another casuality...

No... no one is hurt, not physically anyway, but its seems like we have lost a few friends since July 29th. I am not sure why this has happened (friends for a season perhaps) but for me it hurts (I cant speak for Dennis).

How is it that something that is traumatic to my family, has caused people who we considered close friends to drift away while other friends that we not have expected it from have become closer? Are they scared that they will be asked to do something? Do they not care about us as a family (and some friends were just like family)? Are they worried that our "bad happenings(or luck)" will some how transfer to them? Maybe they are just dont understand what goes in our house now? Could it be that they think we are making a big deal of it all? Maybe the thought is that we some how deserve this-- that Sam and Josh deserved this? Or that we are bad parents for letting him"play" with guns? Or maybe it is just that they think my children are bad influences for this to happen? I would really like to know...

In reality, this summer has been a HUGE change for our family and yes we have had to cut back on some activities (not to mention spending since I was not working) that we did so that we could let our son heal . Things like going out (Sam still cant be left alone and it STILL makes us nervous to leave him with Josh), visiting at others houses (Sam's social problems tend to shine when we are out-- so til we can get a system with him it is difficult to relax and enjoy time out!), but we can have people over, they could phone or email. Now please dont think I am so self centered as to think that other people dont have lives and their own stuff going on, we have tried to reach out to friends and have been met with awkward coffees, no answers to questions, or follow up to phone calls and if there is things going on in their lives ... no one will say (granted if they are trying to spare us any other "worries" isnt friendship a give and take: if you are down and out I am here for you not matter what i am going thru at the time... maybe its just me...

Yes we were busy with appointments and visits. Yes we were keeping our heads down for a bit, but with it all we still relied on friends to help keep us from drowning in it all. Maybe for some that is just too much responsibility. Maybe people dont want to talk about it and that is ok (I dont want to talk about it sometimes too!) It is not the center of my conversations, but if someone asks I will talk about it!

I am at a loss and it wouldn't matter what the reason, it still hurts. And if I have said or done anything to cause these feelings I personally would like to know so I can apologize and try to make things right, but if it is due to other reasons... I wish people would talk more about what they think and how they feel because being ignored is more painful then the truth i think. Maybe it is just me and I am too sensitive or read to much into stuff. Maybe I expect too much from a friend...I wish someone would tell me because it hurts....alot.