for the last 22 years I have dreaded the coming week.
it is the week before my daddy's accident...
then in 2008 at the beginning of this week was Sammi's accident and then the real dread kicks in.
the guilt...
the shame...
the anxiety...
when they say that a brain injury affects the entire family it is so true.
My dad being beaten up affected him, me, my aunts and uncle, my grandad, my kids...
Sam's accident affected Sammi, me, Dennis, Joshua, Isaac and Hannah, Dennis' parents...
While both were totally different types and outcomes for brain injuries, they both affected me so strongly and I can't think of too many days that have gone by where I haven't thought of either of them and what could have been.
As the last week of July comes around, the what ifs and the if only's are so loud in my head, and this year is no different than the last 22 and 10...
What if when Dad and I had spoken differently that last Saturday morning?
What if I had told him more to follow his heart and be honest to himself and to me?
What if when I got to the hospital I had said my goodbyes and let him go sooner?
What if I had fought harder and had him come to Manitoba so I could have gotten him different care?
Maybe he would have had a different outcome if I had have done this instead of that.
Maybe he would at least speak if I had fought harder for different medical help.
Maybe he would remember me if I had be there more when it had happened.
Maybe if we hadn't argued that last Saturday, he would remember me.
With Sam's accident it is:
What if I had told them to come home instead of another week at the farm?
What if I had fought harder with the medical system to get him the proper help when it came to his mental health?
Then these thoughts start:
If I had had them come home when they were supposed to:
- Joshua wouldn't have dealt with (and I think still does) the guilt of suggesting going target practicing that day.
- Isaac wouldn't have had so much anger towards me about the time I had to spend taking Samuel to appointments.
- Hannah wouldn't be so worried about everyone and trying to be the momma.
- Samuel wouldn't have gotten into marijuana for pain and I am sure escape.
- Samuel would have graduated with his friends, he would have been able to have a normal teenage life, he wouldn't have had the year of seizure drugs that messed with his head and his body.
- Isaac wouldn't have dealt with a lot of Sam's aggression.
- Each of our kids wouldn't have felt like I was abandoning each of them.
- Josh and Samuel would still be best friends.
- The kids wouldn't have all felt the need to look after and worry about Samuel
- Sam wouldn't feel like we treat him like a child.
- Our Sam wouldn't feel like we are trying to control him when we are just wanting to help.
I have never told anyone until the other day (when I asked for prayer from a few friends at church for this) what I deal with each year at this time - but to be honest I didn't go into great detail with them either yet -- sometimes I am too scared to share my thoughts with other incase they think I am crazy... lol .. go figure why eh?!)
Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of Sammi's "2nd birthday". I have had these weird things going on in my chest the last 4 days -- feels like a baby kicking in the middle of my chest. I cry at stupid things - songs, commercials, tv shows... nightmares... erratic eating... headaches...
So, this is where the healing to begins...
Then a friend sent me this verse yesterday and I had just read the verse this week {and Hannah always says, "If God feels you twice you had better listen!" and I agree}:
Ephesians 3:14-19 The Message (MSG)
14-19 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.
And then I saw this on Twitter:
So I am listening God...Starting now, I will look to all the blessings that we have encountered because of this journey; the friendships, the education, all the strangers to help, knowledge that I had that prepared me to help Sam when I could, to help Dennis when I could, to recognize the injuries and have understand and knowledge of them as each of our three other kids had concussions and we dealt with them.
There is so much for me to focus on and I pray that God will help to gently remind me to do just that... focus on Him, keep my eyes upward not backward.
I pray He will give me strength to hand it all to Him, if and when I stumble, I pray that it would be a sooner rather than later recognition of self piloting in these well chartered waters of trying to do it alone.I will cling to Jesus and His promise to never leave me or forsake me. I will lean in His arms and fully rely on Him and I don't want to forget that He is God and nothing surprises Him... nothing.
God is good, all the time...
