ARGGGHHH!

Somedays I just want to scream! This morning I sat here and typed out my posting for today -- for a half an hour -- and it said it was saving and then it blipped and BAM! my posting was gone! Nothing in the editing area either...sigh... I just wanted to cry.

It was that it is once again Christmas Eve and once I again I am not of any Christmas spirit. Since Sam's accident things tend to get very stressful here. The noise and busy-ness of the world tend to make Sam irritable, not sleep and just plan grouchy...which makes life for not only me but the rest of the house grouchy and touchy...
With society putting more and more emphasis every year on the "holidays" and not the true meaning of Christmas -- Christ's ultimate gift of Life -- we struggle to  help our kids to fully understand this. And it makes things more difficult for Sam who struggles with things anyway.
This year we are doing things a little different and the kids drew names and they are to make a gift of the heart for the name they drew -- make something, give thier time for something for someone else, etc.  They seem to have had fun with this. we also are not focusing on presents-- but on Christ's gift to the world, spending time together as a family and relaxing. So no big turkey (as we had stopped doing that years ago) pizza and pj's instead! I hope it helps to get Sam back into a right frame of mind --- and me too!
We received a letter last week from Winnipeg on another psych eval for Sam. It was just to let us know that they will be contacting us in the near future for an appt... so wait, wait, wait.
Joshua also has been to the doctors of late -- he has been having troubles with shakiness in his hands. He went for blood work last week and we are waiting for those results. If they are clear we will be going to a neurologist for testing -- but something the doctor asked Josh is if there was any stress issues he is dealing with. The last 2 years Josh has started a nervous habit of shaking his hand or his foot --ever since July29/08.
when I arrived at the hospital Joshua told me what he saw happen: He turned to see Sam lift the gun up to shoot, he saw Sam get hit in the head with the scope and then fall over... "and then there was so much blood mom" (I will NEVER forget those words or the look on my son's face) Josh had seen Sam get shot but now does not remember it. We have spoken to him about it (what he saw), what he was thinking, we have had them both walk us thru the day up until that moment and never once does he repeat the story he told me at the hospital. Now he says he turned and saw Sam laying on the ground...he doesnt even remeber hearing the gun go off. we have asked if he and Sam were gooffing around, if they wre fighting, if he made promises to God ... his memory of that day is good until the point where Sam got shot...
So we will be looking in the New Year for someone to help Josh too because we wonder if he has (which would be NO surprise) unresolved issues or something.

I am not complaining here or whining (I hope it isnt going to come across as that anyway!) but just when a person would think that things are starting to get to where it isnt a "big" thing anymore... BAM! I am still struggling with what to say to people when they ask how we are doing, because for the most part all they really want to hear anyway is that we are "fine" so it is easier to tell them that. If I tell them more I get "oh typical teen behaviour" BS that makes me want to smack someone! (I seriously wonder what people say to cancer patient parents when they  talk about their children and their issues with them... are they as cold and callous?  Do they comment that 'oh don't worry! this too shall pass?' or 'oh don't worry they will grow out of it'.... sigh
I have had people ask me how they can pray for my family and I have finally found the answer!
Please pray for psychological healing for us all, for help to be found that will aid in this healing and for people to be more understanding to our situation and not be so lackadaisical in their comments or responses towards us.

Merry Christmas everyone....