Sunday, June 5, 2016

Land of confusion...

 DO you remember the hit song by Genesis in the 80's "Land of Confusion"?
 Maybe I am just a weird 80's chick that remembers far to many things from that time ... and I should just forget them!
I ask because that is how I feel these days. I haven't updated on my health issue from January, because I am so freakin confused right now about it all.
 I went to a neurosurgeon in February as planned and he said "I don't know what else I can tell you, except that you probably DON'T have a brain aneurysm BUT I should see you again in about 2 years for an MRI. IF you do happen to have an aneurysm, I feel it is so small that there is no chance  of it bursting. So go live your life." 
Ok I get the go live your life. I would totally get  the we will check again in 2 years, if he had actually checked on his time and not just rely on the original CT scans (which he claimed was probably not done right to begin with...ummmm ok?) But to DO NOTHING to even try to help elevate my stress or my emotions, like maybe schedule the MRI or at the very least another CT scan!
But what really got me was my husbands acceptance of this (essentially a stranger) doctor, to look at my CTs he felt were either wrong or not read right, and to take all that he said as 'good to go'. That was a slap in the face.  I just can't get past that for almost a year I had CLEAR CT's and then all of a sudden there is something there, but not worth to double check or even worry about it. I know there is nothing that they can really do about it but to be just written off....leave you feeling kind of lost and worthless. THEN I go to MY doctor about a separate issue and she (who knows that this neurosurgeon said and basically said to me "well, he is the specialist") keeps talking to me about 'my aneurysm is so small so not to worry about it.' So my question is: DO I or DON'T I!? talk about confusion! No one wants to give me ONE answer and stick with it!  Do I get a medic-alert bracelet?Do I wait and let me be out and about one day and it DOES decide to grow and burst and no one knows why and I die!? Or do I go against the doctor's 'assessment' and get one just in case!? My hubby doesn't seem to understand the emotions that I am going through with this. He (for some odd reason -- odd as he never trusted doctors diagnosis' without some serious questions asked and a complete analysis in his own head over things. He usually would question and ask for further tests, etc. but not this time.... am I over reacting!?

I started seeing an acupuncturist shortly after and while he has done some great work with alleviating the headaches/migraines, I do still have issue with headaches and sudden pains in my head. But I can live with them (and I guess I have to as no one wants to listen to me anyway! :|) He is also helping me with my depression and anxiety, but again in small amounts.

My depression is always with me. Kind of like that commercial where a black cloud is following a woman. I struggle with it daily... somedays its is hourly or even each minute. I feel like I can get through the moment and then all of a sudden... I wish I could just go home to my Lord. I get so tired of fighting the cloud. Somedays it is like it is trying to suffocate me. I wake up disappointed most mornings to still be here. I realize that my emotions are probably tied in with my 'non-diagnosis' ... but what to do with the feelings... I have no idea.

I am not sure if anyone reads still but while I am thinking of it. Prayer for our Sammi would be awesome! He is so lost in the world. He is making crazy decisions, smoking not only cigarettes but weed and I am sure he is into more than that and he is drinking. He gets depressed and when he gets like that it scares the heck outta me, because I know what it is like to get to that point that he gets too sometimes.I pray and I try to always kept handing all my fears and worries back to Him and let God look after things, but I am human and things will creep back into my head ... But Sammi seems so lost and where he is finding 'himself' and 'acceptance' are not places where it is true or lasting. He allows himself to be lead astray but people who don't truly care about him -- which leaves those of us who DO love and care for him standing in a spot where we are hurt and trying to understand. I am scared of what will be the next thing he does or tries to try to find acceptance. I am scared of getting a phone call that he is hurt, in jail or worse. Sam is so much like my daddy that it truly scares the crap out of me. He is always there for everyone else, expects nothing from them and all at the expense of his health, bank acct., or life! Please pray for Sam if you remember! Thank you!

Well that is all for this update. I am daily doing battle with that darn black cloud and wish I could talk to someone about it but anyone I have tried to talk to about it brush it off, say 'oh i get down too sometimes', 'what do you have to be depressed about?!' , blah blah blah.... if only i could just open my head and let someone see what is happening in there physically AND mentally....if only....

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