Another night in the Hosp, another letter to you

Sam, it is so hard to believe that right now you and I are back to yet a place we were at over 2 years ago. 

You are sleeping in your hospital bed and I am sitting here watching you sleep. My heart is so sore from emotions that have been running today... My head is aching and yet all I can do is wonder how YOU cope with all that you do...There seems to be a hole in my stomach for what the next step will be in our future...

This morning at 6am Josh woke me up with a frantic voice telling me that he thot you were having a seizure --  I jumped out of bed and ran to your room ...

to find your long thin body twisted and convulsing. Your usual smiley face and deepening voice making gutteral sounds and frothing at the mouth. Your beautiful blue eyes rolled back in your head... I told Joshua to call 9-1-1 and then turned back to you and tried to do what I could ---which was nothing ... until the longest 30-40 seconds of my life passed by.

Dad met Josh at the bottom of the stairs and he called 9-1-1 and Joshua called Granni, so she wouldnt be alarmed at the ambulance coming up our road.

I thot that time passed slowly on the drive to Winnipeg in ’08...this morning it crawled. 

When your seizure was over you just laid in your bed and my ind raced like crazy over everything I was to do and not to do. You would be so proud of your siblings.They handled everything they needed to do so well. They were quiet and calm and extremely helpful.

It took about 15minutes for the ambulance to arrive and just before they did, you came to and were wondering what was going on. Dad was sitting beside your bed and the furniture was all moved and a few moments later in come 2 strange men. I know you know all of this but I want to record it here (I am typing this on my computer now and I will post it later on the blog) so that you know how things happened. 

Since this was your first ever seizure the EMT’s agreed that it would be best to ride to the hospital in the ambulance -- in case you seizure again--  but thankfully you didnt.

Now you lay in the ICU bed again and I am marveling at your strength and resilience at this whole ordeal. You have been charming and polite with the medical staff, caring and thotful with dad and I... you are still my hero Sam.

I sit here and a million things go thru my head. I want to bargain with God to let me take your place, I want to be mad at Him for making you ... and us all... go thru this. But I know there is a reason for it... I want to cry, scream and just throw things. But instead I will sit here and type out my emotions here and I pray for you, me, dad, Josh, Isaac and Hannah. What if this means you are not able to play football? What if you will not be able to got your pilots license? What if you have another seizure in the next month, will you be able to go for your license in October? Will you still be able to handle going to Air Cadet Camp  Alberta? Will I be able to handle you going to camp? I have been mentally making future arrangements for us to go to Wpg for appointments (we already know that  there will be a CT Scan in the near future and other dr. appointments with neurologists)Did I miss something this time around with this? Was there a warning sign? Can I be strong enough to be who you need as we go thru with this? 

I hope you know Sam how much you are loved and being prayed for at this time. We have friends and family that are praying and sending you well wishes. I am praying for you, I am praying for me and I feel so guilty and selfish for saying that. But I want to be the mom you are going to need as we travel this new road, and I know I am going to need all the strength that He can give me to be that mom.

Members Statement by Stu Briese

This is the Members Statement that Stu Briese (our local MLA) took to parliament in Nov'10.
I have omitted the corrections that were in his actual speech (misspoken words etc).
I am deeply touched that Stu did this, among other things, for our family at this time and for the things he offered to us during our stay in Winnipeg at the hospital. It is encouraging for me to know that there are politicians  out there that ARE aware of BI's and the struggles that the survivor and the families face.
Now to get this awareness out more into main stream society.... I am working on it!!

SAM GINTER

Mr. Speaker, in the summer of 2008, Sam Ginter recieved and accidental gunshot wound to the head while he and his brother were tarfet shooting. Sam's grandparents rushed hi to Neepawa hospital. When it iwas discovered that his injury was extremely serious, he was immediately taken to Winnipeg. After four hours in surgery and several days in recovery, Sam was sent home, While he still looks like an ordinary teenage boy, he lives with a traumatic brain injury that create a unique set of challenges for Sam.

throughout his recovery period, Sam has been bright and optimistic. Eeven immediately after his surgery he enjoyed talkig to his family and as in high spirits. After coming home, Sam began the recovery process and satarted setting goals for himself to master. The first was to start going to school by himself in November. After several months of attending  school part-time with the help of a peer tutor, he worked hard and by November he had reached his goal.

Another goal was to go to the Banjo Bowl that his family had tickets for. sam was determined  to walk up the stadium stairs  to his seat and with determination, he made it all the way up. Throughout his recovery, Sam has been setting goals and reaching beyond them.

Sam has had tremendous support from his family; they've come up with creative ways  to help him through the recovery period. Using tools like the Nintendo DS and other games, he works on fine motor skills. He does word searches and sed te iPod touch to work on organizational skills.  Because  the connectinos in his brain need to be remade, he has to re-understand things that he may have already known.Some of the challenges he faces may appear to be common traits but his family understand it  is heightened because of the injury and they are very supportive of Sam in his continued recovery.

I want to congratulated this courageous young man and his family for working through the difficult times that brain injuries present. In May I attended the Air Cadet awards evening, and I was thrilled to see Sam receive one of the awards. Because of his bright spirit and determination and with the help of his family, Sam is enjoying life and is an inspiration for many others who are struggling with brain injuries. Thank you.

Limitations

Sam is an air cadet... wait let me rephrase that... Sam is a Flight Sgt. in air cadets. That means he is serious about air cadets. he has been promoted a few times and once he was promoted TWICE in one year! AND that happened to be the year after his accident! Amazing eh!?
He has also been to cadet camp 2 times since the accident, has participated in almost EVERY activity and is on the drill team. He has marched indoors, outdoors, carried stuff n  his back, traveled distances, ate military food, and now that he is a Flt. Sgt. he is in charge some days of organizing activities and what not.
All this is amazing as we (Dennis and I) feel that it was partly because of air cadets that Sam's recovery was as fast and amazing as it was/is! He was treated like everyone else, he used his combat boots to help him to walk (they were very heavy) and to build up his muscles in his legs.
Sam also is on the football team. He plays on the offensive line as a half back.
He is in school full time, granted he just returned to full time this year...but still.
He works on the farm driving tractors, quads, trucks, etc. He helps with all farm work-- calving, chores, fencing, baling, feeding cattle, etc. He is a normal kid for the most part with a few areas of 'issue' that we deal with as it is necessary!

I am writing all this awesome stuff down because he has applied again for cadet camp this summer and I had to fill out all the necessary paper work. Which resulted in a letter coming home to us from the Royal Canadian Air Cadets Head Office (the military basically). The letter was about Sam's medical summary.
Here it is:

-must be within 30 minutes of a physician
-unable to board a small watercraft
-unable to go swimming
-unable to participate in underwater activities
-unable to participate in field training or exercise
-unable to participate in hiking, trekking or climbing
-unable to carry a rucksack or lift heavy loads
-unable to participate in a high altitude activity
-unable to participate in sports or PT
-unable to participate in drill and parades
- unable to fire a rifle or handle explosive devices
-unable to fly an aircraft
-unable to work high above ground
-unable to participate in a ship deployment
-may participate in sports and PT at own pace
-unable to jump with a parachute
-unable to do significant classroom work or studies
-unable to remain alert or vigilant
-requires extra assistance
-requires close supervision
-should wear medic alert bracelet

I finally -- after 3 days of phoning-- got it sorted out and it was explained that there is a new computer system that just starts adding limitations with certain 'issues' the CWO that I spoke too told me that there was actually 126 limitations on Sam! I had to laugh as I told him about most of the ones I was looking at! No sports!? He is a FOOTBALL player! No jumping with a parachute!? So we just shove him out the plane and hope for the best!? lol
The CWO felt bad about it but when I explained Sam's story and situation now he laughed too and I told him that if for nothing else we all had a great giggle over it all! Sam sat and shook his head over the 'limitations' and laughed at no rifles or explosives... he was right back to hunting the fall after his accident!

Some of these are so funny that we are thinking of framing the letter for future giggles!☺


BTW-- ALL the limitations were removed except for wearing a medic alert bracelet!

Me!? Give a speech?!

Ya.. I know! Probably the same thing I thot when I was asked! "Are you sure you want me to talk!?"
I know I gave a talk with the Parent Council but this time is it different...
First I knew most  of those people...
Second, it is a college class of nurses...
In an actual college...
with nurses...
I am trying to wrap my head around it.
I was asked to be a guest speaker to this class and talk about the caregivers end of things. What we think, go thru... you know the stuff that they can't really teach.
My mouth said YES before my brain caught up to it! ☺
I am not worried about it per se, more apprehensive about what they will think of me and my stories... sigh
Honestly I still get a bit worried that people will think I am a complete idiot AND a bad mom for letting it all happen.

Anyhow, it will be in May and so I have lots of time to sit and think about what I am going to say. I am going write it all out and possibly make a PowerPoint Presentation to go with it... we will see what kind of time and creativity I can come up with before calving season starts!

Has anyone reading this life story learned something that they really never knew or were able to use with other survivors or caregivers? Have I wrote anything that made you go "wow!"? Any prayers, thots and/or ideas for this is greatly welcome.

Teens, young adults and thot processes

Just when I thot my biggest worries were that of Sam, Josh pulls a dumb ass...
If you remember back to a few short weeks ago, my son got his license. YAY for us! Someone to help with driving on and off the farm.He is a very responsible kid, hard working, blah blah blah...
but he IS a 16yr old boy and that should trump it all!
On Sat. night we let him take the car to Neepawa with a 'friend' to go to the movies...
sigh... I was leery about letting them go for a few reasons. One, the 'friend' has a habit of getting into trouble (alcohol, drugs, fights, etc) and while Josh may hang with him at school, this kid has never been to our house or vice versa. BUT we know his parents and they were happy to have their son going out with our responsible son...and we thot "ok we trust our kid and we can only let him go out and trust he will make smart choices"
WRONG!
Not only did he NOT make good choices but the ones he did make were extremely STUPID! It apparently all started on the Thursday before when Josh went to his cousins house while waiting for his brothers to be done at cadets... and he got the cousin to buy a 15 pack of beer for him and his friends for Sat. night.
Then after he picked up friend #1 he proceeded to pick up a friend#2 (female). I have no issue with the girl except for the rumours I have heard about her... not nice. They all then went to cousins house and in 1.5 hours my son drank 2 beer  and the 3 'friends' left the cousins house with the remaining 5 beer -- of 15...
Then they DROVE around town for a few hours. Josh then dropped friend#1 at where he was to be staying the night and took friend #2 home too. Then continued home... 30 miles on roads that were that earlier day closed due snow and ice.
He was home 10minutes earlier than curfew with a mouth full of fresh minty gum, talking a mile a minute and wide eyes.
On Monday when we had a full idea of the whole story of what went on, we confronted him with it. First there were lies, then half truths then most of the story came out. I would like to say that we handled it all calmly and ever so cooly, but that would be a lie.
I flipped...
I had him remind me of the ast thing we told him when he walked out the door

"IF you have ANY alcohol, you CALL us and we will come and get you."
"No alcohol in the vehicle"
"BE SAFE"

These are the instructions we gave him... and he ignored them all.
His  cousin then proceeds to put the blame and onus on me that I need to look into his friend that he was with as they were not the best role models...(yet SHE bought them the alcohol) SHE thot he could handle driving after 2 beers yet I need to choose his friends... He is under a license probation for 36 months after getting his license-- ZERO tolerance for alcohol! ZERO--- that means NOTHING for alcohol when you are behind the wheel! And she he HE COULD HANDLE DRIVING! I am not blaming the cousin for josh's drinking but I was disappointed to know that she would have rather let him drink and drive than call us to tell us that he was drinking and we would have gone to get him. He made some VERY poor choices

Then we have another cousin and friends that are fueling the fire that we as parents do not have the right to take his cell phone from him because he paid for it... we do not have the RIGHT!? And that their parents never took anything from them and they drove wasted before!
Yep... great role models. We have taken his phone and license for 2 months. Which is nothing compared to what would have happened if he had been pulled over by the police. He would have been charged with stuff and lost his license for a MINIMUM of 1 year and then have to start all over again!

So for now I am back to being a chauffeur for cadets and football, Dennis is driving to and from the bus and Josh is not allowed even in a tractor, on a dirt bike or quad. He has the job of explaining to his grandparents why he is not driving and the whole story and if they choose to give him a bit of what for he will have to stay and listen. He is going to be an active member of this family (not hiding in his room) and he will be polite and engaging with us all or there will be another week added for every time he steps out of line. He is going to have to learn that is is HIS fault he is in the mess he is in. The cousins I am sure will get a bit of an ear full at the next family meal at the grandparents but it will roll off them like water on a ducks back.
Seriously not impressed with our son right now. But I did assure him that I loved him and he just has to stop digging the hole he is in and look at how to get out of it because it is just that HIS hole.

I am exhausted from the few days of stress ...

And here I had been really working on me and getting rid of the stress that I have accumulated over the last few years. But then as hubby reminded me, we have 3 more teens to get thru too ...
 sigh, why couldnt teen years be like the fun baby stages ...
when they were small and cute ...

and liked you!?

is this it?

2 weeks ago I met with the counselor at the boys school and the youth mental health counselor -- Barb, from the Health Unit...
Sam's first visit with barb is today after lunch. I think he is ok with it but who knows anymore...
Josh will be meeting with the school counselor -- we figured for now 'if it ain't broke...' but ever since I told Josh I would have having the meeting he would ask when it was... like almost everyday...
Now since the meeting he knows who he will be talking with and asks daily when it will be... finally yesterday i told him that if he needs to talk to go to Mr. Swanton on his own. Its ok to do that.  So he said he might...
This kind of makes Dennis and I wonder...
What is on his mind?
Does it have anything to do with the accident?
Or is it an unrelated issue?
Josh is the 'strong silent' type of guy. He won't tell you anything unless you p-u-l-l it out of him. This is good when it comes to the fact that he is not a whiner about stuff, but when there is stuff -- it is hard to get it out of him....
but when it does pile up...
look out.
He is emotional and it is hard to believe that he held it all in so long...
Today is a day where I am FINALLY home -- all day! So I will spend it cleaning, doing laundry, working on my ecourse and praying for my boys today.

I wonder if this is what I have been feeling has been coming?

All I can do is pray

that GUT feeling...

I have been struggling again to post on here.
It seems some days as if there is so much going on and then in a flash it seems like it is silly to even write about it... I am not sure where or how to start...
or what to say...
But it feels like there is something brewing...
just that deep-down-in-my-gut-things-are-not-quite-right feeling that I hope is just 'Albert' (my stomach issue) and not something else.
I just got back from a weekend away at a friends house in Moose Jaw. I can't tell Dennis just how much I needed that trip.
I needed to be away from everything that is pulling me down in the atmosphere of our home... mostly because I can't explain it.
It is a strange feeling and maybe it is just me...
Everyone seems to be happy but there is something else...
So I do what I usually do and smile and trudge along with it...
I never once this weekend needed my cayenne pepper pills or the apple cider vinegar but as we got closer to the border my stomach started acting up... and it was such a surprise that it did. Well sort of.... I did take an apple cider vinegar tea for the road in anticipation of something but honestly the ride was so nice and relaxing (I had Hannah gurl with me) that I really didn't think I would need it...
BUT
I did...
I felt that ball...
deep in my stomach...
a tightening in my chest...
I had to resist the urge to cry quite a few times...

I am tired of this feeling
I don't know what to do any more
for anyone
let alone me

Something exciting!

Our oldest, Joshua got his drivers license yesterday! YAY JOSH!
This is jusst as exciting for me as it is for him!
I have someone else to share the driving with! ☺
Josh can now drive everyone to the bus in the morning (we live 5miles from their school bus stop) AND bring them home! He can also take the boys on Thursday nights to cadets if I can't make it!
sigh...
I am thinking that maybe tomorrow when Sam and Zac get home from Morden that maybe Josh will go and pick them up -- they don't know that Josh got his license yet, so they will be very excited for him!

Now the next one...Sam will be going for his learners in June-ish...
oh boy! ☺

STILL recovering

This, of course, is just my (and Dennis') perception of things but Sam is still recuperating from his TBI...ummm, yes, STILL. But then when you think of it... he still has 3 small fragments in his brain.
3 small pieces of the single bullet that entered his skull...
(I still have troubles with typing that -- especially after this week)

anyhow, back to my thot process...
Sam had exams this week on Monday and Tuesday. He also went to school on Wednesday to finish some work in Woods class. Then he was home sick yesterday (he missed cadets last night), and today he went into town to his gf house for the afternoon and to wait to leave on a weekend trip with cadets. They are heading to Morden for some fun with the Morden cadets.
We had a talk with him yesterday about having to take ownership of his recovery and that we can't make ALL his decisions about things. He is going to have to learn to watch for his own health issues at some point and what better time to learn about this while at home where we can help him in seeing things. We talked about how he was going to be having an incredibly busy semester now with a heavy academic load and spring football and cadets (nt to mention calving and other spring farm work) So HE made the decision about not going to cadets last night so he could stay home, sleep, rest, drink lots of tea and rest some more! (I was so proud that he took that step!)
He woke up this morning feeling and sounding MUCH better than he did last night, and so off to town we went. On our way to town he says to me,"Mom, my face is doing it again!" and as I turn to look at him the left side of his face is twitching uncontrollably. This went on for about a minute after he told me  (and I forgot to ask him how long it had been b4 he told me!).
I started thinking that with it being the left side of his face, and YES this has happened before, that must mean there is some recovery stuff going on in the right side of his brain (where the bullet entered and the fragments sit). So even 2.5 years after the accident we are still dealing with recovery issues, which again brought to mind (I am feeling a bit like the Mouse in the children's book "If you give a mouse a cookie..")that this is what we have been trying to get thru to the school.
He is still recovering!
He is still having fatigue issues!
We are still working on sleep issues!
But no one but us really seem to see these facts...
Sam is a miracle kid, but there is still a struggle that he is going to have for not only a few months but most possibly his entire life.
He may look fine on the outside but there are still things working to  fix itself on the inside...

There is another area or issue that I deal with...
When do I, as his mom and caregiver, stop having to wondering if I should be writing this down, watching for this or that, if that is just a normal reaction/teen issue/ life issue or part of the TBI... what if I don't catch something and it turns out to be something that I should have? What if I am worrying about thing that are normal and nothing to do with TBI? When can I stop second guessing every move or thot I have!?

so ...
for now...
I will mark down the week and his twitching and see if it coincides with tiredness or anything else and then let a doctor know.... and see what they say...

regrouping...

 I have decided to  go about a lot of stress areas in our home from a different angle.
In regards to Thursday nights with dad --
~ I will be going to a zumba class each evening for the next 6 weeks before I go to visit him. I am hoping this will put me in a better/healthier frame of mind.
~I have asked Joshua that once he has his license (he goes for it on Feb 4  and we are all praying that he gets it!) that he will take time when he has the car to stop in and visit. I am hoping this will take the stress of me being there every week and I will not be his only visitor.
~ I will be praying before going in that dad is in a positive frame of mind and that I will not take his indifference to me as an insult or take it personally.

In regards to Sam and his issues --
~ We are giving him more responsibilities for his future in hope he will start to take ownership of it.
~ We are praying for his emotional healing and the ability to hopefully 'catch up' to other kids in his grade -- when it comes to emotional health, social health and overall well being.
~ We are having him make a more pro active stand on his future education. He needs to choose his courses and his extra curricular activities and deal with the consequences of late nights, missed school work, football etc. in his planning of things.

With everything else that is going on in our home ... I am just giving it all to God. I am at a place right now where I am under too much stress and I am in constant pain and irritation with my stomach. I need to focus on my health for now and let some things (that aren't within my control) go... so this
is
me
letting
go....



God, they are your troubles now. I am giving them all to You and I am letting go. Thank You for that!

Thursday nights

On Thursday nights I usually go to my dad's to sit and watch t.v. and have coffee/tea and visit with him.
Dennis comes sometimes but our schedule has now changed and it is harder for him to come with me and I miss it.
Dennis is a buffer between me and my dad.
I hate saying that.
But Dennis is the padding that keeps me from falling apart when my dad doesn't know me
or when he scowls
or when he tries to bite
And the last few weeks I have gone on my own
And dad hasn't known me...
This morning I had a call from the PCH and they needed to send him to the hospital for a Dilantin test because he has been seizuring/tremoring a lot more than usual. I hope to be able to talk to someone about the results of that testing tomorrow. But with everything else that is happening in our lives sometimes visiting with dad is incredibly hard.
And then the guilt...
if I were a good daughter I would go and be happy and smile
if I were a good daughter I wouldn't feel like crying whenever he looks at me
if I were a good daughter I would be able to handle all the issues that keep popping up
if I were a good daughter
I wouldn't want to stay home on Thursdays

That was part of my day today...

Yesterday was this... 

Speaking with a Child/Adolescent Mental Health worker and then trying to make sense of our
conversation today...
and to figure out how to share this information with the school so we can get Sam's classes for the next 2.5 years sorted out. Trying to figure out how to get the school to understand what a brain injury is and where we are at in the survival end of it all...
The worker has sent our file to Mental Health so that we can individually and possibly collectively work on the trauma our family had/has experienced. A bit late I think but then better late than never?
She made a comment to me about the things I told her and she said "you are an amazing woman! You are doing so well with it all and with everything you have had thrown at you..." she kept going on about 'how amazing' I was and I wanted to yell at her to stop! I am not amazing. I am barely keeping it all together most days. I am no amazing, I need a buffer for when I visit my dad! I cry at the stupidest things, I look at myself and wonder what the heck am I doing!?

I miss my friend...

Tonight Hannah and I went to see dad and when we got there it was happy hour. So we stayed and visited with day in the common rec room.
He drank his beer.
I talked he mumbled...
Then I started to sing along with the music that was playing -- Crystal Gale, Kenny Rogers, Don Williams and dad was singing with me!
So I started to dance with him... I held his hands and had my feet on either side of his footrest on the wheelchair and I moved him back and forth....
I can't even honestly remember the last time my dad and I sang. The last time we danced was most likely my wedding in '93.
Singing with dad took me back in time...
I was 10 sitting cross legged on the 'dog house' of one of the cab over trucks he was driving.
We were driving into the dark black night
We were singing to all the 'classics" (well they are classics now...)
I could almost smell the semi, the gas...
I could hear my dad singing...
The engine roaring beneath my bum on the 'dog house'...
I wanted to cry.
Since dad's accident (going on 15 years) I haven't had a lot of really close moments like that since most of the time he doesn't know me...
But for about 10minutes tonight I did...
Then just as fast as he was there...
he was gone again...
Then the glaring looks started, and the mumbling, and then the final grunt and nothing...
Hannah and I went back to his room shortly after and just waited out our time...
The aides brought dad back to his room and got him into bed and I thot maybe then he would return
but no
just the looks and now silence
so I continued to chirp away and talk with him
but inside I was crying.
With everything that has happened in the last 2 years I just wanted to talk to him
my old friend
my daddy
...
The drive home was quiet with the kids and I drove in silence trying so hard to not burst into tears.
I feel like I am 6 now and just want to yell
"I WANT MY DADDY!"
But I don't.
I won't.
I can'.t
All I do is smile and get on with life...
What is anyone going to do?

Nothing.

There is nothing anyone can do...
Or anything they can say...
So why bother saying anything...

And all the while Albert (the ulcer issue) is singing and dancing in my stomach...at least someone is happy

ahh me nerves!!

I have just put the finishing bit on my 'bloggin' for Lash &Associates and I am nervous as all get out!
What if it isnt what they want?!
What if people think I am talking non-sense?!
What if NO ONE reads it!?
Well that last one I dont think will bother me too much because really who but me and a few people read my blather!? ☺

The last week has been just 'peachy' with Samuel. he has been going either a mile a minute or beating the heck outta someone ... and the language... sigh... we are now trying a new tactic. Swearing will result in loss of telephone privileges .. so we will see if that helps.
Honestly this whole 'relationship' thing with him is stressing him to no end. He just isn't ready for one I don't think. But how do you tell a teen that they can't!? Especially when we live 30miles from the school. We can take away phone and computer privileges but how do we control what happens at school during 8.30am-3.30pm? We have talked til we are blue in the face (and you would think that THAT alone would cause him to think things thru ...)
I know that this is normal for teens and blah blah blah but there is a difference. I am not going to go into details but when your child is stressed AND losing weight, not sleeping, mood swings that effect the entire house... its not good. I can hear some people saying "oh is THAT all!? that is just normal teen stuff" but TRUST ME on this one... there is more to it.
I was hoping to get started on some 'me things' in this new year ... and I know it is not even 2 weeks in) but so far I have been too stressed to really concentrate on it the way I was hoping. I can't seem to get my head into the right frame to even figure out seemingly simple creative issues (I have been trying to work on a watermark for my photos and a logo-- and how to put them on my photos)
but I am
just.
not.
there.
I need to get Sam into a better place first... but then I think if I keep putting my interests on hold will there be any interests there when I finally get the time!? Don't I need time for me to recharge so I can help all of the house better!?
I have to admit (and I feel like a real horrible daughter to say this) but the last 2 visits with my dad have been STRESSFUL for me and I have been glad to go home... I just want to be able to sit and cry on my dad's shoulder about everything that has happened in the last 2 years but I can't. He was who I used to tell everything to! And with it being Christmas my memories were filled with our last Christmas together and how excited he was to see and hold Sam. I couldn't pull myself out of that funk this year.
Maybe it IS more me right now but I can honestly say that I am feeling tired of being strong and being the one that helps everyone else out of their issues.
I think ...
it may be time to head back to counseling...

New Year ... New Challenges

for me this time!! I am going to be a writer blogger for Lash Publishing and Associates! I had gotten some  pamphlets from the conference in Dauphin back in May and had looked them up and found that they had blog postings and stuff on thier site... so I emailed and asked if I could get put on the list...and lo and behold if they didn't get back to me and ask if I would like to write a 'blurb' sharing our story every month or so!
Sooooooooo... as of today it was official and I was 'welcomed aboard' to the Lash & Assoc. family!
This means that I will just be submitting a blog like article once or twice a month. I am quite excited to do this for a few reasons. One being maybe I can help someone else who is a caregiver to a survivor (I have experience with a few different levels of TBI), two it MAY just bring a bit more public awareness out about brain injury and three it may bring more traffic to my blog here that may help in both the first and second reasons!
I am also going to be working on doing more with my photography this year. Try to focus on something for me this yea and not so much revolving around everyone else. In the past few years I have really felt lost and not myself and it is time to get back to finding me and who I am before I am totally gone! So here is to the New Year and all the new and wondrous challenges that are ahead of all of us! Maybe once I am focusing on me a bit more I can see more of what is happening with Sam, Dennis and my dad!

Happy New Year!!!

ARGGGHHH!

Somedays I just want to scream! This morning I sat here and typed out my posting for today -- for a half an hour -- and it said it was saving and then it blipped and BAM! my posting was gone! Nothing in the editing area either...sigh... I just wanted to cry.

It was that it is once again Christmas Eve and once I again I am not of any Christmas spirit. Since Sam's accident things tend to get very stressful here. The noise and busy-ness of the world tend to make Sam irritable, not sleep and just plan grouchy...which makes life for not only me but the rest of the house grouchy and touchy...
With society putting more and more emphasis every year on the "holidays" and not the true meaning of Christmas -- Christ's ultimate gift of Life -- we struggle to  help our kids to fully understand this. And it makes things more difficult for Sam who struggles with things anyway.
This year we are doing things a little different and the kids drew names and they are to make a gift of the heart for the name they drew -- make something, give thier time for something for someone else, etc.  They seem to have had fun with this. we also are not focusing on presents-- but on Christ's gift to the world, spending time together as a family and relaxing. So no big turkey (as we had stopped doing that years ago) pizza and pj's instead! I hope it helps to get Sam back into a right frame of mind --- and me too!
We received a letter last week from Winnipeg on another psych eval for Sam. It was just to let us know that they will be contacting us in the near future for an appt... so wait, wait, wait.
Joshua also has been to the doctors of late -- he has been having troubles with shakiness in his hands. He went for blood work last week and we are waiting for those results. If they are clear we will be going to a neurologist for testing -- but something the doctor asked Josh is if there was any stress issues he is dealing with. The last 2 years Josh has started a nervous habit of shaking his hand or his foot --ever since July29/08.
when I arrived at the hospital Joshua told me what he saw happen: He turned to see Sam lift the gun up to shoot, he saw Sam get hit in the head with the scope and then fall over... "and then there was so much blood mom" (I will NEVER forget those words or the look on my son's face) Josh had seen Sam get shot but now does not remember it. We have spoken to him about it (what he saw), what he was thinking, we have had them both walk us thru the day up until that moment and never once does he repeat the story he told me at the hospital. Now he says he turned and saw Sam laying on the ground...he doesnt even remeber hearing the gun go off. we have asked if he and Sam were gooffing around, if they wre fighting, if he made promises to God ... his memory of that day is good until the point where Sam got shot...
So we will be looking in the New Year for someone to help Josh too because we wonder if he has (which would be NO surprise) unresolved issues or something.

I am not complaining here or whining (I hope it isnt going to come across as that anyway!) but just when a person would think that things are starting to get to where it isnt a "big" thing anymore... BAM! I am still struggling with what to say to people when they ask how we are doing, because for the most part all they really want to hear anyway is that we are "fine" so it is easier to tell them that. If I tell them more I get "oh typical teen behaviour" BS that makes me want to smack someone! (I seriously wonder what people say to cancer patient parents when they  talk about their children and their issues with them... are they as cold and callous?  Do they comment that 'oh don't worry! this too shall pass?' or 'oh don't worry they will grow out of it'.... sigh
I have had people ask me how they can pray for my family and I have finally found the answer!
Please pray for psychological healing for us all, for help to be found that will aid in this healing and for people to be more understanding to our situation and not be so lackadaisical in their comments or responses towards us.

Merry Christmas everyone....

My 30 day challenge -- at Day 21

Something I wish I could forget... July 29, 2008
The day my second son Samuel was shot in the head with a .22
It was a total freak accident and he is doing amazingly
but I still wish I could forget
It is so still all encompassing and all consuming of our lives
And will be for the rest of it
This picture was taken on my cell phone about 4 days after
We had just moved to CK-3 ward
The left side of Sam's face was still paralyzed
He was still very tired
We still thought we were in Winnipeg for a long haul
And when he gets really tired and stressed this lopsided smile will return
He doesn't even remember this picture
And I can't forget it
This picture stops my heart and makes my catch my breath and tears come so very readily
I can smell the hospital
I can hear the noises
I can feel the fear that was still in my heart that I may lose my baby
Then I usually look over at Sam now and it all disappears
And he is with us

This is from my other blog andinmycorner ... it is a 30day  photo/life challenge. I found this picture the other day and realized I had never posted it here. So I decided share....

The most wonderful time of the year!? are you kidding me!?!

I think it is the time of year or something... between Sam and his up and down emotions (well that may be because he is a teen with a BI) and Dennis and his highs and lows... then my dad and his irratic moods... I just want to either scream and yell or sit and cry.
I was visiting with my dad last week (like I usually do on Thursday evenings when the boys are at cadets) and when I went in to see him I was not Jodi... again. I was Lois or Millie (his sisters) or some other name of people I don't know. I try to giggle with him about it but some days it just hurts. I want to just cry and yell and ask "Why!? Why don't you ever know me!?" He will recognize other people easily but not me. He will almost always know Dennis... and my mom and his other family members... but not me. I try to tease him that he has forgotten me but really it just kills me. I am his only child.... his ONLY daughter... and he rarely knows my name. He was not at my wedding and he will argue with me that he was NOT there... and yet he was at Dennis' wedding-- but I was not the bride.
That was last week...
And then there is this lovely issue of teen-dom. Stress of things is starting to take its toll on Sam. He has lost 6 pounds, he isn't sleeping well and he is grouchy a lot. With the Christmas holidays coming and our house being busier with visitors, parties (we just had a surprise party for my mom's 60th), Sam's birthday is on the 16th of this month... he seems to be more tired and less happy. 2 weeks ago I got a glimpse of my old Sam (before the accident) and I had to really work hard to not cry when I did. We were traveling to say goodbye to our friends who were out for a visit from New Zealand and Sam and I had the radio cranked and we were singing loudly and laughing... he hasn't done that in so long. We used to always sing in the car -- then there was the accident and the loud music was too much for him, then the music was just too much (different ranges of tones i think) then when he was finally starting to get used to things and settle into his new personality-- he gets a cell phone. The cell phone was bought for emergency purposes but since he is still a teen it became more of an extension of his arm and his ear.
It started to cause a great deal of stress in his life...which in turn caused him to lose sleep, not eat, and now that we have weighed in -- lose weight (I know only 6lbs... but he is so skinny to begin with that 6 lbs is huge on his frame!) Thankfully we were smart enough to only get a pay as you go phone for him and now he is out of minutes and he has no money so his phone will sit on the counter for a long while until he can learn to handle the stress of a cell phone.  We are starting to see glimpses of the old Sam now that there is no extra appendages on his hand ☺ but he is still tired and out of sorts since there is so much of everything else going on too.
I will keep on praying for both dad and Sam...

Brain Injury Essay

The following write up was done by a local teacher (and our past daycare provider/neighbour/friend). She did a paper for her course on Brain Injury. Just thought I would share it with everyone! Enjoy and thanks again Cheryl!!!

 

UNDERSTANDING EXCEPTIONALITIES

Understanding Exceptionalities in the 21^st Century: Chapter Fourteen

“Portfolio Submission”

Cheryl Beaumont

Brandon University

Understanding Exceptionalities in the 21^st Century: Chapter Fourteen

            Canadian children enjoy sledding down hills, playing hockey, riding bicycles, and riding in vehicles. These everyday activities can result in traumatic brain injuries. Traumatic brain injuries occur when a person’s brain receives a rapid acceleration or deceleration which results in tearing, bruising, or swelling of the brain (Hardman, Drew, & Egan, 2011). Although, car accidents are a major cause of serious head injury, children can also fall, get hurt when playing sports, or be physically assaulted (CBC News, 2009). Once someone has had a previous brain trauma, they are more susceptible to more serious consequences if they have another.

            The four main types of traumatic brain injuries include: concussions (a brain injury that is characterized by temporary loss on consciousness with amnesia, weakness on one side of the body, dilated pupils, or vomiting), contusions (bruising, swelling or laceration of the brain), skull fractures (broken skull bones), and hematoma (a blood clot caused by a blow to the brain) (Hardman, Drew, & Egan, 2011; CBC News, 2009). A brain injury may negatively affect a student’s educational performance.

            As educators, classroom teachers are members of the student support team. The student must be prepared for the demands of returning to school. Many teachers who receive these students are not adequately prepared to respond to their cognitive (decreased attention, memory deficits, poor concentration, etc.), academic (poor organizational skills, difficulties maintaining school demands, etc), and behavioral (social isolation, inability to prevent socially inappropriate behaviors, difficulties with relationships, etc.) needs (Hardman, Drew, & Egan, 2011). Brain injuries can affect every aspect of a person’s life; however, often without any visible physical symptoms (Manitoba Brain Injury Association, n.d.). This mismatch can lead people to overlook the disability and to misinterpret the behaviors as an individual’s shortcoming.

An unexpected brain injury occurred in small town Manitoba when a boy was injured from a self inflicted bullet from a .22 caliber rifle (Ginter, 2010). The bullet entered into his head and pierced through three lobes of his brain. The bullet remains there as it would be more traumatic to remove it. After surgery, he had a breathing tube, IVs, a pressure monitor, and monitors stuck to his chest and back to monitor his vitals. July 29, 2008 changed their family forever.

Two years after the injury, the parents of this child still have many obstacles to overcome as their child enters into the high school world where adolescents want to fit in and not be perceived as different or special (Ginter, 2010b). It is a time where their son’s tendency to act inappropriately is more than just a normal hormonal teenager figuring out his identity. It is a time of relearning how to act, relearning how to be organized, relearning how to be himself.

It is unrealistic to surmise what this child would have been like without the brain injury. What is important is that all educators being diligent to understand how a brain injury can affect a student’s learning and realizing that each student requires a unique educational plan that plans for success. The educational plan must be conscious of the student’s abilities, talents, and capabilities. Students that have brain injuries require educators to educate them, despite their differences.       

References

CBC News. (2009). In depth health: Head injuries. Retrieved on December 5, 2010, from 

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/03/17/f-head-injuries.html

Ginter, J. (2010a). Brain injuries [Presentation]. Neepawa, MB.

Ginter, J. (2010b). Brain injuries [Interview]. Neepawa, MB.

Hardman, M. L., Drew, C. J., Egan, M. W. (2011). Human Exceptionality: School,

Community, and Family (10th Ed.). Toronto, ON, CAN: Allyn & Bacon.

Manitoba Brain Injury Association. (n.d.). About brain injury. Retrieved December 5, 2010,

from http://mbia.ca/wp/?page_id=8

the big one....

When the brain injury occurs after birth, yet during the developmental years, the adolescent period will still have the usual changes. However, the issues may be somewhat different depending on the level of learning, life experience and cognitive preservation. All adolescents experience some degree of cognitive change as a normal consequence of hormonal changes, such as:

•  poor problem solving and judgment
•  impaired reasoning skills 
•  memory and attention difficulties
•  mood swings
•  disinhibited thought and actions, an inability to judge what is private and what may be appropriate in public settings
•  inability to read social cues from others and poor ability to manage relationships

These common problems may be magnified as a result of brain injury, making management very difficult for parents as well as extended family, teachers and peers whom, for lack of understanding, often choose to distance themselves from the adolescent. 

Barton, B, Tepper, M. Adolescence, Brain Injury, and Sexuality: Promoting Sexual Health. Brain Injury/Professional. 7(1) 18-20, 2010.

http://www.lapublishing.com/blog/2010/adolescence-brain-injury-sexuality/
Notice the BOLDED italics!? Basically what I have been trying to get people to understand just in general about living with a teen with a TBI... sigh 

So basically I have been blind sided again. I had thought that maybe things were going better for us, then we have had a major smack up the head from the adolescence fairy. Teen issues are bad enough but now we are once again having to decipher if it is just that or a TBI issue. I am so tired both physically AND emotionally just from one child... I have to really struggle some days to find the energy to be there for the rest of the kids. The above article's last paragraph did make me laugh tho... people often choose to distance themselves from the adolescent!? Some days I seriously wish I could!

But then the poem " the Footprints in the Sand"poem comes to mind...

ONE NIGHT I DREAMED A DREAM

I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.

“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I needed You most,
You leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
it was then that I carried you.”

Margaret Fishback Powers

I really feel that kids today are allowed too much freedom for EVERYTHING and that society is making parents feel bad if we don't allow certain 'rights' -- internet,satellite TV, new cars, cell phones,etc -- it is an instant everything society now. And sadly we have allowed our kids some of these but they have always been told that they are a privilege not a right, and they can be gone in an instant.  Kids have everything to readily available to them that they never learn to wait for something. They have a fight with a friend on their cell, words are said and can never be taken back again. They never have to learn to deal with life face on! It is all through typed words on a computer or phone. They never learn inflections in a voice to tell them that their words are hurting someone, or that they read a facial expression to see that they are treading on thin ice!  (climbing off my soap box now...)

 All this comes back to issues with Sam and relationships. We are now 'proud owners' of another cell phone(just in case I ever need to talk to 4people at once☺) , there has been a lock down on TV, internet and iPod usages. We had serious talks this weekend with our son but is he really getting it? OR is he just snowin' us? Are these problems due to hormones or his TBI? Are they down to us or him and his gf? Does he fully comprehend the seriousness of his, hers and their actions? 


I know there is a lot of reading between the lines here but honestly I don't know how to put it all into words, I am scared to even try for fear of saying it wrong and having someone 'read' it wrong and then think the worse of Sam  ... or me for that matter! There is no actual SEX occurring though just all the lead up and ramifications to this lead up that is happening...
I also know that all parents run or will run into sex issues with their kids and there are as many ways to handle it all as their are kids and parents involved ... I also am finding that maybe it is a taboo subject due to all the different ways that the issue is handled. I don't know of too many parents that want to admit to talking to their teen about sex.
I have been on the internet today looking up TBI and teen behaviour (yes that means sex) and there are a lot of interesting things out there -- but the question is... am I looking up the right stuff or do I just leave out the TBI part in the search engine!?  He says he is not ready but then I saw some emails he (and she) had sent and it started to make me wonder... so we confronted him with it and we talked and talked .... and talked .... and yes talked about it this weekend... but did he get it!? I don't think so. I think he said he did so he could get his folks off his back...
SO now the problem has become how and what to say to him so that he will listen and get it. There are a myriad of issues that are all involved here but I can't discuss them all or even want to begin to get into them... but please believe me when I say AARRRGGHHH! These darn oven mitts are making putting puzzle together in the dark a bit harder...

My daddy

 

You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

~Miley Cyrus "Butterfly fly away" lyrics~

 I find that it never rains but pours...
It has been an unusually good week with Samuel but with my dad not so much.
I have seen him twice this week and both times he was not in good moods.
He was fairly grouchy -- which involves him not only NOT talking to me (which is not a normally big endeavour to begin with) but the look starts and continues for a while (most of the visit). The look is one that says "what the heck is wrong with you!? Get out of my face!" I am being VERY generous here in what I feel the look says to me but I cant even bring myself to type out what I feel he is thinking when he looks at me with this look. He was also in a continual yelling mode... which means he will start with "I love you." that with a fast graduation makes it to "I LOVE YOU!!!!" yelling but the look says anything BUT I love you. He will start this and it can continue for anywhere from one or 2 times to a full out 10-15 minute full scale yell fest.
Then the tremors (some people in the medical profession call them seizures but not really) can start.
Some days visiting with dad is great -- especially if Dennis is there. Dad seems to relate better with him. Dennis and my dad had met maybe half a dozen times after we were married (and about 3 days BEFORE we were married) -- and yet my dad will laugh, sing and talk with Dennis. My dad was at Dennis' wedding but not mine -- sometimes I tease Dennis about his first wife, and hope that she left him money! lol
My dad rarely calls me Jodi -- I am usually some other female from his life, most times a sister, but never my mom - Debbi(whom I look a lot like).
He never calls Hannah Jodi either...(who looks a lot like me when I was her age...)
It is very odd...
The whole thing...
It hurts some days when he doesn't know me or when I tell him something about our past together he will deny it.
But my dad's 'accident' is what helped me (and still does on  daily basis) get  through everything that we have had to do with Sam and with some things I have to deal with with Dennis too.
He is one end of a spectrum and they are at the other end.
My dad was my daddy
He was my biggest fan
He was my greatest friend
He was who I talked to 3x's a week
He would call me during the day to tell me a joke while he was on lunch break at work
We would talk for hours on a Sunday afternoon on the phone
He had huge flaws -- but don't we all
He had big problems -- who doesn't
I know that not all little girls used to think of their dad's as their knights in shining armour but I did
He was a truck driver, so he was away --a lot --  most of the time actually
He may not have been the greatest husband but
He was still my daddy
and
I
miss
him...
That darn ambiguous loss thing -- he is here physically but mentally my dad is not there anymore...
and I MISS HIM!
I have dreamt about him and talked to him in my dreams but when I wake up I don't remember his voice.
I have tonnes of pictures of him but some days I can't remember what he looked like.
It hurts too that my kids will never get to know my dad's wicked sense of humour, or his generousity, or his sense of fashion, his pride for his family
My kids will never get to ride with papa in a truck or on his motorcycle
They will only ever know him as the papa in the wheelchair that you have to be careful that you tell him what you are doing when you are around him or else he can be startled and start to yell or have a tremor.
He is the guy that you don't just hold his hand or he wants to bite yours.
He is the guy that might know your name today almost always with a bit of prompting
I just miss my dad and after the last few visits I have had with him it just makes me miss him more.

wait .. is that!? Yes, yes it is....

I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel with Football Season! Practices this week, game tomorrow and then again on Saturday -- and then we are done!

sigh...

Then I can try to get back to normal. I will be home more, which means my house my be able to be cleaned totally in one day. I might be able to get some baking done (I am told that Christmas is coming up soon!l☺l)
I can maybe also get organized on a few projects here at home -- recovering dinning room chairs, making curtains, blah blah blah...

But for the most part I am just looking forward to getting back to being 'just mom'. Maybe be able to spend more time with the kids that isn't on a dead run or just in the van/car...

we have been noticing some great changes in the boys the last few weeks. They are more apt to pitch in or share an encouraging word to someone. Amazing...

I have a quick story  to share that still brings a tear to my eye.  After our last Friday night game, we went with some of the team and a few parents for dinner. There was a lot of laughing and carrying on from the boys and some great conversation with parents. Then one of the dad's asked the boys to each stand up and make a statement of one thing they liked about that nights game and one thing they thought they could work on. All the boys spoke with such thoughtfulness. It was amazing.

Later I made a comment following someone who talked about them being able to do anything they put their mind to. I just told the boys how at last years Winnipeg game Sam was there and the year before that (in 2009) Sam was relearning to walk on that same date (Oct31). I just said that (not trying to embarrass Sam or anything) if they put their hearts and mind to it that YES they can do anything!  Anyhow... after when everyone was leaving to go home one of the players girlfriends came up and told me (with a tear in her eye) that she so appreciated me sharing that story about Sam. That she didnt know the story and it was so inspiring to hear. She almost had me crying. She told me that she texted to her boyfriend (who was sitting next to him) what Sam's story was and when he told her, she said she shocked as she wouldnt have been able to tell. She talked to me for a few minutes about it but her thanks of sharing just shocked me and left me dumbfounded.
Sometimes I feel so "this is our life" now that it alarms me when it shocks me that others are shocked and blown away by our story... very grounding but it also makes me emotional and very thankful to God for all He has blessed us with.

Frustration

Don't you just hate it when you are treated like you are not 'intelligent' enough by someone, or that you do not know what it is you are talking about--especially when you not only KNOW but LIVE the very thing you ARE talking about!?

I mean when I tell someone about TBI issues that are happening to my family members and in my house I would think that the person I am talking to would understand that I KNOW what I am talking about! I am not Joe Public that maybe has only HEARD of  TBI, I am not a person that is on the outside of it looking in... I am LIVING it every freaking day!

 And not only with one survivor but THREE! Yes people, three!  I have done so much research and living with a lot of issues that survivors deal with! I am not an IDIOT about this stuff! DOnt try to demean me or my observations! I know when things change and what that will mean to each survivor in my life!

I KNOW what that will mean in MY life! I know what needs to be done to try to get the person back to a normal balance -- whether it be a change in physical position OR mental position OR more sleep OR a change in what is normal for other people without a TBI!

On a daily basis here I deal with 2 survivors and I know each of their moods and idiosyncrasies. I know that one is a teen and that he will deal with normal teen issues BUT he also has 3 small metal fragments imbedded in his brain that have severed nerves and destroyed some normal brain patterns-- but I LIVE with him and know the difference between 'normal' teen behaviour and TBI behaviour!!! Sadly, they are so closely linked some days that a lot of people will tell me that  n"oh its normal for a 14yr to do that!' but please be rest assured that there is more to it -- that there is a distinct difference that maybe can only be seen to be understood.

Sam has been sundowning this week and it is VERY noticeable here at home. He is such an Oscar Awarding Actor at school that no one sees it.  But rest assured that when I tell you that there is something wrong then PLEASE believe me and don't make me feel like a schmuck and try to belittle my observations-- not just mine but Dennis' too! Please don't think that by saying it is 'normal' teen behaviour that you are in any way making me feel better.

You make me feel stupid, insignificant and useless.  I know you are the professional but I am the MOM!

I am the WIFE and I am the DAUGHTER!

I am the person that looks after them.

 I am the person that looks for methods to help them to get as close as possible to the person they were BEFORE their TBI.

 I am the person that sits with them and listens to EVERY word that they say and DON'T say about what is happening in their heads!

 I am the one that holds their hand, cries with them and for them!

 I am the one that loves them TOTALLY UNCONDITIONALLY!

I loved them all BEFORE  and AFTER their injuries and I will love them for the rest of MY life!

I will be their biggest advocate when they need one.

I will just be whatever they need WHENEVER they need.

I will just be....

Please don't make  my concerns for their well-being to be small or insignificant just because YOU have  gone to school for years, have read an article on something, have letters after your name, you work with 'normal' teens or feel that you KNOW better just because.

He is a go...

our doc said he was not concerned with the stitches area and so Sam is a go for football.

Mom on the other hand is still a wreck about it... will I ever be okay with this football thing!? Sometimes I really wonder... sigh

So tonight is his first practice that he won't be red shirted (which means he can be tackled now)

BUT I told him if he so much as even sees stars...

If it really hurts or he gets a headache...

If there is ANYTHING out of the norm...

he is to get off the field and check in with a coach.

I am going to have so many gray hairs and Albert will be needing an overdose on the apple cider vinegar...

sigh... I know all will be fine and Sam is in God's hands. It will be well...

Patience is a virtue...

or so I am told-- but the hard part is getting a teen to learn and realize it!

Sam is so irritated by not getting to play football until we see the doctor that I made an appointment with our regular doctor for Monday to see if he is good to go yet. He is 'chompin' at the bit to get out there and it is driving me crazy--I know it isn't a far drive either!  We won't be seeing the neurologist until mid Oct. and he is not willing to wait that long.

We will be starting our annual trips to the TBI meetings soon too (one more thing added to our weekly roster of running). I think we will be only going to the Dauphin meetings this year unless we have a reason for the Brandon ones -- like being in Brandon on the day of it. It is just too much running and driving for me. I am so tired these days that I find my level of patience is wearing to onion skin thinness... ahhh the life of a mom! ☺

I am trying a few new 'tricks of the trade [motherhood]' with Sam and his memory for things and for his sleeping health. We are propping up his bed with cinder blocks to help him with the sleep issues (still nothing new on that front) and for keeping his room cleaner (dust, dirty laundry etc) I am going to give him an extra 15min. on the phone each night as an incentive. Yes we limit our kids time on the phone, and the computer, wii, etc. -- meanies I know but in a house with 4 kids.. you figure it out.  So hopefully one or BOTH new 'ideas' will work!  (cross your fingers!)

Letter to Sam

My dear Samuel...

 I sit here in the room that is just down the hall from where you first stayed in 2 years ago. The sounds are the same, the sights are the same, and even the smell is the same.  You can feel it too because the look on your face is the same as it was when we were here before. You have a blank faraway look in your eyes; you are extremely quiet and withdrawn. You don’t eat much, talk much, smile much or laugh at all. It hurts my heart to see you like this again.

 There is a difference though this time in that we KNOW that things will not be different when we go home! The hard work of the trip home is done, trying to explain to people what happened is not something we need to do this time. This time we go home and after a few days or rest (and a few weeks possibly of rest from actual contact on the football field) our life will return to our normal routine. Your hair will grow to cover the scar and it will be like we were never here.

Once again there have been a number of people – friends and family- that have been praying for you. Their prayers have reached God’s ear and you are doing so well medically and physically. I hope that with this journey we have taken you will always remember that God can and DOES perform miracles today! 

We sit and wait for the doctor to come in and tell us we can leave the hospital today! Only a day after your surgery! Hallelujah!  We will leave here and head to the Ronald McDonald House for the night so that we can have a good night sleep before we start out on our drive home. It will also be a bit of a buffer zone before we get 3 hours from the Children’s Hospital – something to make me feel better ☺.

I hope you also know Sam, that you are my hero. You are such an amazing kid. I don’t know of too many kids that would have handled this whole ‘adventure’ as well as you. I hope you never forget the amazing miracles you have experienced in these last few years and I pray that you will not be scared to share those stories with others as a testimony for God and how He is here with us!

One last thing, Sam is my verse that kept me going through all of this adventure with you:

 "I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me" Philippians 4:13

♥mom    oxo

My non elborate posting....

I know I have been negligent in my posts here as of late, but I have been trying but I have also been deleting... too much to say and then nothing to say. Things here at home have been so insanely busy the last -- ummm lets just say -- forever... that I know that things are starting to catch up to me both mentally and physically.

Sam got home from Cadet training all safe and sound. July 29th came and went. For most people it was just another day -- which it was but I personally found it extremely hard with Sam being so far away. I sat and cried over the day and thanked God for all that He blessed us with that Tuesday and the days, weeks, months and years to follow. But I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach all day and until he (Sam) came home on the 31st

Since then I have been trying to arrange all the appointments that are needed before the surgery (cranial plasti -- a plate to placed where the bullet entered his head -- I have such a hard time with saying that B word. It makes me have to blink back tears.) and for appointments for myself and Joshua and Sam -- after the surgery, football, school, and the rest of life for everyone. I have found a place to live the week we are in if I can't get into the Ronald MacDonald House. It is safe and secure but it is not right close to the hospital-- but IT IS free and private (thank you God!)  I have also been trying to plan a holiday that we are going on next week with the kids. Dennis and I are taking the family to see the Rockies, the Tyrell Museum and other fun family stuff along the way. So I have been trying to plan stops, groceries, budget gas, food, etc. and still stay somewhat sane. Along with this I have been promoted to Manager of the Neepawa Tigers football team, I have been helping Dennis with whatever he is needing help with, getting kids to enjoy the summer, getting kids to and from work,... blah blah blah.

When I think about this up and coming surgery I just feel heavy and tired. I know he is in good hands with not only the doctors but God will be with us all as he goes back to the hospital-- but I am a mom AND that makes me human. I have not been worrying about it but sometimes I stop and have to catch my breath again over the whole thing. I wonder when the anxiety and tears will stop?

See there is nothing really going on that needs to be posted here, mostly just 'whining and whingeing' so I apologize...maybe once we are back from a break from reality for a few days I can get more elaborate thots down.... LOL who am I kidding!?  Me an elborate thots are not sympatico! ☺