No one is to blame .... except for maybe me.... again...

 or so it seems... and feels....

this past week was a doozy again! I seriously thought we were done with BI issues and all that goes with it... but again I was wrong.

at least I think I am wrong... but then again ...



- we were blindsided last weekend by our farm shop door (one of the big ones that you drive a tractor through) wide open Saturday morning before we head out to volleyball tournament -- dirt bike hauled to door and tools out...



This was followed by a missing quad (the only quad we had running for Dennis to do chores with) when we returned home from a volleyball tournament

    -not so pleasantly surprised to find it 'borrowed'

    -and even less surprised to find it returned broke down ...

We knew once we saw it was missing who had it and we were seriously not surprised to have it returned in less than running condition. Sometimes things like checking the oil and other daily maintenance things go forgotten about. There was also a severely sprained ankle from a few days earlier, an epileptologist appointment that was to be in the coming week (that was missed)

Dennis had spoken to Sam early on Saturday (about the shop door incident) and there was no request to borrow the quad (which would have been no as it had been asked the day before -- this is because we are down to one quad for Dennis to use to move cattle and fences daily).

To say the least we were a bit upset and rightly so we figure.

Apparently we were wrong...

Sam is not talking to us

He has 'unfriended' his siblings on FB (Dennis and I are no longer on FB)

He removed himself from our family  group chats on messenger

He plans on moving out

and he is done with us (his words to me on Sunday last week) and "all the BS around here"

His attitude and demeanour is very much like when he was on his seizure medications. (Which he is not now); like he is bound and determined to make life miserable for everyone because he is miserable, upset, fed up, disappointed or whatever...



He will not say what brought this on.
 I am at a loss... my heart hurts
I am on the verge of tears all the time. I spent copious amounts of time praying to God and talking with Him, handing all my worries and fears back to Him when I try to take them back. I know worrying does nothing so that is my daily... hourly ... even every minute goal...



I send Sam texts asking him to come for tea or just to say hi basically and most are met with nothing or no and what makes it hurt so much more was it wasn't that long ago he sent me a beautiful message that brought me to tears:


and now this ....
I am just so tired....

I know part of this is his BI and all the lies he has been telling himself and others are now the resounding truth in his head

but I am tired....

I am tired of always being the 'wrong' one, the one to blame, the one who is the emotional punching bag for people...

and I am mad an hurt....

why is it that he can't see that we are the only ones that are ALWAYS here for him and love him unconditionally ... and yet it is ok to treat us like crap and hold his friends up to be the ones where are 'always' there?!?

why does he feel the need to shut out his siblings who only want whats best for him!?! they didn't do anything -- but because he feels the need to post his life on FB he feels that they will report back to us what he is doing!

I am exhausted

I sleep little

I hear every noise in the house at night again

I am trying to keep busy with whatever I can to keep my mind from wandering to why!?

WHY!?



why the heck do I let him do this to me...



because I love him and want to see him succeed in life.



He is my 'Sammi' and I miss him terribly....

You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin

And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and let you cut the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost

And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can see the summit but you can't reach it
It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain

And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame

~~ Howard Jones~~