Tuesday, June 9, 2009

...

i have been trying for a few days to update here but cant seem to find the words to write. i feel like i am walking in a fog-- there is nothing wrong, everything is relatively well. i guess it is closer to saying feeling like i am waiting for the next shoe to drop.
i went for my gastroscopy-- apparently i have a hiatus hernia, and the med's i am on dont work for long -- if they work some days. so an operation (a nissen fundoplication) is proably the order of the day. i will see the specialist on June 17 (the week b4 i have to go to wpg for dental surgery... sigh)
My princess Hannah will be 10 tomorrow! She is so excited. i have arranged with friends to take 2 of her g/f and their moms to wpg and we are going to build-a-bear and to a mall to do some 'serious gurly time' with everyone. i hope to be in better spirits for tomorrow for my girl and for Saturday...
the last month there have been 2 young people die in our community, and i feel such sorrow for them, and to be honest, i feel guilt. Both boys were so young (18 and 13). they were both such tragic losses, for the family, their friends and the community. One was just a 'fluke' accident and one was not so much. I cant seem to shake the guilt. I know we are extremely blessed to have not only been through our ordeal but to be on the side of miraculous but why the guilt?
i cant explain the horrible ache in my stomach and the crying... why us? isnt that so selfish? why was my son spared and these boys werent? why do i feel so guilty that my son was shot in the head and survived and surpassed all expectations of the doctors? and both of these boys are gone now? i want to say that i know God was there with both boys, but if he could save mine ahy not them too? i want to be mad at Him for that, but i cant because He WAS there with Sam, He was with me and Dennis, He was with each of my children thru it all...
so i guess that would explain my fog maybe, maybe not... i think maybe i need to find someone to talk to about it all...or maybe do as my friend told me to do -- throw rocks at the barn... let out some frustration... i wonder if there are enough rocks on our farm?

5 comments:

Marianne said...

Jodi, its all part of grieving. You are still grieving over Sam's accident. Its completely okay to feel guilty but don't let it consume you. You are also getting used to the idea of not working. You may not think so but these are all emotions in the subconscious. They are completely normal!
God has a plan for everyone and we may not ever see it or understand it. Each person has thier own cross to bare (sp?) all we can do is be there to hold them up and encourage them. (((hugs)))
Let it go, don't try and own it.

Jennifer Mosher said...

Jodi-
Interesting thoughts. I've experienced a lot of anger, guilt, grieving and it's NOT AT ALL because I survived injuries which very well could have killed me, (I lived and others die) but because I have to live with an irritating brain injury. Life with Brain injury bugs me. It all balances out (the grieving). Everyone will have some struggle to deal with in their lifetime. And I believe God only gives us burdens that he knows we can handle. This means that "I" (and your husband, son?) will be able to handle a life with brain injury. Anyway, when I think of it like that, it puts me at ease.

JerriLynn said...

I totally get what you mean. God's word tells us that "tribulations produce perseverance and perseverance character and character hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us"Romans 5:3-5. We get the wonderful opportunity to share our hope with others who may not have any or with those whose hope is amiss. I know as you do that this too shall pass. Enjoy your princess day. What a precious gift. I am reminded of how little children are. when you give the a gift they get so excited and happy. They don't sigh and look downcast and say, "oh I don't really desrve any good thing" So why should we treat our heavenly father's gifts with any less enthusiasm.(I tell myself this quite regularly)love ya,JerriLynn

Heather from Ontario Canada said...

Jodi- I'm not real eloquent with words..never have been but I just wanted to send some cyber ((hugs))) your way.

I hope you have a wonderful day with the girls at the mall.

Sue said...

Some wise person told me a couple of months after my son's accident. Give yourself permission to grieve - to feel all the emotions that go with it as well. I, like you, feel bad that sometimes I get angry with the whole process even though I know things could be so much worst.

I send good thoughts your way -