Sunday, April 17, 2011

Another night in the Hosp, another letter to you

Sam, it is so hard to believe that right now you and I are back to yet a place we were at over 2 years ago. 
You are sleeping in your hospital bed and I am sitting here watching you sleep. My heart is so sore from emotions that have been running today... My head is aching and yet all I can do is wonder how YOU cope with all that you do...There seems to be a hole in my stomach for what the next step will be in our future...
This morning at 6am Josh woke me up with a frantic voice telling me that he thot you were having a seizure --  I jumped out of bed and ran to your room ...
to find your long thin body twisted and convulsing. Your usual smiley face and deepening voice making gutteral sounds and frothing at the mouth. Your beautiful blue eyes rolled back in your head... I told Joshua to call 9-1-1 and then turned back to you and tried to do what I could ---which was nothing ... until the longest 30-40 seconds of my life passed by.
Dad met Josh at the bottom of the stairs and he called 9-1-1 and Joshua called Granni, so she wouldnt be alarmed at the ambulance coming up our road.
I thot that time passed slowly on the drive to Winnipeg in ’08...this morning it crawled. 
When your seizure was over you just laid in your bed and my ind raced like crazy over everything I was to do and not to do. You would be so proud of your siblings.They handled everything they needed to do so well. They were quiet and calm and extremely helpful.
It took about 15minutes for the ambulance to arrive and just before they did, you came to and were wondering what was going on. Dad was sitting beside your bed and the furniture was all moved and a few moments later in come 2 strange men. I know you know all of this but I want to record it here (I am typing this on my computer now and I will post it later on the blog) so that you know how things happened. 
Since this was your first ever seizure the EMT’s agreed that it would be best to ride to the hospital in the ambulance -- in case you seizure again--  but thankfully you didnt.
Now you lay in the ICU bed again and I am marveling at your strength and resilience at this whole ordeal. You have been charming and polite with the medical staff, caring and thotful with dad and I... you are still my hero Sam.
I sit here and a million things go thru my head. I want to bargain with God to let me take your place, I want to be mad at Him for making you ... and us all... go thru this. But I know there is a reason for it... I want to cry, scream and just throw things. But instead I will sit here and type out my emotions here and I pray for you, me, dad, Josh, Isaac and Hannah. What if this means you are not able to play football? What if you will not be able to got your pilots license? What if you have another seizure in the next month, will you be able to go for your license in October? Will you still be able to handle going to Air Cadet Camp  Alberta? Will I be able to handle you going to camp? I have been mentally making future arrangements for us to go to Wpg for appointments (we already know that  there will be a CT Scan in the near future and other dr. appointments with neurologists)Did I miss something this time around with this? Was there a warning sign? Can I be strong enough to be who you need as we go thru with this? 
I hope you know Sam how much you are loved and being prayed for at this time. We have friends and family that are praying and sending you well wishes. I am praying for you, I am praying for me and I feel so guilty and selfish for saying that. But I want to be the mom you are going to need as we travel this new road, and I know I am going to need all the strength that He can give me to be that mom.

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