holding my breath ... but i have to let go

I have to learn to let go...
and let God ...

In keeping with my initial statements when I made this blog  of staying honest I am going to o-continue with that here today. This IS NOT a post about brain injury... 

Our youngest and only daughter has gone to Mazatlàn, Mexico with YWAM (Youth With a Mission) where she is doing her DTS (Discipleship in Training)...and we couldn't be more proud but now that her outreach has been announced I feel like I am always holding my breath ...

She will be in Mexico until Dec. 18, (unless something changes with the travel plans) that will be the start of their outreach. She will then be traveling with TWO groups to Spain where they will leave the Spain outreach team and leave for Algeria, North Africa.  We don't know where exactly in Algeria  they will be going as it can compromise their outreach.  From what we understand it is dangerous to spread the Word of God there (Islam is the main religion - 99%). So that is a little unnerving for a momma's heart.

I have been working hard to let God take this heavy heart and let Him do the work of "worrying" (and yes, I know He doesn't worry...) but I am not very good at letting Him to keep that issue.  To be honest I am scared for our girl. I have prayed and prayed. I keep handing my love for Hannah to Him like I did with Sam when he had his accident, but I don't seem to feel that same peace that I did when I was able to let Sammi go home if that was what God wanted. I don't know why I can't find that peace... it bothers me so much that I can't.  honestly I am scared that something will happen to her while she is there. I am scared. I am scared for so many things that are unreasonable and some that are possible.

 I can't even explain it.

We have seen such amazing growth in our girl since she has been with YWAM. She is honest in her struggles, but she is just as excited in her own and in others growth and revelations. She is more open about her faith and she isn't scared to say when she is feeling lost or less than and I think that is because she HAS stretched her faith further than she ever has! She has seen and been apart of so many miraculous things. She has seen God at work everyday through not so rose coloured glasses, for people who believe in Him and people who don't.
Hannah has been able to see that not everyone is as privileged as we are here in our country, our community ... our home.

I have seen her face light up when speaking about playing soccer with kids, sitting with young children who doesn't speak english (or at all), with talking to people who live in a garbage dump and when they have prayed for someone who is in YWAM, or for people who are on the street. Her eyes sparkle when she talks about going to North Africa and when they come back to Mazatlan for carnival. Her heart is so huge for spreading Christ's love and His Message.

Even so ... even though I see this light, I hear the love in her voice, I can see His plan beginning to work in her ... I still wish she wasn't going to somewhere where that is a reason for others to use it against her. Even though I was alright and at complete peace with God taking Sammi home if that was His plan, I am not with Hannah.

I have found every "excuse" in the book -- she's my baby, my last born, she is my only girl, she is so kindhearted, her love for God and others literally shines through her (and I admire that), it is a very dangerous country, she is not overly street wise, she is too trusting.
I have always told her that when I grow up I want to be just like her ... this makes me feel so guilty and sad. I really do want to be more like Hannah; to be seemingly fearless in my faith and not be scared to step out into the unknown for God. I know that anything can happen anywhere at anytime to anyone... but who can listen to reason when your heart is hurting?

Before Hannah left she and I got matching tattoos on our forearms:

LOVE YOU in each others handwriting and verses to remind us to
go to God always. I used to pray numbers 6:24-26 over the kids
each morning before they left for school.

And on our wrists: 

a reminder to breathe and go to Him when
things feel like they are closing in and you can't breathe...

and I look at them everyday to remind myself to pray, to take it to Him, to let Him give me the peace that passes all understanding... and just breathe

and I keep praying:

6 Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. 7 And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours]. Philippians 4:6-7 (AMP)

He has it all in HIs hands and He knows the outcome to everything...