Be careful what you wish for...

I have many friends that are caregivers.
but we never talk really about its like to be a caregiver ... a caregiver in the many, MANY capacities we are all in... not really.
We talk at our BI meetings but we never really go in depth about what we go through, how we are affected or how we wish we could change things.

so to hear one of my dearest friends say to me yesterday that she has wished for many years to be able to have someone look after her for a bit made me tear up so fast and even faster, wipe those tears away and hide my own feelings of the same.
My friend has had her 'wish' "granted" but not in a way she had hoped. She was diagnosed and had surgery for cancer and is in a large, noisy, no privacy, not being able to eat (since Wednesday last week so far...) or drink... hospital.

With all the worries and stresses, that goes along with most people who are sick, have cancer, broken bones, fatigue... whatever...  and then the usual worries that those of us who are caregivers have about those we love:

Are they ok?
Are they taking care of themselves?
Are they taking their med?
Are they sleeping well?
Are they eating properly?
Is whom ever is supposed to be checking in on these things doing it and doing it properly?

I feel for my friend. I wish we lived closer so I could help more and she would be able to rest a bit better knowing that someone who understands her worries and concerns is looking out not only for her well being but her survivors too.
it is so challenge
But to go back to her 'wish'... I have wished that very thing myself on many occasions. It gets so tiring being the one who is constantly 'looking after' in one area/capacity or another. I don't think that you ever truly know who much a caregiver does until you have to be one. And that sad fantasy to have someone to have to look after me for a while ... sounds great... but....

but I know where the the balls would drop on that score. I know because in my day to day, my needs, my wishes go unnoticed every.single.day.

My survivors can remember many amazing things. Many MULTIPLE amazing things... they have a few balls in the air at once and not drop a single one... except that one.

me...

I feel some days like I should speak up, but then I know to do so will illicit hurt feelings -- no matter how loving and caring I try to come across.

Or it will be come a game of "well you never...", "thats not what I meant/said...", "I stopped saying/doing/helping because you said...." or the worst would be the listening and seeming to take me serious for a day or two and then drop that ball; and I am back to where I am now... hurting and feeling alone.

I wish we as caregivers were able to talk better about what we go through, but it is so challenging to do this... almost too challenging to open hurts or lines of communication on these issues as it feels like you are burdening others who already have their plate over flowing with their own stuff.  To tell others who don't understand BI survivors is almost as challenging as telling your survivor! It then becomes a came of "well thats just normal male behaviour ... "or "well my husband/son/dad {insert any female pronoun also} ...." and it becomes a great game of 'who has the best worst scenario" ...

So we bottle it up, push it down and keep on moving.

Until it hurts so much that you find yourself crying at songs, tv shows, memories ... anything that will evoke any kind of emotion and it comes out as tears.

My help comes from God and His Word... but somedays a real honest to goodness friend would NOT go amiss!

Sorry but not sorry for the whining... this blog is that friend...