pray... write... delete... post... pray... repeat...

Last Monday was my 14th care meeting at the personal care home where my daddy lives.  FOURTEENTH ... my daddy has lived in a care home for 14 years. Out of the 22years since his accident, 14 of them have been with us -- meaning he has lived here in Manitoba. Every year I go to the care home and go to this care meeting we discuss daddy's health - both physical and mental, we talk about things we will work on with him the up coming year ... and every year I have to agree to his health care directive. All the personal and gory details of caring for him.

Decisions get made every year that were made the year before - but that doesn't make it any easier. Every year I make those hard decisions alone. 

Every. Single. Year.

This year I got to add to the care plan that I have planned and made arrangements for Daddy's funeral for when the time comes. I spoke with the public trustee and explained to her how when dad gets really sick (and theres been quite a few times in the past 14 years) that I have to do a quick exit plan for him and its getting harder to do each time. So we (me, the funeral home and the public trustee) prearranged it all.  

whoo...

hoo...

done and done... 

I wonder where other  single children caregivers go to discuss any plans or arrangements, reminisce about the past or just to talk about how they are doing while going through whatever they are going through? I have no family to rely on. No one but me to have happy memories of my dad with, no one but me to go and visit him and discuss his care with... no one else to visit him period. So it is all down to me and I am willing to admit that I am failing in the daughter of the year arena. {I don't get the chance to see him nearly as much as I should. He is hard to visit with - he doesn't talk and when he does it is a lot of swearing and extremely inappropriate things being said. I usually leave with tears in my eyes and my heart breaking.} it gets very exhausting hearing people (who work in the home AND who all seem to think they 'get it' that its ok, at least I am seeing him when I can. "its quality right..not quantity"... but its not either to be honest).

I have Dennis and he is a huge help for some areas, but even he knows how hard it is because he never knew my dad. He met him maybe 6-8 times before the accident and that was it. He has no "hey remember that time me, you and your dad..." really to share. (ok we have one and it involves my dad in a field near a rock pile and a badger... marking said field while they were spraying). The next memory we share is when daddy showed up for Christmas after Sammi was born... then I never saw him again, until he was in ICU and hooked up to every imaginable machine possible.

I know wishing doesn't do any good, this is not something that is every going to get better... or easier. But I really do WONDER ... how do others do it!? where do they go? how to they cope?

At my BI meeting group no one else there is remotely in the same boat as me when it comes to this Brain Injury game... no one. 

honestly I had seriously hoped and prayed that this blog would have had at least ONE person cross my path that may have been of support.  so I will continue as I have started and I will pray, write...delete...write...delete .... possibly post it... pray some more....

...and repeat...