry and cant even spit.

I have been extrememly emotinal myslef these days. I made an idiot of myself last Thursday by crying about some paper work for Sam that i forgot to mail. And i was at work... I find that i am crying at the stupidest times and for the dumbest reasons, commercials, songs, and not the sappy ones...just for no reason. So i have made an idiot of myself on a few occassions i guess...just not prepared to name them all.

Tonight is the Ladies Banquet at the church and I am in charge of the program. I shose to decorate in the Winter Wonderland theme, and found a great poem about snowflakes and uniqueness and thanks to God for the differences in snowflakes and in each person. Then there is a skit about "how to mke the perfect Woman" and how we are all unique and perfect in our own way... there is no recipe for THE perfect woman-- just perfection in God's eyes. It all tied together really well i think considering i took ideas from about 3 or 4 other programs. Then i had some awesome friends that offered to help me to decorate and sut up. They all showed up last night after supper to help and (again i wanted to cry... I never expected the extra help-- but God knew that I needed it!) the men helped to set up a background for photos to be taken. The whole overall effect is amazing! Thank you so much for all the help Barb, Rick, Harris, Jenn and my wonderful husband, Dennis. you have no idea how much it all meant to me last night!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

just not there yet...

I am not too sure why but I am not in a "Christmassy" mood yet this year. I have my Nativity scenes out, and I know it is not the main reason of Christmas- but i have done most of the shopping, I have been listening to music and blah blah blah and all that jazz, but i am just not there yet. I honestly can say that if Christmas were to be over tomorrow I would be ok with that. OUr tree is not up (which for those of my friends and family who know me-- know that I BEG Dennis to let me get it up the last week of Nov and hold out to the first of Dec) But i even told him that I was ok with NOT having a tree or anything. I am working hard on trying to make things happy and cheerful for the kids but I really would love to skip it this year and crawl into bed for a good loooooong sleep!
We were at Mom's this weekend and got her tree up and her house decorated and it looks fabulous--even that didnt help to move my spirits. I think that it is just maybe too much for me...not sure. A friend who went thru a pretty traumatic and stressful summer and I were talking and i wonder if she didnt hit the nail on the head when she said that possibly we (she and I) were experiencing PTSD (post traumtic stress disorder) I know we are supposed to keep an eye on the boys for it (not too sure what it 'looks' like...) so maybe I am. I know that we have way too much going on and we are (Dennis and I) ready for a winter hibernation then who isnt...

I have one thing I am a bit excited over and it is about Sam's birthday. I cant say anything else tho incase he reads this OR someone else tells him about it--but rest assured he is going to love it!And THAT i am happy/excited about.

Sam has been really tired alot lately. Too the point where he is ready to sleep at 5.30pm, he is sleeping in longer in the mornings, and is just plain beat. I was worried he was coming down with something last week as he had a slight temperature and was white, but a day at home resting on the couch helped him to feel better. (we are not out the woods with fevers and he needs to stay healthy!) In a meeting with the teachers at school they all seemed to feel he was back to his normal self, and sometimes I see it too, but then comes the majority of the days where he is quiet, tired and withdrawn. I wonder if he is putting SO MUCH energy into "being normal" that it is what is wiping him out everyday. I watched him on Friday at my mom's while we decorated the tree, and he put on a few decorations and then just sat in the chair or laid on the couch and watched. I brought tears to my eyes when i watched him, because my bouncy energetic Sam was not there with us. I miss that Sam.