new hope

So Sam has been at the CATC (Children and Adolscent Treaattment Centre) for 5 days and was able to come home last night, for the weekend but he has to go back on Sunday evening. He has met with all the doctors and psychiatrists and counsellors. His days are busy, spent with one or more of the professionals, doing school in the afternoon, working on booklets to help deal with things and general socializing. He says he is getting a lot out of it, and i guess this weekend is a trial run.
If we have any issues or problems we can call the CATC and take him in -- I doubt that will be necessary. He seems much more relaxed and more of the Sam we had before his accident almost 4 years ago. But then while he is at the centre the stress of home and school and family is not there with him.
Dennis and I spoke with the other kids this week too while Sam was not here and we explained to them that we will all be going for counselling and that they need to be open and honest about their feelings toward us, Sam, each other, this situation. We had a good talk with them on Thursday night and I hope we were able to convey the importance of this... time will tell I guess.

Something we did talk about (that we never had before) was who felt that since Sam's accident they were missing out on things -- when it was all explained and pointed out about we were talking about they realized that no one had been missing out on things really. No more than anyone else in any household that runs on a budget... the kids all still got football, cadets, gymnastics, movie money, lunch money, meals out, new clothes, new music, ipods, etc. There has been a lot of 'poor me' going on with us all... and we just reminded the kids of all of these 'blessings' and how we need to focus on what we have and not what we dont. We also pointed out that Sam has to do this also -- he needs to focus on what he CAN do and not what we can't. We tried to get them to see a bit of the last year thru Sam's eyes and how the loss of his getting his license, not being able to go to friends houses, play hours of video games, being tired all the time, feeling drugged out, having trouble walking and talking and having to spend almost everyday with Dennis or I  -- is most definitely not a walk in the park. Basically, Sam gets 'special treatment' but it is not a treatment that any of them would want because it means that they lose out on everything else. It was amazing to see them start to realize what Sam's days are like and how if they had to spend as much time with us as Sam does ... that it would suck.
Even Isaac had a change of attitude once we spelled out how Sam spends his days at home and how his days are now at the CATC.

We got a phone call from the CATC on Thursday telling us that Sam's val proic med levels were high (they should be between 50-100) and he was up at 123.5 -- so they reduced one VP a night and the next day they tested and he was still 115. Dr. M (from the CATC) couldnt get a hold of Dr.A (epileptologist) as he was away for a few days and so we arent too sure what the plans are for things yet. Hoping Dr.A will say to reduce more VP -- crossing fingers that then Sam will be less tired and feeling sluggish, irritable, etc. (maybe we can get him off them altogether!!! .... wishful thinking .... )

For now our family is playing a waiting game on doctors and the centre and we are taking everything one day at a time...

this is the day...

so nervous about today and taking Sam to the Child and Adolescent Treatment Centre (CATC)
just want to sit and cry about it all even though i know it wont change a thing
or make anything better
just not wholly sure what all i am feeling about it besides nerves
too many things to think about and feel
maybe tomorrow i can think clearer
right now all i feel is tired and lost for my son
for me
for our family



maybe tomorrow...

Just a distraction

WOW...

W.
O.
W.

I am shocked at how fast the bracelets are leaving my house! I have mailed or given out ALL the bracelets that I have recieved from the MBIA(Manitoba Brain Injury Association)... again! SO I am hpoing they will order more as I have  MORE places that want them!

This campaign has been a good distraction for me. Something different to put my energy (when I have it) into. I have needed to do something for the past 4 years that is for me and I guess this is it.
It is for me in the regards that from my perspective, getting more awareness out about TBI will help someone family, wife, son, daughter, mother, someone, somewhere - if we can get BI more publicly recognized and not so "oh-there-is-nothing-wrong-everything-is-rainbows-and-skittles" kind of attitude that not only does NOT help the survivor OR the caregiving family -- but it makes it hard for other people to know how, when or where to help.
I am not saying I have all the answers but I am willing to put my neck out there and try a few things out to see if they work. I am wiling to be the one to make some changes or suggests some ideas.
I have been busy on FB and Twitter with asking for support - and the bracelets are FLYING from our house! (almost 1000 of them in 2 weeks!) I have been on the phone with professional sports teams, sports commentators, news stations, talking with friends, families of survivors, caregivers, SURVIVORS!
I put bracelets out (with a donation box) in 14businesses in and around our area. I have had to refill baskets a few times. The bracelets are FREE but if people wish to make a donation the money will go to the MBIA and hopefully we can use it to get better awareness out there and maybe work on a campaign for 2013!?

The distraction that I have needed these past few weeks is from Sam. Dont get me wrong I am NOT ignoring him or leaving him high and dry. He is always with me (never really far) but ALWAYS with me. He is having issues with this and so am I. We are together too much right now, but there is nowhere else for him to be. Family memebers dont really get it, it seems (and they all have their own worries) and Sam doesnt want to be with them ... catch .22 . We are still looking for help and we may have found it.
On Monday morning we are going to Brandon to the Child and Adolescent Treatment Centre. Sam says he wants to go and that is good because since he is 16, he has to admit himself. Usually they dont take brain injury patients but once I explained our situation and that with all the meds he is on we are struggling, they made an exception. SO hopefully he will go and stay and WORK with the staff. We have spoken to him about it - that is will not be a magical fix, it is going to behard work, that he has to TRY and not give up, that he and WE all need help. He says he agrees ... but in reality he always says that and then he takes 2-3 steps back.
Monoday will be hard. I know he needs to go and it will be a break for all of us and there will hopefully be the help that we desperately need... but still...
I am a mom, Sam's mom and I worry. What if they lose him  like the school did? What if he quits it all on us? What if this is our last resort - which is odd because in actuality there never was a first resort...?
I am preparing myself for this as much as we are preparing him. We have told Josh about it but not Isaac and Hannah so not to add more worry and stress on them, but also so that if Ike and Sam get into a fight before he goes Isaac cant 'get Sam's goat' by saying something that will make him not want to go to Brandon.

pray for us all please...