Thursday nights

On Thursday nights I usually go to my dad's to sit and watch t.v. and have coffee/tea and visit with him.
Dennis comes sometimes but our schedule has now changed and it is harder for him to come with me and I miss it.
Dennis is a buffer between me and my dad.
I hate saying that.
But Dennis is the padding that keeps me from falling apart when my dad doesn't know me
or when he scowls
or when he tries to bite
And the last few weeks I have gone on my own
And dad hasn't known me...
This morning I had a call from the PCH and they needed to send him to the hospital for a Dilantin test because he has been seizuring/tremoring a lot more than usual. I hope to be able to talk to someone about the results of that testing tomorrow. But with everything else that is happening in our lives sometimes visiting with dad is incredibly hard.
And then the guilt...
if I were a good daughter I would go and be happy and smile
if I were a good daughter I wouldn't feel like crying whenever he looks at me
if I were a good daughter I would be able to handle all the issues that keep popping up
if I were a good daughter
I wouldn't want to stay home on Thursdays

That was part of my day today...

Yesterday was this... 

Speaking with a Child/Adolescent Mental Health worker and then trying to make sense of our
conversation today...
and to figure out how to share this information with the school so we can get Sam's classes for the next 2.5 years sorted out. Trying to figure out how to get the school to understand what a brain injury is and where we are at in the survival end of it all...
The worker has sent our file to Mental Health so that we can individually and possibly collectively work on the trauma our family had/has experienced. A bit late I think but then better late than never?
She made a comment to me about the things I told her and she said "you are an amazing woman! You are doing so well with it all and with everything you have had thrown at you..." she kept going on about 'how amazing' I was and I wanted to yell at her to stop! I am not amazing. I am barely keeping it all together most days. I am no amazing, I need a buffer for when I visit my dad! I cry at the stupidest things, I look at myself and wonder what the heck am I doing!?