Monday, February 27, 2012

if i could turn back time

... somedays I wish I could turn back time, back to the summer of 2008.
I would have had the boys come home the day they were initially expected to and not agree to another week.
But I can’t so I have learned to keep moving forward.
This past week with Sam had been the perfect storm... he was not sleeping well, he forgot to take his meds TWICE on two separate mornings, he was not eating, he was argumentative and over feisty. We all saw this and the penny dropped a little too late. 
We were trying to talk to him yesterday and he said he was leaving. He packed a bag and left. No meds, no phone, no wallet, no plans on where he was going. He just left. He hugged us and even tho we told him that we wanted him to stay, that if he felt he had to go to please let us know where he was at. He agreed...
.... and he left
.... on a stormy, snowy, windy day
we watched him walk down the driveway, turn south and then disappear. we called my mom to see what direction he was going but not to call to him. Then Dennis got in the car and followed him from a distance. 
Sam walked for quite a few miles and then for whatever his reasons were he turned around, Dennis stopped the car and Sam got in. Dennis told him he loved him and Sam said “I know” and that was it. 
Sam came home, went straight to his room and crawled into bed.
The last year or so we have been focusing more on the epilepsy stuff as it was more ‘something we can try to fix’ and we let that sideline the TBI issues -- and it all came to a head yesterday.
Sam had the mother of all brain injury moments. The week before his brain was basically telling him that right was wrong and wrong was right. The brain would not turn the switch back either, no matter what we had said or did. His brain told him yesterday morning that no one cared about him and he was better off going... so he left.
I don’t know what we can do in these situations other than let him go and watch from a safe distance for him to realize his brain is lying to him. 
We explained it to Josh, Hannah and Isaac as if he had had a seizure but without the shaking. His brain rewired itself and he had to fight to get it straightened out. I told them that they know how they struggle with everyday issues and growing up -- well Sam does that too but he also has his brain fighting him AND he is on a lot of medicines for his epilepsy. It is work for him to get thru each day and none of us can even begin to know how he struggles to stay ‘normal’.
I am not sure if we handled it right or not. I do know that my heart broke as I watched him pack his bag, as he told me no one cares about him, how he cried as he left. I sobbed when he hugged me and told me goodbye and I held him tight -- then I let him go. I knew what was going on and I knew there was not a thing we could do for him but pray.... 
so I texted and called a few friends to pray for him and I sat and prayed 
His brain is working the way it should... for now. 
But it will happen again and again thru out his life. His brain will rewire itself and wrong will be right and right will be wrong. 
I just pray that we find the tools for him to use to do his own ‘rewiring’ before it gets to this point again. 

1 comment:

Marianne said...

*sigh* thats a tough one. I think you did the right thing. You let him go but you made sure he was safe. He will be stronger knowing deep down that you love him no matter how he responds. I also hear a little boy wishing he could turn back the clock too.