Monday, January 24, 2011


 I have decided to  go about a lot of stress areas in our home from a different angle.
In regards to Thursday nights with dad --
~ I will be going to a zumba class each evening for the next 6 weeks before I go to visit him. I am hoping this will put me in a better/healthier frame of mind.
~I have asked Joshua that once he has his license (he goes for it on Feb 4  and we are all praying that he gets it!) that he will take time when he has the car to stop in and visit. I am hoping this will take the stress of me being there every week and I will not be his only visitor.
~ I will be praying before going in that dad is in a positive frame of mind and that I will not take his indifference to me as an insult or take it personally.

In regards to Sam and his issues --
~ We are giving him more responsibilities for his future in hope he will start to take ownership of it.
~ We are praying for his emotional healing and the ability to hopefully 'catch up' to other kids in his grade -- when it comes to emotional health, social health and overall well being.
~ We are having him make a more pro active stand on his future education. He needs to choose his courses and his extra curricular activities and deal with the consequences of late nights, missed school work, football etc. in his planning of things.

With everything else that is going on in our home ... I am just giving it all to God. I am at a place right now where I am under too much stress and I am in constant pain and irritation with my stomach. I need to focus on my health for now and let some things (that aren't within my control) go... so this

God, they are your troubles now. I am giving them all to You and I am letting go. Thank You for that!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Thursday nights

On Thursday nights I usually go to my dad's to sit and watch t.v. and have coffee/tea and visit with him.
Dennis comes sometimes but our schedule has now changed and it is harder for him to come with me and I miss it.
Dennis is a buffer between me and my dad.
I hate saying that.
But Dennis is the padding that keeps me from falling apart when my dad doesn't know me
or when he scowls
or when he tries to bite
And the last few weeks I have gone on my own
And dad hasn't known me...
This morning I had a call from the PCH and they needed to send him to the hospital for a Dilantin test because he has been seizuring/tremoring a lot more than usual. I hope to be able to talk to someone about the results of that testing tomorrow. But with everything else that is happening in our lives sometimes visiting with dad is incredibly hard.
And then the guilt...
if I were a good daughter I would go and be happy and smile
if I were a good daughter I wouldn't feel like crying whenever he looks at me
if I were a good daughter I would be able to handle all the issues that keep popping up
if I were a good daughter
I wouldn't want to stay home on Thursdays

That was part of my day today...

Yesterday was this... 

Speaking with a Child/Adolescent Mental Health worker and then trying to make sense of our
conversation today...
and to figure out how to share this information with the school so we can get Sam's classes for the next 2.5 years sorted out. Trying to figure out how to get the school to understand what a brain injury is and where we are at in the survival end of it all...
The worker has sent our file to Mental Health so that we can individually and possibly collectively work on the trauma our family had/has experienced. A bit late I think but then better late than never?
She made a comment to me about the things I told her and she said "you are an amazing woman! You are doing so well with it all and with everything you have had thrown at you..." she kept going on about 'how amazing' I was and I wanted to yell at her to stop! I am not amazing. I am barely keeping it all together most days. I am no amazing, I need a buffer for when I visit my dad! I cry at the stupidest things, I look at myself and wonder what the heck am I doing!?

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I miss my friend...

Tonight Hannah and I went to see dad and when we got there it was happy hour. So we stayed and visited with day in the common rec room.
He drank his beer.
I talked he mumbled...
Then I started to sing along with the music that was playing -- Crystal Gale, Kenny Rogers, Don Williams and dad was singing with me!
So I started to dance with him... I held his hands and had my feet on either side of his footrest on the wheelchair and I moved him back and forth....
I can't even honestly remember the last time my dad and I sang. The last time we danced was most likely my wedding in '93.
Singing with dad took me back in time...
I was 10 sitting cross legged on the 'dog house' of one of the cab over trucks he was driving.
We were driving into the dark black night
We were singing to all the 'classics" (well they are classics now...)
I could almost smell the semi, the gas...
I could hear my dad singing...
The engine roaring beneath my bum on the 'dog house'...
I wanted to cry.
Since dad's accident (going on 15 years) I haven't had a lot of really close moments like that since most of the time he doesn't know me...
But for about 10minutes tonight I did...
Then just as fast as he was there...
he was gone again...
Then the glaring looks started, and the mumbling, and then the final grunt and nothing...
Hannah and I went back to his room shortly after and just waited out our time...
The aides brought dad back to his room and got him into bed and I thot maybe then he would return
but no
just the looks and now silence
so I continued to chirp away and talk with him
but inside I was crying.
With everything that has happened in the last 2 years I just wanted to talk to him
my old friend
my daddy
The drive home was quiet with the kids and I drove in silence trying so hard to not burst into tears.
I feel like I am 6 now and just want to yell
But I don't.
I won't.
I can'.t
All I do is smile and get on with life...
What is anyone going to do?


There is nothing anyone can do...
Or anything they can say...
So why bother saying anything...

And all the while Albert (the ulcer issue) is singing and dancing in my least someone is happy

Monday, January 10, 2011

ahh me nerves!!

I have just put the finishing bit on my 'bloggin' for Lash &Associates and I am nervous as all get out!
What if it isnt what they want?!
What if people think I am talking non-sense?!
What if NO ONE reads it!?
Well that last one I dont think will bother me too much because really who but me and a few people read my blather!? ☺

The last week has been just 'peachy' with Samuel. he has been going either a mile a minute or beating the heck outta someone ... and the language... sigh... we are now trying a new tactic. Swearing will result in loss of telephone privileges .. so we will see if that helps.
Honestly this whole 'relationship' thing with him is stressing him to no end. He just isn't ready for one I don't think. But how do you tell a teen that they can't!? Especially when we live 30miles from the school. We can take away phone and computer privileges but how do we control what happens at school during 8.30am-3.30pm? We have talked til we are blue in the face (and you would think that THAT alone would cause him to think things thru ...)
I know that this is normal for teens and blah blah blah but there is a difference. I am not going to go into details but when your child is stressed AND losing weight, not sleeping, mood swings that effect the entire house... its not good. I can hear some people saying "oh is THAT all!? that is just normal teen stuff" but TRUST ME on this one... there is more to it.
I was hoping to get started on some 'me things' in this new year ... and I know it is not even 2 weeks in) but so far I have been too stressed to really concentrate on it the way I was hoping. I can't seem to get my head into the right frame to even figure out seemingly simple creative issues (I have been trying to work on a watermark for my photos and a logo-- and how to put them on my photos)
but I am
I need to get Sam into a better place first... but then I think if I keep putting my interests on hold will there be any interests there when I finally get the time!? Don't I need time for me to recharge so I can help all of the house better!?
I have to admit (and I feel like a real horrible daughter to say this) but the last 2 visits with my dad have been STRESSFUL for me and I have been glad to go home... I just want to be able to sit and cry on my dad's shoulder about everything that has happened in the last 2 years but I can't. He was who I used to tell everything to! And with it being Christmas my memories were filled with our last Christmas together and how excited he was to see and hold Sam. I couldn't pull myself out of that funk this year.
Maybe it IS more me right now but I can honestly say that I am feeling tired of being strong and being the one that helps everyone else out of their issues.
I think ...
it may be time to head back to counseling...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year ... New Challenges

for me this time!! I am going to be a writer blogger for Lash Publishing and Associates! I had gotten some  pamphlets from the conference in Dauphin back in May and had looked them up and found that they had blog postings and stuff on thier site... so I emailed and asked if I could get put on the list...and lo and behold if they didn't get back to me and ask if I would like to write a 'blurb' sharing our story every month or so!
Sooooooooo... as of today it was official and I was 'welcomed aboard' to the Lash & Assoc. family!
This means that I will just be submitting a blog like article once or twice a month. I am quite excited to do this for a few reasons. One being maybe I can help someone else who is a caregiver to a survivor (I have experience with a few different levels of TBI), two it MAY just bring a bit more public awareness out about brain injury and three it may bring more traffic to my blog here that may help in both the first and second reasons!
I am also going to be working on doing more with my photography this year. Try to focus on something for me this yea and not so much revolving around everyone else. In the past few years I have really felt lost and not myself and it is time to get back to finding me and who I am before I am totally gone! So here is to the New Year and all the new and wondrous challenges that are ahead of all of us! Maybe once I am focusing on me a bit more I can see more of what is happening with Sam, Dennis and my dad!

Happy New Year!!!