Friday, February 22, 2013

tired...again or still?

Sam has been under a lot of stress lately from some 'teen drama' that has made it's appearance in our lives once again. So we have been working hard to get him to keep eating properly, get good sleep, keep handing the stress and the issue to God when it arises in his thoughts and last night we stopped at the CATC and picked up booklets that he worked in last year when he was there to help him to deal with the stress. He thought he had worked in a 'stress' booklet but doesnt quite remember as the time was when he was till pretty high on the meds.
I have been praying for him almost constant and I have been trying to keep handing this to God too -- so I dont get sick myself-- but I am worried about this stress triggering seizures and setting us back to somewhere we dont want to be. I cannot go back to that point of hospitals and meds again.

I know if it happens I can.... I just really dont want too. I am so tired right now from life that I want to crawl into bed and not come out until I am not tired anymore-- whether it takes a few days, weeks or a few months....

Last night Dennis and I got home from a Holistic Financial course and there was a message from Daddy's  PCH. They were informing me that he is sick with an upper respirtory chest infection and has spiked fevers for the last few days. The nurse practitioner had a look at him and he is on zithromax now  and will be for 4-5 days. When we were there last week, he looked like he was getting a cold or something. We didnt get in to see him last night as we were exhausted from being in our course all day so then I felt like garbage because when a resident is sick they spend all day in thier room.... so my dad was all day in his bed, sick with no company and we didnt go and see him. We are going to the course again today but we will not be home again until late (and we are leaving very early in the morning) so we wont see be able to stop and see him. I had planned on not going to church on Sunday so Sam could rest but I might now go so I can go and see Dad...

I am just so tired of being tired.
I am tired of smiling for everyone.
I am tired of pretending I am not tired.
I am tired of feeling like I am failing at every turn.
I am tired of talking to people about BI only to have to tell it to them all over again tomorrow.(and please understand that I am NOT talking about survivors--I am meaning family, friends, the public-- people who just dont GET IT)
I am tired of always feeling like there is a huge dam of tears sitting right there waiting to burst.
I am tired....

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