Dennis and i have not been seeing eye to eye it seems with how to deal with sam and his issues. i am not sure what to do or say about anything anymore. i feel lost in all the information i have filling my brain...lost in the house some days... lost in my head with what has happened. unfortunately i verbally vomited today on 2 people-- one was a lady at work. she came in for some stuff and i happened to be extremely frustrated and it all came out and then when i tried to tell dennis about my day and how it started... i did it again and i am afraid it was not in a nice manner. i am hoping that my sessions with the counsellor will start to help (once i have had more than one session that is) but i thinki am far too good at disguising what is really going on in my head and in our house to share with others who could make a face to face evaluation of it all... and tell me how miserably i am really failing at this all. that is it in a nutshell i guess. i feel like i am failing.
i am failing sam with not getting the help that he needs. everytime i am sent to someone i am failing at asking the questions that need answers so that we can get pointed in the right direction for help.
i am failing the other kids with being so tired both physically and emotionally at the end of the day.
i am failing dennis for the same reasons but all that i am not able to be as strong and supportive as he needs me to be.
i am failing my friends for not spending time with them and being a good friend.
i am failing myself for all the above reasons.
i realize the tone of this post but today... i feel like a complete and total failure... nothing new really... only change is that today i vocalized it.
i am having trouble with this eye to eye thing with dennis. i feel like he is trying to 'fix' things the way that a man would with any other problem. but this isnt an issue that can be fixed that way. i know-- i have tired. raising my voice, getting angry wont work this time. i think it is going to take a much more quiet, subdued manner-- neither of which either of us is the best at. come to think of it-- no one in our house is. i have been on the net tonight looking up all sorts of ABI (aquired brain injury) sites to help with some ideas of how to deal with sams anger, frustrations and moodiness (and i will say now that if one more person says to me about 'ahhhh typical teen behaviour' i will smack them... so fair warning! i am aware of typical teen behaviour-- this is NOT IT!) and the news i got was that 'this is normal ABI behaviour' and it can last a few years to a life time... but no real firm answers, which makes sense, since every BODY is different and every injury is different. so i need to get creative (and patient) and come up with some ideas i guess...
I am hoping to talk to another parent (referred to me by the MBIA in Brandon) about this very thing... so i also need to wait for her to call...(did i mention that i am not good with waiting?)