Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Yes, my men of the house are hunting-- muzzle loading. I am not having a good time with this. I know that they will be with Dad, but it still makes my stomach flip flop and nauseous. Also, on Sunday the .22 came home, i was unaware of this and when i picked up the gun (just not thinking) i walked to the house and loked down and saw what i was holding. It hadnt been cleaned... my heart dropped and i literally thought i was going to throw up OR pass out. When i got into the house (I was trying to not too make a scene since kids were around...) i feel against the wall and started to shake. I dont want it in the house. It is just makes me cry... then Dennis, Josh and Sam headed out last night after school to go hunting...it was a very long few hours til they came back...too long for my liking.
Sam didnt go out today because of the rain and he is tired from starting full days at school yesterday.(I am very happy about this!)
Yes Sam started full says yesterday and it so far is going well. He was in bed early last night and I am going to take a wild guess on this one and I bet he will be there each night this week until he gets into the groove of it all.

Our trip to Toronto was fabulous! We relaxed even tho we were on the run all the time! We had a great time visiting with family in Paris on Thanksgiving, and we had an awesome time with friends in Cobourg, Uxbridge and Toronto! It was just what we needed.
The kids and Grandma all fared fairly well, with the exception that kids are mean. Josh has been having some trouble with bullies at school. One kid in particular decided to take it upon himself last week to talk to Josh about "going home and shooting his brother in the head"... This child is not working alone tho, which makes me worry about what else has been said to him that Josh is not telling us. As it was Josh and this boy got into a fight (the boy hit Josh and according to Josh's friend Josh cocked his arm back to pound the kid and didnt. He just dropped his arm and said that the kid wasnt worth it!) I was proud of him for not giving into the (I will use this word 'tongue in cheek') pleasure of beating this kid up! But like i said, it makes me wonder what else has been said to him and what other weights of the world are on his shoulders?! He is not a talker and wont say if there has been other instances of smart-alec remarks. The incident was dealt with at the school and by the school (since we were away) and I felt that they handled it great...i just hope that this kids' parents are aware of how the thoughtless words had affected not only Josh but his friends (that are tired of the "Crap that keeps being said to Josh" direct quote) It also makes me wonder if Sam has had to deal with any of it. He used to tell me everything but these days he tends to be a bit more subdued about things, like he is trying hard to not tell me things in order to protect me or not stress me out.
It is now time to come back from our holiday and back to reality... I am homesick for ONT and would love to pack up ad move to there or anywhere that people dont know the summer we have had and my kids could go back to being regular teens... if only...

Friday, October 10, 2008

today is the day...

I am picking up the kids are noon and taking them out to Dennis' parents so we can leave for Wpg when Dennis is done work. We are flying out to Toronto tomorrow morning and will arrive in TO at 9.17am. I am a bit excited at this point but more apprehensive.. I am worried about leaving the kids... mostly Sam and Hannah. Sam still has so far to go with things and Hannah is just my baby-- she stayed up til almost 10 last night with me snuggling and crying- it broke my heart.
I had a meeting with the school yesterday about Sam and I was told not to worry about things that he will pass grade 8 (they are going to concentrate on his core subjects). So apparently i have to stop stressing about it. I was again reminded of how far he has come and where we THOUGHT he was going to be. So note to self-- "relax and try to enjoy this trip! Sam will be fine. Grandma is looking after him and she will be fine too with him!" (this will be my mantra all day today and tomorrow and for the rest of our trip)

Monday, October 6, 2008

Everybody wants to go to heaven...

Preacher told me last Sunday mornin`
Son, you better start livin` right
You need to quit the women and whiskey
And carrying on all night

Don`t you wanna hear him call your name
When you`re standin` at the pearly gates
I told the preacher, "Yes I do"
But I hope they don`t call today
I ain`t ready

Everybody wants to go to heaven
Have a mansion high above the clouds
Everybody want to go to heaven
But nobody want to go now

Said preacher maybe you didn`t see me
Throw an extra twenty in the plate
There`s one for everything I did last night
And one to get me through today
Here`s a ten to help you remember
Next time you got the good Lord`s ear
Say I`m comin` but there ain`t no hurry
I`m havin` fun down here
Don`t you know that

Everybody wants to go to heaven
Get their wings and fly around
Everybody want to go to heaven
But nobody want to go now

Someday I want to see those streets of gold in my halo
But I wouldn`t mind waitin` at least a hundred years or so

Everybody wanna go to heaven
It beats the other place there ain`t no doubt
Everybody wanna go to heaven
But nobody wanna go now

Everybody wanna go to heaven
Hallelujah, let me hear you shout
Everybody wanna go to heaven
But nobody wanna go now
I think I speak for the crowd

Sam was telling Dennis the other day about an assignment they are doing in LA (Language Arts) and they have to choose a song and write about it. Sam has chosen this song by Kenny Chesney. He said that it was first out when he was in the hospital and that was the way he felt: he wants to get to heaven-- just not now! Dennis said he was so serious about it. Sam has definitely changed in his attitude towards his beliefs, he has had such a life altering experience and he seems to have given all that could have been a great deal of thought. He used to tell us he was a believer but now there is a difference in his tone and his attitude when he talks about it. He feels it more now i think.

Last night Dennis and I were talking about Sam and everything that is going on now. It suddenly struck me that his accident was just over 2 months ago! Time has gone so slow for me that I feel like years have gone by when in reality 8 weeks ago we were in PICU with our boy, not knowing where we were going or what we were doing-- just praying! And God answered those prayers and so many more than we can even imagine! We laugh at the prayers that we never thought to ask and that were answered for us! Everyday i am amazed by Sam and what God has done for him and our family, everyday i thank Him for allowing Sam to stay with us, but at the same time the whole ordeal seems so surreal to me... when I look at Samuel it is so hard to believe that this young man was laying on a stretcher, covered in blood, telling me that he hurt his head. That Dennis and I rushed to Wpg to learn from the surgeons what to expect and what was the probable outcome for our son and family. That he was in the PICU and looked so incredibly small and fragile with all the tubes and monitors hooked to him--being able to look at him but not hold my boy... even writing it, it seems unbelievable-- then i look at Sam and where he is now!

But in with saying all this we may be now entering the PTSD part of our family's journey thru this. Samuel seems to be showing signs of Post Traumtaic Stress Disorder. Which is normal with TBI survivors. I cant explain it all but lets just say that there are signs and here are a few of his : Irritability or crankiness, Changes in performance at school, Lack of interest in favorite activities, Tiredness or listlessness, Light-headedness, dizziness... there are MANY symptoms and just when i thought i was done with researching things-- i have new one, just when we thought we were able to settle somewhat into a routine... To say the least things get a tad bit "stressed" here with the new development.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all things acknowledge him, and he shall direct your way. [Proverbs 3:5, 6]” has always been a powerful scripture for me... but it is even more so now. I will lean on the Lord and He will take us through this journey

Saturday, October 4, 2008

just small reminders

It has just been over 2 months--2 MONTHS!!!!--since Sam's accident and I have found that we are all leaning more towards the "forgetfulness" that it happened as life goes on. But then there are those moments that are a knee jerk back into reality about it all. There have been quite a few of those this week.
Sam's temper can flair up so fast.. faster than it ever did and he can get very hurtful with his words and attitude. He and I have been butting heads alot these last few days and I am finding it so tiring both mentally and physically! I tend to want to fly off the handle too when he gets like that but then i remember what has happened and try to keep my cool and handle it in a mature and reasonable fashion... but it is so hard and discouraging when it happens over and over again! I know that people (or teens) lash out and that we all have our moments of flaring temper, but it seems like i get the brunt of Sam's flare ups. I will admit there have been a few times I am sure I could have handled it better ...and i am trying to prepare myself for future episodes... but i am tired and i will admit-- i am human.
This is one of those things that most people dont see or understand when they look at Sam OR Dennis and I.They see the physical outside of him and think he is great! and Forget that there is 3 fragments to a bullet and multiple skull fragments in his brain that will be forever lodged there! They are going to create some sort of change in him. I must admit it is hard, but I do know that it will get better with time. HE needs to learn how to control these out bursts-- but how can i get him to do that when no one else really seems to see that side of him? Someone told me this week that i am so close to the situation that I may not see it all in perspective... I agree with that but on the other hand it is because i am so close to this situation that I see what others don't see and may NEVER see if I can help him to relearn this... I dont want this behaviour to be another "new norm" in our life, if there is a way to help him to overcome it.
I am trying so hard not to be one of those over protective fantical mom's with him, monitoring his every movement. I am trying to give him the space and freedom he needs to gain back some independence but there are days when i find that i spend most of my 60,000 words a day saying "Sam, you need to think that one thru..." "Sam, should you be up there...""Sam, you are almost 13..." "Sam, Sam, Sam, SAM!!!!!!"

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

no catchy title today...

This week has been interesting for many reasons!
First, the school division and myself have been looking for a tutor for Samuel for the afternoons and we have come up empty handed. I dont blame anyone, who wants a part time job for only 3-4 weeks!? We just need a tutor for afternoons so that Samuel can keep up his mental processes (building up endurance still) so that he will not be as tired when he starts full time. So i guess I will be his tutor for the next week and a half and while we are in Ont. he will be at home with grandma doing-- whatever. He has been doing great in school so far and i am so tempted to just have him go full time so that he (and the rest of us) can get into a regular routine-- but Dennis says to follow what the doctor said... Sam has started some testing and apparently is doing great in it! So there is no damage intellectually (which is a common myth with TBI) and I knew this from the start when he was moved to ward CK-5, but it needs to be verified with tests (so there is a base line to work from if needed in the future).
His moods are still all over the board-- well at least here at home with me. Not at all at school, or really much with Dennis. So maybe it is just me...

This week has been busy with getting things ready for winter:pickling, canning to be done, yard work to do, clean up garden and I am trying to get the house ready for our trip to Ontario. (washing blankets, pillows, sheets, etc) dusting where i dont usually, blah blah blah., butchering lambs for people and ourselves and all that fun stuff that is usually called life. Now I will add tutoring Samuel in the afternoons to my routine.

I was quite hoping to start back at work soon but that wont happen until he is in school full time and we (Dennis and I and the school) knows he can handle it. THings are tight here and I need to help with my wage. It stresses me out that I cant help, and I want to get back to normal.

Sometimes I think that everyone else in the house here is back into their normal routine (exempting Sam) and it is just me that is still stressing. I must say tho that Arnold (my ulcer) is starting to settle down. (Although, he does act up when i am in town and people stop me and ask me to explain about Sam or Dwayne. (hence the trip to Ont.)) I try to find time everyday for sitting and reading my Bible, but the phone rings or my day starts earlier than i expected it... how early does one need to get up to get some time to themselves!? I used to get up at 5-5.15am but the last few months i havent been able to sleep thru the night-- i wake up every time i roll over! So i have been 'sleeping in' til 6 and then Dennis is home still (cant read with him here) then when he leaves the kids keep popping in the bathroom. excuses i know. Maybe today will be the start of my new routine and i will get time for me and God and for me...