Changes...

"Change is good Donkey" (from Shrek) is one of my most favorite lines! And if you were to ask my husband he would say that I am constantly changing things (living room, kitchen, hair colour/style, bedrooms, gardens-- he never knows just what he is coming home too!lol) And this past year the changes have been coming at me fast and furious and I have NOT liked it! I have not handled things (changes) so well this year, but I am hoping that will all be changing (LOL) soon. See I gave my notice at work yesterday. May 29 will be my last day at the church. There are a number of reasons why Dennis and I chose to do this but the main and foremost reason is that with summer coming up it is best for me to be at home with the kids. It wouldnt be fair to anyone for Josh, Isaac and Hannah to have to deal with Sam if he is not having a good day. And in order for us to help him stay focused and get better we need to stay in a routine (which is hard to do with me working 3 days a week).
It was a very hard decision for us to make, since i DO enjoy my job, but my family comes first. I am hoping that there will be alot more changes in our house with this new 'endeavour' of me being a stay home mom again! (restoring order to our lives again!)
I was worrying this morning about going into work and what people will say when they find out but as I was reading my bible and the devotional that went with it (from the Family walk devotional Bible) was about that as parents our most important job is to raise our kids in the way of our Lord. Which got me to thinking, I am doing the right thing...I am doing what i believe God wants us to do. We are trying to put our house in order and live in a way that is pleasing to Him. These past few months I have felt so much pressure with work, home life, taking Sam to appts, looking after my dad and my mom that I felt like I was being stretched so thin that i was going to snap! Work is something that was a stress I could eleviate (it is a part time job) and something that we can survive without. It will just mean a new budget to organize and follow and a few pinches here and there, but it is do-able. I feel a bit little on the shoulders now too and I am hoping that the kids and Dennis will start to feel it too once I am able to get my head around it (and stop with the guilt about resigning half a dozen times a day). Deut.31:8 says "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." I will hold onto that verse today and for many days to come I am sure.

btw... Sam weighed in yesterday and another weight GAIN!!! WHOOO HOOOO!! I am very excited about this! The doctor did tell us last week to not worry about his not gaining weight or growing taller because his brain is still healing and it will take a long time for it to do so. So i am prepared that he may lose it again but that make 2.5pounds he has gained in 2 weeks!! Just an update for football weight... Sam won't be able to play football this year due to his weight and he has no stamina for it. Wait let me rephrase that... he WOULD play an entire game i am sure (as he wouldnt know when enough was enough), but it would take him weeks to recouperate from it with fatigue. So there will be
no football for him this year.
Sam doesnt realize when he is fatigued and will push himself until he falls down. I read a post from a lady with a TBI and she explained it so well. She saif that most people without a TBI will get numerous chances with thier brain to slow down but when you have a TBI your brain gives you just ONE CHANCE and if you miss it... it will make you stop. Sam always misses the one warning his brain gives him. I am not sure if it is he is in denial or if his 'self check function' (cant think of the word for here right now) isnt working right yet.

So God has been making changes going on in our house this past month and I am starting to like change again!

reposting ...

after posting my previous post today i read my Proverbs 31 Woman devotional... I decided to post it here too for others-- i cant be alone -- right??

I struggle daily lately to not get down on myself. Today I will work hard to try to focus on the positives in my life and not let these thoughts of negativity and 'down on me' thoughts to get the better of me. There is so much going on in my head with not only Sam and TBI but with my dad, my mom, the other 3 children, work, the farm... how can i keep it all from consuming me!? I have been talking ALOT to God these days about stress and other stuff and I have been listening to what he has had to say to me too. There are going to be some big changes coming down the pike for us in the next while. Some maybe not so good but others hopefully better that I hope will help to elevate other stresses. we have to pick and choose our stresses right? Dennis and I sat down yesterday and started making a pros and cons list... the pros list was waaaaaaaaay longer than the cons-- and then we prayed about it. I need to start seeing myself as a priceless princess and look at myself as God sees me. this will not only be good for me but I pray that it will be something that my beautiful daughter will also see and it will encourage her to see herself as one too.
On to the devotional. If you want to recieve daily devo's from Proverbs 31 Women then click here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did...


God's Masterpiece...Who Me?
27 Apr 2009
Melissa Taylor
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)You've got to be kidding me? If I didn't see it for myself in God's Word, I wouldn't believe it. Ephesians 2:10 says "…we are God's masterpiece."Wait a minute, this cannot be right. I don't feel like a masterpiece. I certainly don't look like a masterpiece. But God's Word says that I am a masterpiece. And not just anyone's masterpiece; I am God's masterpiece.According to Merriam-Webster's online thesaurus, synonyms of masterpiece are: showpiece, blockbuster, success, gem, jewel, prize, treasure, and piece of the master. Insert any of these words into today's verse in place of masterpiece.Doesn't it just take your breath away to know that there is Someone that feels this way about you?God loves what He created, so shouldn't we too? I struggle not to get down on myself. Often I focus on what I do wrong more than what I do right. I look in the mirror, compare myself to someone else and I just feel blah. That's right, blah. I wonder, "What's special about me?"It is very hard for me to believe that I am God's masterpiece. Do you have thoughts like these? If so, stop right there! Don't let those lies penetrate any deeper. That's not what our Creator thinks.When I listen to the Truth, which is His Word, not my thoughts, then I hear Him saying things like, "Oh Melissa, you don't always get it right, that's true, but I love you so much. Look in My mirror and see what I see, My beautiful creation, My treasure, My masterpiece.The sooner you see yourself for who you really are, the sooner you can take your reign as My priceless princess with a purpose - My masterpiece. You were created in My image and you are indeed a piece of the Master."Dear Lord, thank You for creating me in Your image and calling me Your masterpiece. Please help me to live like the one You created me to be. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

how...

I wonder how other women handle work, life, kids and whatever else is thrown in? Do their homes look like disaster areas? Do they feel overwhelmed at anything new that 'pops' up? Does change makes them nervous and panicky?(even when they typically LOVE change) Are they able to keep upwith laundry, meals, groceries and other regular chores? Do they find time for themselves? Are they able to keep themselves together when they listen to songs on the radio about how tough, strong and able the woman in the song is?
How does a person know when they are at their breaking point? How does a person say that "i cant take anymore" and be taken seriously and not looked at like they are crazy or just a baby?
How do you know where to make a cut off of stress?

Somedays I feel like I have nothing together and I just wonder how other women cope!?

WHOOO HOOOO

sam just weighed himself and he gained weight!!!!! yippee! He wont be at a safe weight for football season but I am ok with that!
We have a doctor appointment today and have a few things to talk to the doctor about... one is that Sams right knee locked on him the other day and he couldnt get up or move! Dennis was with him when it happened and he said it was locked and he felt it go back when he lifted Sam off the ground... so yet another thing... but SAM GAINED WEIGHT!!!!!!! Hallelujah! I pray it stays and he keeps going up!!!!

in the works... spring, school, life..

YAY! Spring is here! This week has been nice! I have been able to get out to walk and ride my bike even!

The boys have had the dirtbike running and Sam has been on it a few times! The trampoline was flipped back over for use and the kids were on it the other day jumping like they were reaching for the moon- lol .

Today Sam will be staying at home (since it is Wednesday) and resting. I will try to get him out for a walk later too as long as it isnt too windy for us.

Last night we went to a meeting at the school for parents and students to prepare for grade 9. The boys chose their options for next year and got to hear how things were going to be for them. I think they got a bit of an eye opener when Mr. Swanton spoke about what life will be like once they are in high school: homework, maybe a social life, a job, etc. But the kicker was when they were told that they need to make decisions now for the coming years. Something we have been trying to prepare them for for a while now. (so maybe mom and dad aren't as crazy as they thought... ok ok ok they are crazy but only when it comes to the fun stuff! lol)

Mrs.vanK at the school also is trying to get Sam some books on MP3 for him to listen to, so that he can still keep up with work and not get so fatigued when just physically holding a book and reading it... yep that is what i said. READING makes him tired-- imagine how reading makes you tired and multiply it by 10 or so for Sam. His brain struggles to not only read the words but also to comprehend them and put it all together so that it makes sense to him... and then add the fact that he has to physically hold the book... it is no wonder this kid is fatigued so often. Hopefully it is something that will help him next year-- maybe one year of help with his reading and one day off a week and in grade 10 he will be back to a full normal routine.

On Friday last week all the kids went to Dennis mom and dad's to help with making sausages (and dennis and i stayed home to clean, house, yard and shop...sigh) But on Friday Hannah was upset about going. She was very upset. I got Dennis to talk to her but i knew what the issue was and sure enough i was right. hannah is scared to go to the farm. In her 9year old mind, it isnt safe... Josh and Sam were hurt there and she was scared that something might happen again. It broke my heart that she was so worried about it. Dennis talked to her and told her that it was ok to go and that satan was just trying to keep her from going to the farm and enjoying time with her grandparents. He was trying to keep her scared which is where he wants us to be! So she went. I think it is something that will happen for a while with her. She is a worrier that girl.

the prayer group that we started on Friday night went good too -- I think. the ladies all seemed comfortable with each other. I hope so anyway!

OH!!! Exciting news for our house! Dixi had her litter of puppies yesterday. She ahd SEVEN!!! There are 2 females, 5 males and they are adorable!

Have a great day!!

tired...

Lately I have been having more and more feelings of frustration and failure. I am tired, frustrated that people (teachers, doctors, family, etc) dont get what life is for us now. No one sees that Sam is different or if they do they write it off to "teen-dom" or attitude. It is maybe a bit of both in a very small way-- but for the most part it is BRAIN INJURY. I feel like I need to get Sam a shirt that relays this message all the time. When he has an 'attitude' a small correction of "Sam you need to check your attitude." or "Sam do you need to rest?" and usually (like 9 times out of 10) he will says "Ok" or "Yes". And probelm is usually solved. Instead I get people who say "Sam! I dont want to see that ---- or hear that ---- again! You need to grow up !" (fill blank in with an attitude or an action) They dont see the behaviour as a result of his fatigue or need for a self check. Sam is in denial most days that there is anything wrong with him (not that there is something wrong-- but more that he needs to relearn things)
Maybe i dont explain it right. Maybe I am going crazy. Maybe I am over compenstaing... but then wouldnt things be moving in a different direction!?
I dont know what to say or do anymore. I send emails of info constantly to school, to family and home to read and learn more (and hope that someone will see what we are talking about!) but so far ... nothing.
I am not trying to make small or anything of cancer patients or say that i wish Sam had cancer... but one thing that they DO have is that cancer "acceptance" is out there. People will help when they hear cancer, people know about it and if they dont quite understand it , they WILL educate themselves about it. People understand that cancer affects the family too and that they are in it for the long haul. There is hundreds of support groups for cancer patients, survivors, family and friends of them too. There are walks for it, charities for it and there is a worldwide understanding for anyone affected by it. With TBI there is nothing! It affects just as many people as cancer but there is nothing there to help survivors or families.
TBI can be as 'small' as a concussion or as 'large' as complete and total brain damage yet there is very little support out there for us. It is incredibly hard to explain to someone how hard it is to deal with if they dont see anything wrong! Since Sam's accident was 'self inflicted' there is no help finicially for anything (small things like braces to aid in apnea or now his possible teeth troubles, or for a PDA or Ipod to use for school work organization) There is no group to go to for kids that will help us to be a support to other parents who are going thru the same kinds of ordeals. I know we live in rural Manitoba but there has to be something! We have to deal with schools, teachers, employers for jobs, doctors, nurses, families, communities... there should be something out there for us! But so far there is nothing for children with Brain Injuries. I have yet to have a doctor tell me what to expect with his injury. ANYTHING! They all say "he is doing great" after seeing him for the first time for 5 minutes. Yes he is ... when it comes to holding up his arm level, watching a pen or a light, answering a few questions of a simple nature... but to really know how he is doing shouldnt they be seeing him more and actually LISTENING to what I am saying!? We have seen countless doctors for an almost seemingly endless list of things... and all of them we see ONCE so how do they know? Why dont they actually answer my questions, give suggestions, write the needed letters to the schools for us!?

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling like I am failing Sam, tired of making everything seem like it is rosy here. Tired of the fights to get things -- simple things-- for Sam that should be there for him. Tired of telling people that he is doing great physically but then having to explain the mental part and the relearning part and seeing on their face the look of "huh". What if everything I have been doing these past months is all wrong!? What if he needed something else and I missed it? I am just tired, frustated and feeling like a failure... i just dont know what is the right thing for us to do with him anymore. What if we have been wrong all along?

another brick in the wall

I thought this title was appropriate since a post earlier was aboaut songs.... this song was running thru my head today as Samuel went to the orthodontist for his braces today. One more appointment for us (meaning me--selfish eh) to run to! Well I was definitely not disappointed in the area of "SURPRISE" today either -- nothing is ever just cut and dry anymore... not by a long shot.
After Sam's had an xray and his braces were put on the Dr. called me to the office and showed me Sam's xray. He words were a shock to me and made my eyes teared up as he explained to me that it seems that 4-5 of his front top teeth are fractured. The fractures were not there when they last xrayed (before the accident). He said he hoped that the teeth would stay in and hopefully not fall out or cause any other damage but he couldnt be sure of that. The 4-5 that are fractured are injured high enough up that they are not near the gum line but low enough that they can cause problems. He is hoping that since there was no problems wth infection or sensitivity that there will not be any issues-- but he said he cant promise or predict anything... so we will have to wait and see if we are in for with Sams teeth. There were other teeth that had fractures but they are all at the tips of the roots (apparently no real worry there then). The Dr. said that if the teeth cause problems then they will have to come out and sam will have to have false ones until he has stopped growing and forming and they can put in implants... joy joy. we are just praying that the teeth will not cause any issues for Sam (and us) and we can just 'enjoy' the braces...

So how they got fractured is a mystery other than that if it were the accident then he either hit his mouth with the gun as he fell or when he fell his mouth hit the ground... either way the teeth were NOT fractured last year in June but now are.... sigh... just once i would appreciate an appointment with no surprises.

new schedules and spring

Dennis and I met with Sams school today and we have made the decision on our own to keep Sam home on Wednesdays in hopes of winning against this fatigue that is new to our regime! No matter what our week will through at us Wednesdays will be a home day for Sammi. He will rest and hopefully sleep on these days... maybe we can make some progress with other things after we have been doing this after a while.

Our surprise for the kids March break was fabulous! We went to West Ed mall with my mom. She flew us all there (well WestJet did the flying) and put us up in the FantasyLand Hotel for the week.It was a great experience. The kids did the water park, the amusement park, we got caricactures done of us all, old time photos done, and lots of time spent shopping, golfing, eating and relaxing... it was great! They were so surprised by the whole thing!
The kids ate lots of new and interesting foods and lots of sweets! Then we came home to have Easter this weekend and again... more candy/chocolate -- they are all living on a permenant sugar rush for the last 2 weeks....

So we have spent the last week not only catching up on sleep but I have been recouperating from a nasty chest cold. Gotta love travelling-- yuppers I do!

There is not much else new to report on our home front. I wonder some days if keeping this blog anymore is worth it... I feel somedays like all I do is whine on it.

songs that make you think...

As I was coming home yesterday from my second trip to Brandon (first was in the morning with Sam to get his spacers put on for his braces next week) to get Dennis and Isaac their new glasses, I listened to music -- really listened to the words...

Darius Rucker's song "it wont be like this for long" had me in tears. I cried as i listened to it and remembered all those times when dennis and I wondered if we would ever make it thru that period of time... we did. I think it will be my new motto-theme-song for life these days. It is what i need to remind myself of it when we are having our days with the kids (not just Sam but all of them!) It wasnt that long ago that I was a busy mom with 4 kids 5 and under.... now I am a busy mom of 1 girl, 1 tween boy and 2 teen boys. Where did the time go!?

Another song i listened to was "you're gonna miss this" by Trace Atkins (one of my favorite country singers!!!) It was basically a bawlfest all the way home-- thankgoodness for my big "jackie-O" sunglasses--lol



Teary eyes and wet kleenexs aside, lately listening to songs and reading stories and hearing others life stories and with the upcoming season of Easter and all the miracles of Jesus just has been reminding me of how lucky I am to have 4 such wonderful kids, an amazing and loving husband! As a family we are extremely lucky to not only have witnessed a few miracles in our circle but to also have grown closer in the times of stress and issues. I know lots of people do but when you are truely affected by things (and not just things in your life but by those around you too) i think it makes you (or it should make you) step back and reassess what is important in life.