Still fresh

the other night we all sat around watching NCIS and it was in the final 15 seconds of the show. (please forgive me for not remembering the name of characters -- we were/are just starting to watch this show)
Mark Harmon (the 'head' dude) just finishes telling the female character (Kate I think her name was) that her job of protecting him is over (after she just took a bullet for him in the chest-- but was wearing a vest) ....





even in typing this my heart is pounding and i am tearing up...

all of a sudden she is shot in the head

i was so shocked at it that I covered my eyes and started crying,

uncontrollably, sobbing

like i had a vested interest in the show from watching it for months

like it wasnt a show at all but real life

I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach

my head was swimming

my kids quietly filed upstairs as Dennis hugged me

Sam sat there and watched me cry (which I learned when I finally moved)

my family knows that I am not one to watch shows with killing and shooting in it (minus the old John Wayne movies) and especially after Sam's accident I will not watch certain movies. I can't -- even in knowing it is a movie and there is no real harm to anyone.

This was so totally out of the blue, such a shock.

I felt incredibly silly after and I still do,

but all I could think about was Sam and the whole scenario played in my head of the first 2-3 days.

Then I could not get the whole shooting on the show out of my head. I still can't...

We have been dealing with some stress again in our house due to teens and "relationships", Christmas is just over and the New Year, there is some other extended family stuff going on.... it might just have been too much for me.

I dont know, but it was just

too much

Not quite the way I was wanting to start 2012.