Monday, January 16, 2012

It's 'Blue Monday'...

... isnt that every Monday!? Ok I am joking... but only partly

for us the weekends are always such a hassle. Sam is home and every noise or action in the house tends to irritate him, which will result in him being short tempered and wanting to fight. This weekend was no exception.

Things have been ok but there has been an underlying grouchiness that has been brewing since around the end of November. For someone with a TBI (or at least with MY survivors) the excitement and stress (both good and bad) of the Christmas season seems to not bring out the 'jingle-jangle-share-the-love' kinda feelings. There is too much noise, too much visual stimulation, too much food, too much action, too much energy in the air, to little sleep, too little slow paced routine... just too much of most things and not enough of others.

Come mid-November Sam is getting tired with going to school, football season is over, cadets each week (and quite a few weekends too), trying to keep up with everyone else in the house and those people that come and go in the house. He is not sleeping well and his stress levels are rising and he is a ticking time bomb for emotions.

While everyone else looks forward to the 2 weeks of holidays away from school and the rush of life and routines, they can be 2 weeks of stress for others. In our house, we have to be sure to keep the kids somewhat on a routine for Sam's benefit. They are not allowed to sleep past 9am, they have to be in bed by 11, we still eat our meals together as much as possible, the snacks and treats of the holiday are monitored (so sugar levels do not hit the high levels which result in not just the rushes but the major crashes ...)

But even with all this being done (and you can bet that no one under the age of 17 is thankful for this scheduling and monitoring) there is still that under currant that is humming in the atmosphere that Sam picks up on and runs with if given the chance. Where as one teen will laugh have fun with other friends or family members, Sam will go into overdrive in order to try to 'keep up' with everyone and not be able to gear down and get to a normal tone or speed. This results in family and friends thinking Sam is 'trouble' or 'hyper active'. They dont see that he is basically just trying to survive each day or moment at a time.

Fast forward the holidays to Jan and the first week back to school. What happens then? Well, teachers and students are done with the holiday stress and have moved onto exam stress and fighting to get back into a regular routine. What doesSam feel? Stress, overwhelming stress... nothing much more than that. this causes him to become tired, fall behind in some areas, which causes him to feel stress, then he will become more tired and fall behind more... it is a vicious circle.

This all brings me to Blue Mondays via the weekends... Sam gets home Friday nights trying to unwind and relax but has to be surrounded by 5 other people. If he has plans to go out with friends (the oscar award winning Sam appears then) then he is ok to a point-- when he has to come home again and life is still waiting for him. I have people wondering why are not here or there and I cant tell them it is because Sam is having a melt down, or he is stressed (which would result in a melt down if pressed), then add to all this mix one of the other 3 kids in our house and all of their issues (and yes drama...)

It is mornings like the one we had today that makes me wonder "have we been handling all of this ok" and "is there other things we should be doing" and the big one"does anyone ever listen when Dennis and I talk about how life is for us when they are all demanding we be there/here/anywhere/somewhere"
Sam's accident may have been over 3 years ago but we are all still living it daily.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Still fresh

the other night we all sat around watching NCIS and it was in the final 15 seconds of the show. (please forgive me for not remembering the name of characters -- we were/are just starting to watch this show)
Mark Harmon (the 'head' dude) just finishes telling the female character (Kate I think her name was) that her job of protecting him is over (after she just took a bullet for him in the chest-- but was wearing a vest) ....

even in typing this my heart is pounding and i am tearing up...

all of a sudden she is shot in the head

i was so shocked at it that I covered my eyes and started crying,

uncontrollably, sobbing

like i had a vested interest in the show from watching it for months

like it wasnt a show at all but real life

I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach

my head was swimming

my kids quietly filed upstairs as Dennis hugged me

Sam sat there and watched me cry (which I learned when I finally moved)

my family knows that I am not one to watch shows with killing and shooting in it (minus the old John Wayne movies) and especially after Sam's accident I will not watch certain movies. I can't -- even in knowing it is a movie and there is no real harm to anyone.

This was so totally out of the blue, such a shock.

I felt incredibly silly after and I still do,

but all I could think about was Sam and the whole scenario played in my head of the first 2-3 days.

Then I could not get the whole shooting on the show out of my head. I still can't...

We have been dealing with some stress again in our house due to teens and "relationships", Christmas is just over and the New Year, there is some other extended family stuff going on.... it might just have been too much for me.

I dont know, but it was just

too much

Not quite the way I was wanting to start 2012.