hardest post ever to write

I have wrote this post so many times now...


in my head and on here and never actually hit publish...
I don't talk to anyone other than Dennis really about this...
and our kids...
we have asked for prayer from a few people but to actually sit and let someone know the whole sordid tale is almost too much...

I struggle to talk about it for lots of reasons:

1. worried how people will react or what they would say (most people don't understand Brain Injuries and so they rarely know how to react to that ... let alone a BI AND other issues)
2. hearing people tell me what I should do or should have done (condemnation for being a terrible mom)
3. having to look people who know in the eye and see 'that look' of pity or worse
4. I can cry at the drop of a hat... again
5. It brings back some bad memories

we are dealing with a lot of things with Samuel again. he is struggling with a lot of things as well... but he won't let us in to help and (I should say maybe its OR) he won't let us.

First of all, he has a drug problem. we don't know all the ins and outs of his use (and I don't know if I want to know) but he has a problem.  we know marijuana is one he uses... a lot.

He lies constantly. to us,  to others, to himself, to God... so much so that we can no longer believe a thing he says. Not sure if this is the drugs or the brain injury...or a combination of the two...  but it causes such grief.

He lives with depression and treats it with the drugs as far as we know along with ignoring it...

He is (and possibly still is - see above issue) in an abusive relationship with a girl. She mentally, emotionally and psychologically abuses him. we have seen her physically abuse him also. she is a  manipulator and very conniving. she can turn the table on someone so fast that they don't even know it. this girl we took in as our family, we loved her -- until she turned a knife on Sam one night and then herself -- and blamed it all on him. she has punched him and slapped him as well. Unfortunately, sam thinks he is helping her. He thinks she needs him. We have been told many stories about her and it worries us so much. she is slowly turning our sam away from us. I pray he sees this and her manipulative ways before things get way worse.

He can't seem to keep track of money (probably because a good portion of it goes to drugs or who knows where).

He has some medical issues that need to be looked after properly (not just partially).

He has lost his license many times and the latest is he has had his car impounded for 60days and has to pay a large amount of money to get his license back.

there is so many more things to say but I can't.  my heart breaks, my eyes cry, my brain spins.... and then I do it again.

I get so frustrated with all the time we spent after his accident trying to get help nothing physically but also mentally - so that he could learn to deal with his new normal... and NO ONE would help.  Now we are left with a man who can not deal with his depression, his brain injury or his abuse. He has never been taught... other than what we could try to help him with - which apparently wasn't enough.

I get so frustrated too that we FOUGHT so hard to get him to where the doctors were even amazed and this is how he is going to live his life.

He is spiralling down so much right now that we can only pray that it is the beginning of the bottom of the barrel...
but we have thought we were heading there so may times before it is heart breaking to get our hopes openly to have him keep digging that damn hole. he is caught in that vicious cycle of addiction and add the abuse to it...


This week I am going to be trying to see what we can do to get help for us. I will talk to the Brain injury association of Canada and see if they can point me in a direction of help (brain injuries and addiction is handled a bit differently than 'just addiction' I believe.) and if there is nothing on that path then I will call Teen and Adult Challenge and see if they can get me help. Along with prayer and faith that He knows how this story will end - because nothing NOTHING surprises God. I can't fix sam or his issues, but we can fix how we will react to him and everything he is going through - so we will do what WE can let God do the rest...

easier said than done...


I read somewhere that if your addict likes you, you are just an enabler.



so we need to stop.
that is just as hard to write as it is to say ...


... and even harder to do...

Land of confusion...

 DO you remember the hit song by Genesis in the 80's "Land of Confusion"?
 Maybe I am just a weird 80's chick that remembers far to many things from that time ... and I should just forget them!
I ask because that is how I feel these days. I haven't updated on my health issue from January, because I am so freakin confused right now about it all.
 I went to a neurosurgeon in February as planned and he said "I don't know what else I can tell you, except that you probably DON'T have a brain aneurysm BUT I should see you again in about 2 years for an MRI. IF you do happen to have an aneurysm, I feel it is so small that there is no chance  of it bursting. So go live your life." 
Ok I get the go live your life. I would totally get  the we will check again in 2 years, if he had actually checked on his time and not just rely on the original CT scans (which he claimed was probably not done right to begin with...ummmm ok?) But to DO NOTHING to even try to help elevate my stress or my emotions, like maybe schedule the MRI or at the very least another CT scan!
But what really got me was my husbands acceptance of this (essentially a stranger) doctor, to look at my CTs he felt were either wrong or not read right, and to take all that he said as 'good to go'. That was a slap in the face.  I just can't get past that for almost a year I had CLEAR CT's and then all of a sudden there is something there, but not worth to double check or even worry about it. I know there is nothing that they can really do about it but to be just written off....leave you feeling kind of lost and worthless. THEN I go to MY doctor about a separate issue and she (who knows that this neurosurgeon said and basically said to me "well, he is the specialist") keeps talking to me about 'my aneurysm is so small so not to worry about it.' So my question is: DO I or DON'T I!? talk about confusion! No one wants to give me ONE answer and stick with it!  Do I get a medic-alert bracelet?Do I wait and let me be out and about one day and it DOES decide to grow and burst and no one knows why and I die!? Or do I go against the doctor's 'assessment' and get one just in case!? My hubby doesn't seem to understand the emotions that I am going through with this. He (for some odd reason -- odd as he never trusted doctors diagnosis' without some serious questions asked and a complete analysis in his own head over things. He usually would question and ask for further tests, etc. but not this time.... am I over reacting!?

I started seeing an acupuncturist shortly after and while he has done some great work with alleviating the headaches/migraines, I do still have issue with headaches and sudden pains in my head. But I can live with them (and I guess I have to as no one wants to listen to me anyway! :|) He is also helping me with my depression and anxiety, but again in small amounts.

My depression is always with me. Kind of like that commercial where a black cloud is following a woman. I struggle with it daily... somedays its is hourly or even each minute. I feel like I can get through the moment and then all of a sudden... I wish I could just go home to my Lord. I get so tired of fighting the cloud. Somedays it is like it is trying to suffocate me. I wake up disappointed most mornings to still be here. I realize that my emotions are probably tied in with my 'non-diagnosis' ... but what to do with the feelings... I have no idea.

I am not sure if anyone reads still but while I am thinking of it. Prayer for our Sammi would be awesome! He is so lost in the world. He is making crazy decisions, smoking not only cigarettes but weed and I am sure he is into more than that and he is drinking. He gets depressed and when he gets like that it scares the heck outta me, because I know what it is like to get to that point that he gets too sometimes.I pray and I try to always kept handing all my fears and worries back to Him and let God look after things, but I am human and things will creep back into my head ... But Sammi seems so lost and where he is finding 'himself' and 'acceptance' are not places where it is true or lasting. He allows himself to be lead astray but people who don't truly care about him -- which leaves those of us who DO love and care for him standing in a spot where we are hurt and trying to understand. I am scared of what will be the next thing he does or tries to try to find acceptance. I am scared of getting a phone call that he is hurt, in jail or worse. Sam is so much like my daddy that it truly scares the crap out of me. He is always there for everyone else, expects nothing from them and all at the expense of his health, bank acct., or life! Please pray for Sam if you remember! Thank you!

Well that is all for this update. I am daily doing battle with that darn black cloud and wish I could talk to someone about it but anyone I have tried to talk to about it brush it off, say 'oh i get down too sometimes', 'what do you have to be depressed about?!' , blah blah blah.... if only i could just open my head and let someone see what is happening in there physically AND mentally....if only....

Prayers NEEDED!

Please pray for our Sam today as he is struggling .... majorly .... big time struggling with life!

He has had a very rough learning curve week and that has seemed to really mess with his head. We had a good day this week working with him on the farm (even after a serious issue arose just the night before) and then this morning I asked for him to please leave his phone alone until 8 -- just as Isaac and Hannah have to leave their ipod alone until this time too (explaining yet again how it is not fair and confusing for them when he sits around texting doing nothing... {and he should be getting ready to start his day with us on the farm) and they are busy getting ready for their day.) The rule of no iPods/iphones in the bedrooms still applies to all kids no matter their age and living in our home.

He replied 'ya' and as we continued on with our morning, he took the phone to his room (in the basement) and we tried to talk to him again... and we were met with He is moving out then.  (we think he is having a serious braininjury moment right now where his brain is telling him that the sky is green, the grass is blue and up is down and down is up....)

Now, we have been working with him to get him moved out to one of our farm homes for the first of May  ....  this is about 20 days away. He will only have to pay utilities and we are helping to get the house ready for him, giving him furniture, a car, etc. I have told him to make a list of groceries he thinks he will need to get started with and I will go shopping with him and pay for the groceries ...

His attitude this morning is he is tired of living here and wants out.

The earlier issue that happened this week will be a big obstacle once he does move out -- and I have tried to point out the good reasoning to moving into town (closer to work -- 10 mins so less $$ for gas), less time spent driving when he is tired and fatiguing, closer to activities that he enjoys, no worries to bad weather and driving.... etc etc.

I feel like he has a 'friend' and his mom working on his head. They have asked him to move in with them a few times he says, yet then in the next breath he tells us how they are really struggling financially. He says she will drive him to work (even farther then what he will drive if he lives in the other house -- and we pointed out that that would be a 4X gas bill for him... at possibly $1.30/L) I dont see why another parent would step in with these kinds of offers when they KNOW what we are doing already for him and then I question what has HE been telling them about here that would cause them to make the offer. (and not possibly ask us about it ....) I am at my witts end... I am sick with a cold or chest infection, I am tired, I am mentally exhausted and I am in desperate need of a good crying jag....

Please pray for Sam today. I am struggling to not sit and worry and cry and worry and cry some more. I am trying very hard to hand this to God and let Him do what He does... but then my mama brain kicks in and ... well, you know what happens.

me? who.... whhhhaa?

Do you ever get that feeling like you should maybe take the kids to the doctor but you KNOW that as soon as you do they will be perfectly fine and you will be left looking like one of those mothers that has Munchausen by proxy!?  Some days (ok a lot of the time) I feel like this.... especially with Sam.
This morning as I was taking the kids to school he tells me that as they were going to visit my dad last night before air cadets, that when they walked in the PCH his vision went goofy on him. He had no peripheral vison (when the accident happened Samuel lost all peripheral vision in his left eye and we were told that he would have only about 50% of it when he was recovered--  but he not only gained it ALL back but his vision was improved to the point of not wearing his glasses anymore!). So his dad told him to sit down til it past. Not too sure how long this was for (they got home after 10pm and dennis was up late this morning and didnt get the chance to share the story yet). I asked if he hit his head at all or if anything happened at school that could account for this and sam said 'no'... My first reaction was a racing heart and stomach dropping and my mind raced that i should get him in to see the Dr. today... then I took a deep breath and told him that we need to remember to tell the Dr. of this at our next appt (in about 2 weeks). So I have made a note on Alice (my iPod) to be sure to let the doctor know about it (and i will interogate my husband tonight and get more of the story).
This upcoming Monday is our first visit to the TBI group support meeting in Brandon. To be honest I am nervous. I am scared that it will create an anxiety in Sam, or he will find things that others say there and use them to 'play us' (cuz lets be honest and not forget-- he is a teenager!☺) or that things that people will say may scare him and give him cause to worry. I have been praying for Sam and has really noticed changes in him. He is resting more, he is more open to talking to me about how things are going in his day and in his head (for the most part). I still havent spoken to the school yet (I have been away for 2 field trips inbetween having some lovely stomach bug... and Josh had the bug...)  So Monday morning I will call and speak to the Vice Principal and talk with her. Mostly just to check in that things are going as sam says they are for him at school.
I have been trying to get more awareness our there too about TBI. There is a serious lack of support and counselling for not only the survivor  but for the family too -- well in our area at least. (this group that we are going to with Sam is more for adults but we are taking him anyway since the last time we were there -- for my dad-- there was a young girl there with a TBI.)
Again I seem to be scattered with my brain and my thots ... will I ever be able to string together a logical post again? I sometimes kid Sam that I have a TBI too from being so close with him... ☺

Long time no update

I know I know it has been a loooooong while since I have posted on here. Please dont think it is for lack of info to share... more like lack of energy or gumption to put it on. And sadly the reason is because I am tired of explaining to people that these issues are partly due to being a teen and partly to having a TBI. I am tired of people saying "oh that is just normal teen behaviour" or "all teens go thru this". I just want to scream and smack them! Then this past weekend we were at a family dinner and 2 family members were trying to put alot of the crap that was going on with ALL the kids on Sam. I do know that he is not perfect but with a TBI when there is energy and hyperactivity it can feed Sam's responses to things... so I tried  be polite and just made the observation that "it is all the kids that are 'feeding' off of each other and thier attitudes" the reply I got was"ya but it is so much easier to blame it on Sam... right Hannah." I mean seriously!!! WTF!?! It was a good thing that I was in a seperate room when that comment was made or I may be typing this from a cell.

I have been working on getting off of the pariet pills (for my GERD) and am now on day 2 of no pills and week 2 of no coffee (real coffee I mean-- de-caf is in my morning routine) and a pile of other foods that are out of my diet. (it seems that tea will be out of it too after this cup I just had-- major burning going on right now!) So with all this detoxing going on in my system it is no wonder I got sick on Friday with a lovely chest cold that is moving into my sinuses. I have been on the couch for almost 4 days straight, sleeping and resting, folding a bit of laundry and a bit of houseowrk here and there.... and slowly getting WORSE! Wednesday we are off to Wpg to take Sam in for another neurologist appt. We have to inform the doc. that Sam is back to a 4 day week and there was a huge improvement in him once we changed back to this.  SO we will see what he says about it all. And to really make it a memorable trip, we are driving in and out in one day! I was hoping to get a room at the Ron. MacDon. house but there is no room, so Sam will be in fine form by about noon. (it is a 3 hour drive each way) and we try to make use of the time and do some shopping at Costco anad Value Village while we are in the city... There will be lots of prayers sent up for our trip!

This week is exam week for the highschool and the boys write one today and one tomorrow. And trying to get Sam to remember things again (like books to study with or review sheets) has been a HUGE battle for Dennis and I. There was a blow up last night about math studying and routine and trying to get him (Sam) to understand that this is important for him to remember-- SO USE THE iPOD!!! Cross your fingers for a better semester next term.

I just cant seem to get my thots down on here straight, there is so much to say and nothing really. It all sounds so trivial and to be honest I couldnt handle another 'just a teen thing' from anyone. I honestly had expected us to be in a different place with all of this by this time, not crying daily about something Sam has done or said to me, or something someone else has said to me about it.January was not a great month, so maybe February will be better.