hardest post ever to write

I have wrote this post so many times now...


in my head and on here and never actually hit publish...
I don't talk to anyone other than Dennis really about this...
and our kids...
we have asked for prayer from a few people but to actually sit and let someone know the whole sordid tale is almost too much...

I struggle to talk about it for lots of reasons:

1. worried how people will react or what they would say (most people don't understand Brain Injuries and so they rarely know how to react to that ... let alone a BI AND other issues)
2. hearing people tell me what I should do or should have done (condemnation for being a terrible mom)
3. having to look people who know in the eye and see 'that look' of pity or worse
4. I can cry at the drop of a hat... again
5. It brings back some bad memories

we are dealing with a lot of things with Samuel again. he is struggling with a lot of things as well... but he won't let us in to help and (I should say maybe its OR) he won't let us.

First of all, he has a drug problem. we don't know all the ins and outs of his use (and I don't know if I want to know) but he has a problem.  we know marijuana is one he uses... a lot.

He lies constantly. to us,  to others, to himself, to God... so much so that we can no longer believe a thing he says. Not sure if this is the drugs or the brain injury...or a combination of the two...  but it causes such grief.

He lives with depression and treats it with the drugs as far as we know along with ignoring it...

He is (and possibly still is - see above issue) in an abusive relationship with a girl. She mentally, emotionally and psychologically abuses him. we have seen her physically abuse him also. she is a  manipulator and very conniving. she can turn the table on someone so fast that they don't even know it. this girl we took in as our family, we loved her -- until she turned a knife on Sam one night and then herself -- and blamed it all on him. she has punched him and slapped him as well. Unfortunately, sam thinks he is helping her. He thinks she needs him. We have been told many stories about her and it worries us so much. she is slowly turning our sam away from us. I pray he sees this and her manipulative ways before things get way worse.

He can't seem to keep track of money (probably because a good portion of it goes to drugs or who knows where).

He has some medical issues that need to be looked after properly (not just partially).

He has lost his license many times and the latest is he has had his car impounded for 60days and has to pay a large amount of money to get his license back.

there is so many more things to say but I can't.  my heart breaks, my eyes cry, my brain spins.... and then I do it again.

I get so frustrated with all the time we spent after his accident trying to get help nothing physically but also mentally - so that he could learn to deal with his new normal... and NO ONE would help.  Now we are left with a man who can not deal with his depression, his brain injury or his abuse. He has never been taught... other than what we could try to help him with - which apparently wasn't enough.

I get so frustrated too that we FOUGHT so hard to get him to where the doctors were even amazed and this is how he is going to live his life.

He is spiralling down so much right now that we can only pray that it is the beginning of the bottom of the barrel...
but we have thought we were heading there so may times before it is heart breaking to get our hopes openly to have him keep digging that damn hole. he is caught in that vicious cycle of addiction and add the abuse to it...


This week I am going to be trying to see what we can do to get help for us. I will talk to the Brain injury association of Canada and see if they can point me in a direction of help (brain injuries and addiction is handled a bit differently than 'just addiction' I believe.) and if there is nothing on that path then I will call Teen and Adult Challenge and see if they can get me help. Along with prayer and faith that He knows how this story will end - because nothing NOTHING surprises God. I can't fix sam or his issues, but we can fix how we will react to him and everything he is going through - so we will do what WE can let God do the rest...

easier said than done...


I read somewhere that if your addict likes you, you are just an enabler.



so we need to stop.
that is just as hard to write as it is to say ...


... and even harder to do...