Saturday, October 4, 2008

just small reminders

It has just been over 2 months--2 MONTHS!!!!--since Sam's accident and I have found that we are all leaning more towards the "forgetfulness" that it happened as life goes on. But then there are those moments that are a knee jerk back into reality about it all. There have been quite a few of those this week.
Sam's temper can flair up so fast.. faster than it ever did and he can get very hurtful with his words and attitude. He and I have been butting heads alot these last few days and I am finding it so tiring both mentally and physically! I tend to want to fly off the handle too when he gets like that but then i remember what has happened and try to keep my cool and handle it in a mature and reasonable fashion... but it is so hard and discouraging when it happens over and over again! I know that people (or teens) lash out and that we all have our moments of flaring temper, but it seems like i get the brunt of Sam's flare ups. I will admit there have been a few times I am sure I could have handled it better ...and i am trying to prepare myself for future episodes... but i am tired and i will admit-- i am human.
This is one of those things that most people dont see or understand when they look at Sam OR Dennis and I.They see the physical outside of him and think he is great! and Forget that there is 3 fragments to a bullet and multiple skull fragments in his brain that will be forever lodged there! They are going to create some sort of change in him. I must admit it is hard, but I do know that it will get better with time. HE needs to learn how to control these out bursts-- but how can i get him to do that when no one else really seems to see that side of him? Someone told me this week that i am so close to the situation that I may not see it all in perspective... I agree with that but on the other hand it is because i am so close to this situation that I see what others don't see and may NEVER see if I can help him to relearn this... I dont want this behaviour to be another "new norm" in our life, if there is a way to help him to overcome it.
I am trying so hard not to be one of those over protective fantical mom's with him, monitoring his every movement. I am trying to give him the space and freedom he needs to gain back some independence but there are days when i find that i spend most of my 60,000 words a day saying "Sam, you need to think that one thru..." "Sam, should you be up there...""Sam, you are almost 13..." "Sam, Sam, Sam, SAM!!!!!!"

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