tired...again or still?

Sam has been under a lot of stress lately from some 'teen drama' that has made it's appearance in our lives once again. So we have been working hard to get him to keep eating properly, get good sleep, keep handing the stress and the issue to God when it arises in his thoughts and last night we stopped at the CATC and picked up booklets that he worked in last year when he was there to help him to deal with the stress. He thought he had worked in a 'stress' booklet but doesnt quite remember as the time was when he was till pretty high on the meds.
I have been praying for him almost constant and I have been trying to keep handing this to God too -- so I dont get sick myself-- but I am worried about this stress triggering seizures and setting us back to somewhere we dont want to be. I cannot go back to that point of hospitals and meds again.

I know if it happens I can.... I just really dont want too. I am so tired right now from life that I want to crawl into bed and not come out until I am not tired anymore-- whether it takes a few days, weeks or a few months....

Last night Dennis and I got home from a Holistic Financial course and there was a message from Daddy's  PCH. They were informing me that he is sick with an upper respirtory chest infection and has spiked fevers for the last few days. The nurse practitioner had a look at him and he is on zithromax now  and will be for 4-5 days. When we were there last week, he looked like he was getting a cold or something. We didnt get in to see him last night as we were exhausted from being in our course all day so then I felt like garbage because when a resident is sick they spend all day in thier room.... so my dad was all day in his bed, sick with no company and we didnt go and see him. We are going to the course again today but we will not be home again until late (and we are leaving very early in the morning) so we wont see be able to stop and see him. I had planned on not going to church on Sunday so Sam could rest but I might now go so I can go and see Dad...



I am just so tired of being tired.
I am tired of smiling for everyone.
I am tired of pretending I am not tired.
I am tired of feeling like I am failing at every turn.
I am tired of talking to people about BI only to have to tell it to them all over again tomorrow.(and please understand that I am NOT talking about survivors--I am meaning family, friends, the public-- people who just dont GET IT)
I am tired of always feeling like there is a huge dam of tears sitting right there waiting to burst.
I am tired....

this sucks

After last nights visit with Daddy, I called his PCH today and spoke with one of his nurses.

She confirmed that he is regressing...

He IS getting quieter...

He IS not participating mas much as he once did...

...but ....

He IS still eating well...

His health otherwise IS fine...

He is NOT losing weight...

I am glad to hear these last things...

so why then am I sitting here with such a heavy heart? 

I have a ton of tears sitting just behind my eyes and I want to cry but to so that might mean I may never stop...

I tried talking to him last night about what we had been up to this week and the conference we attended...

he just looked past me...

dennis tried to force him to look at me by moving his chair to face me...

to talk to me...

 and nothing, so I turned him around to the tv before I started crying in front of him.

my heart hurts...

i just want my daddy back

Date night with Dad...

My date nights with Daddy are getting quieter and quieter. He doesn't speak much or even look at me. I find it hard to talk to him about life because when I talk he gives me (what in my mind are) dirty looks or disgusted looks. So I am unsure if I am annoying him or if he is just .... something else.

Daddy in bed on our Thursday Date night...

Dennis has been coming with me more lately and honestly I find it a huge relief- then the pressure is off me and Dad will sometimes respond more with Dennis. For example, 2 weeks ago we were there for a visit and after a half hour Dad looked so tired so I went to find a nurse to put him in bed. He hadn't spoke much and mostly sat with his eyes closed. When I left to find a nurse Dennis asked why Dad was so tired and his response was because he had "been hog tying calves all day."Dennis questioned him on this and Dad was adamant that he had been doing just that "hog tying calves". Now my dad was not a farmer or a cowboy... he was a trucker... so where this came from I don't know- perhaps a dream? Dad also told Dennis that he wanted us to leave because he was tired...But when I got back to the room Dennis told me what Dad had said, I asked Dad about it and he ignored me and wouldn't even acknowledge me, with the exception that he did indeed want us to leave. 

I know I shouldn't take it personally and I should be happy he is expressing himself, but it hurts that he wont talk with me (but will with Dennis) and that he asks us to leave when we come to visit.(this was not the first time he had asked this). 

This past Thursday Dad was already in bed and didn't acknowledge me again. We brought him ice cream and we watched 'The Big Bang Theory', All in the Family and M*A*S*H, yet he didn't speak with me. 

It is really at times like this I wish I had a sibling to sit with and reminisce, laugh, cry, share the responsibilities... someone else that would understand what I am going thru...

Am I getting thru...

The number of head injuries in this house keeps growing and I am getting tired.

Joshua was a work 3 weeks ago (he works for a local farmer) and while they were filling up an inside tire on the hay trailer it blew out. Josh's head just happened to be nearest as he was the one going to take the air hose off the tire. There was nothing 'wrong' with the tire and they didn't over fill it -- it was just one of those freak things. Now, in our area most people know that head injuries are a big thing with us (no kidding...)  and that I personally take them VERY seriously....

.... apparently my oldest son does not realize this. He did not go to the hospital right away (hospital is only 10minutes from his work), I am not sure what (or if) his boss said to him but he drove home 20 minutes after finishing the rest of his shift, a major migraine and ringing in his ears, light and noise sensitivity and just a general 'off' feeling....

major migraine....

ringing in his ears....

light and noise sensitivity....

feeling 'off'....

This happened on a Monday and it wasn't until WEDNESDAY that he went to the hospital to see about it -- due to headaches and ringing still in his ears. The doctor there told him he had a concussion (no kidding...) and no work or a week or so, make an appointment with our doctor and if things get worse go see our doctor straight away.  Joshua saw our doctor the  following Friday and was sent for a CT scan the next Friday (which was the day before yesterday). The doctor will get the results on Monday (tomorrow) so we will wait to see what is happening.  Josh is still experiencing some headaches and ringing every once in a while, too.

After all we have been thru with Sam, Dennis, Dad and Isaac, I would have really hoped that Josh would have taken things a bit more serious and headed straight to the hospital. He is very lucky on quite a few levels in regards to what happened and what the outcome could have been. I am hoping it is mostly just down to him being a 'man' and an 'invinsible' 18 year old one at that... but am I doing a well enough job in spreading awareness and making people realize just how serious concussions and any head injury are!?

Dennis and I sat here one day and in my family alone I have many (seven at last count) family members with head injuries, all ranging from mild to severe.  Am I getting thru to anyone? Does anything I say make sense to anyone and they are taking the precautions needed to protect their brain and their future?!