I have been debating with myself again (as I am prone to do alot in this journey apparently) of whether I should post our new 'goings ons' or just leave it and hope that things change and get better...
I have wrote postings in my head a thousand times while driving my van, walking outside, washing dishes, laying in bed trying to sleep... (for the record those postings all sounded so interesting and so 'together', even eloquent, in my head -- nothing at all like I am sure this one will sound) but in the end I have always brushed them off and thought that it was not worth the time to pour out my thoughts and possibly shed the tears that sit behind my eyes ... again... lately. This is a post that I am scaed to actually publish because of the many 'nay sayers' (for lack of a better word) that have brushed off my concerns and worries with "oh that is just a normal teen/man thing -- dont worry he will grow out of it". People who do not know what it is to live with a survivor of a brain injury. People who do not know what it is to see the change but the rest of the world (this includes family and friends) does not. People who do not deal with the day to day issues that face not just a survivor but thier caregivers too. People who probably mean well but
Our Sam finished his grade 12 year in January and is now a high school Graduate!!! YAY!!! I am so proud of him for sticking it out and doing what he set out to do 5 years ago after his accident! His marks were for the most part ok some not so much but enough to pass.
Sam also turned 18 in December...
Sam has a addiction I believe to his phone... ok that is normal teen behaviour. He also seems to be really addicted to texting
(using his phone and apps on his phone) people he doesnt know. He sends pictures and I am prety sure he is sexting. Now that wouldnt be a big deal to some but when you see how it takes over his life you would be concerned. He never puts his phone down and charges it multiple times a day. We have asked him to be respectful of our rules but we get nothing from him but "yep ok" and then no action. He will rush to get work done (and not do it properly or at all!) so that he can get back to his phone. He doesn't pay attention to what is being said unless you make a point of forcing him to listen and repeat it back. I am seriously worried!
The past week or more he has asked for advice and when it is given to him he doesnt take it and actually does the complete opposite. He is planning to move out in May to one of our homes but he doesnt seem to have the motivation to get the house ready (some minor mudding has been done - and there is some major cleaning needing to be done and a bit of painting now that he has mudded). He sits on his phone. He needs to save his money so he can move out! ("rent" - which is really just the utilities -- and groceries will be needed) but he doesnt save he spends, spends, spends the little bit of money he makes from his (at the moment)part time job. He will be starting a full time job in 2 weeks and that is going to be a whole new learning curve for him as it will be for a farmer-- so long hours (he is not used to and I am sure he hasnt explained his BI to the employer) -- enter his fatiguing, lost of equipment operating (enter NO CELL phone/texting) PLUS there is about a 45 minute drive to and from work! It will be 'interesting' (aka nerve wracking)!
Grandpa was going to give Sam 2 bred sows to raise to sell the piglets and we were all for it except Sam didnt save any money for the feed and has done nothing to get ready for these pigs. We bought all his feed last year for his pigs and we did a big part of his chores with them too and he got all the money for them... not a problem. BUT we told him to save some money for this years feed and to get set up for them and he has done nothing! We will be very short handed this summer on our own farm with work and wont have time to be running up to his place to look after his livestock and buying his feed! He is a bit pissed at us for this but what are we to do? He doesnt seem to get that once he is working for this new farmer he is not going to have the time or energy to look after more things than himself! We have tried to explain to him to try to enjoy being out on his own first. It will be a huge adjustment. And still somehow we are the big jerks in this! We are not supporting him! We are not letting him live his life! And yet he doesnt see what can afford to keep our own farm business running AND support his!
He also seems to think that for whatever reason he has no responsiblity to us here on the farm when he is not working (4 hours a day a few times a week right now). We gave him a car (which will be transferred to his name when he moves out and we will pay a year of insurance for him), we give him a house to live in now (and in the near future!) we ask him to help with a few things and it is like pulling teeth! I know that is most teens but once they are done school you would think they would want to do whatever is necessary to get out on their own!?
Sam has also taken to drinking -- I am not sure to what degree but it scares me from the way he talks to his friends about what and how he will be drinking! He doesnt eat (he has lost a substantial amount of weight again), he rarely drinks water and his sleeping has been irratic again. We are not so naive to think he wont ever drink -- we drink and allow the kids to drink in moderation here at home with us -- but he is setting himself up for the perfect storm... His driving has scared his brother with the speed and lack of concern for the passengers.
I am just so tired of fighting about everything with Sam about what is said or done these days! I am struggling with my depression again and find it exhausting to hide it from everyone-- which I am sure I am failing at too. I feel like a bad mom for wanting him to get out on his own so he can see what we are trying to do for him... I am so tired of always being the 'bad guy', the 'bitchy' one, the one who is there no matter what but always gets shit on...I'm about due....
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