Saturday, September 13, 2008

still here...

i have been finding it hard to sit and write anything here these past few days. I will get a thot that I would like to express and find that it sounds either too "poor pitiful me" or too personal to write. This morning I was up earlier than everyone else (something that is rare these days) and in talking with a friend on-line found that she seemed to hit my feelings on the head. She said that is is hard to get going forward when i know all that could have been-- I am suffering from "too much info". I have a few minutes of 'breakdown' if i happen to be 'struck' with the "gurly bug" as Hannah and i call it. But then take a deep breath and carry on... or try too. Please dont get me wrong, i am extremely thankful for his life and improvements that have baffled doctors and therapists, but somedays it is hard to process it all. Sometimes i wonder if i am waiting for the other shoe to fall...
This week is going to be a busy one as Sam is going to school for a part day on Monday and then starting to go for 1/2 days right now and then from there we will go forward. He is ready to go . He needs the structure and the socialization with his peers. As much as i am excited to see him go it is extremely hard! I have only really been gone away from him for one day since July 29 and I went to Brandon to go to the dr. and do some shopping. It was so hard to walk out the door-- but on the other hand it was hard to come home again to the stress (not that the stress was gone while in Bdn). But to go to school is difficult too. The kids are all there, the busy halls, the fluorescent lights, the noise, the stress for Sam (and Josh). But as Dennis says 'we wont know if we dont try with him'.
I asked his tutor to please text me once or twice to let me know how he is doing thru the morning. ( I am sure that Lance [the tutor] thinks i am nuts -- which IS true...) We also learned on Friday that Lance has been traded (he is a hockey player), so he will be leaving at some time and i pray that someone else can be found to work with Sam at school. He is still realy needing work on his social skills and the left side is still weak ( I notice of slack in his face still alot) and he drags his left foot slightly when he walks. I hope that if they can find someone else to take over the tutor/mentor position that they are able to connect as well with Sam as Lance has.
This week is also another round of doc appt.'s in Wpg on Tuesday. We see the OT, PT, Ophthalmologist, etc and then we have an appt for Josh at St. Boniface. So it will be an early morning, busy and long day for everyone.
We are still waiting for doctor reports too, from Winnipeg for ... basically everyone. Our home doc, the school, us... No one has seen really anything of any importance...bureaucratic 'planning' i guess. Maybe these next few rounds of appt will bring in the paper work!
The rest of the kids are handling most of this very well. Hannah has her moments tho. I am not sure if her moods and moments of tears are due to this past summer or to her age(9) (and having 'gurly moments") It is hard to deal with somedays since everything and anything can set her off!


Marianne said...

Hugs Jodi, I had a long comment here and it wouldn't post it - so I will sum up what I said... everything happens for a reason...
I hear you and ache for you, it breaks my heart. You have let guilt consume you. It was an accident ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! This could have happened the first week he was at the grandparents - it could have happened at your house in the second week if you didn't let them stay. Are the grand parents feeling guilty? There are so many "what if's" or fear on "what is to come or happen". You need to deal with the "What IS". It will help you mentally and emotionally to not have all the extra baggage. Let your husband take on some of your burden - let him support you. It sounds like he is reaching out to you - don't shut him out. You don't need that guilt on top of what you are already dealing with. You can not keep your children safe 24/7. It may seem harsh now but you have to let go - find peace and hold on tight. Your children need you and so does your DH. Maybe your son has guilt of his own. Maybe your daughter is feeling its her fault too. My eldest daughter thought my FIL & MIL divorced because of her... and she was 11 years old... children take on interesting burdens. This will cause them to act out - or become very quiet.
Gosh, I only know you thru blogs and WW but from that I have found you to be a loving caring mother and wife. Don't let the guilt comsume you - it will do a lot of harm to yourself as I am sure you are noticing. I so want to come and hug you; make it all better... Just remember - Its NOT your fault and deal with what IS. God is there to give you peace he is just waiting for you to take hold of it and don't let go.

Marianne said...

And just to clarify - I don't think you are silly for having the guilt. You are right I would feel the same way... its when it becomes consuming and hinders moving forward. I think I will take my words and frame them for myself as well. I need a reminder of this once in a while too!

jellyarmsrme said...

Jodi - I don't think I could say it any better than Marianne here.

I think once we get through the immediate danger, we moms (parents) tend to play that IF game a lot...and once we let the IF in, it's a nightmare. Great big huge hugs hon....and go ahead...we all need those "gurly" moments.

As for your DD, well, mine is just about to turn 10 but started developing (both attitude and physically) shortly after she turned a lot *could* be hormonal. Plus if she's anything like my DDs, she's probably worried about YOU too.

More hugs and lots of love...from a wannabe farm girl who isn't so gurly herself!
Jenn (jelly)