3 men and baby?!? um no just me

I have been wanting to post this for a while now but due to other things happening (both blessings and not so much blessings) I seemed to put it off more and more. But today I thought I would sit and spend the next day or two getting it all (or as much of it as I can) out and on here.

So please indulge for me for a bit while I tell you about 3 (of the 5) men in my life that are my blessings and my cause for many tears, of both happiness and frustration!

First is Sam.

My Sammi.

He was my biggest baby at 8lb 13oz and from there on was at the low end of the birth rate scales -- now being my 'smallest' (extremely lean and thin at 5'8" and just barely now 123lbs). He was my quiet baby that would grunt softly for feeding times and he loved to snuggle with me. He was 'my' boy just as Josh was 'dad's' boy...

As you know this blog was started because of an accident that he had on July 29/08 with a .22 calibre rifle that accidentally discharged and struck him in the head -- resulting in a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). At this moment in life ( and I am SURE forever) he is my constant reminder that God DOES perform miracles and we should look for them everyday but he is also a reminder that God allows things to happen so He can work thru you, so that other things (maybe another miracle) can happen to someone else (or even yourself!)

Our home usually has daily drama that has occured from either a.) a TBI moment/issue/backlash b.) teen angst or c.) cuz I truely believe God has a wonderful (and possibly warped) sense of humour! I am sure this is the same with every other house in Canada, USA and the world, but when it is happening in your kitchen -- and you are in the centre of it-- nothing else is happening anywhere else in the universe but there!

Sam has been working hard to not only reach his goals but he usually surpasses them by huge leaps and bounds and in a time that is unbelievable to not only us (as parents) but to the doctors as well. All you really need to do is go back and read a few posts from last year to know what I am talking about here... heck go back and read them all to get the full affect of the whole situation!

I wanted to make this post tho to also introduce you to the other 2 men in my life that are not only challenges but huge incredible blessings from God. These are men who yes, do challenge my patience, my sanity and my creativity...

First is my dad.

He is now 62yrs old and lives in the local Personal Care Home near us. We see him every week (sometimes a few times) for visits, ice cream, apple pies, dinner, etc. He was my daddy. He was my knight in shining armour as a little girl, as a teen and yes even as a grown woman  with 2 small children (at the time of his 'accident'-- he was 48) He had many, many faults(dont we all!?!) but as with most girls- their dad is the best. 

On Dec 16, 1995 Sam was born in Neepawa, Manitoba, Papa (my dad) was called to announce the birth(he lived in Bruderheim,Alberta), 4 days later both Sam and I were allowed to go home and on Dec. 22 somewhere around 3AM there was a knock on our door and there stood my dad. Smiling, tired but smiling and wanting to see his grandsons, Josh and Sam. We spent a great Christmas with him and when he left for home on the 27th early in the morning he gave me his favorite jean jacket, kissed and hugged me goodbye and promised to call when he got home. He did and he and I spoke on the phone at least 2-3 times a week after that until Aug long weekend 1996. (I still have the jean jacket ☺)

That was the weekend my mom was remarried to Dwayne and my dad was beaten up by his almost exwife's boyfriend with some help from her too. I wont go into the gory details surrounding the beating but it is enough to say that my dad is now a limited mobility quadripeligic with severe brain damage that has him more like a 7-8 yr old most days (on a 'good' day). I treasure that Christmas with my dad. It was an amazing gift from God, something that I will always hold dear in my heart.

Now my dad has more off days than on it seems. He will talk more with Dennis or the kids than with me, but maybe that is because our last conversation we had had (on the saturday morning of my mom's wedding)ended in a disagreement...I dont know.  We are never quite sure what is going on in his head so we are very cautious with what we tell him (he doesnt know about Sam's accident) in case in his more lucid moments he worries and frets about things.

He almost ALWAYS know Dennis and the kids, my mom and his siblings but sometimes I am a sibling or someone totally random. He was at Dennis' wedding but not mine! (Dennis assures me I am his first wife☺) I had thot maybe my dad would confuse me with my mom (Debbi) since we look alot alike and call my daughter Hannah 'Jodi' (since we also look alot alike!) but he has NEVER made that mistake. (Isaac and Hannah were both born after his TBI). 

There are many issues that we regularily deal with, with my dad but its all good. He is in a wonderful PCH that has great nurses and aids and other staff supports. We are able to see him more regular now that he has moved here with us to Manitoba (he was living in Alberta with his gf (who looked after his care) up until about 6 years ago).

When we ask my dad to sing songs with us he can do it without thinking but ask him what he did today and sit back for a giggle cuz some of his days are great! Once he was with my granddad buying a new car off the showroom floor! (I checked this story out and it never happened) Another time was when he moved from the old lodge to the new facility he thought he had moved to Gravenhurst, Ontario (this is where he is from) and he was determined that he did... so we let him think it, since the next day he knew where he was (in Neepawa). Somedays he is all smiles and kisses for me and then there are the days where he is glaring and telling me to (insert swear here) off... he tries to bite hands (a defense mechanism for him), he laughs at jokes, he will ask for beer... he will sleep thru a visit and snore to his hearts content...that is my dad now.

The other amazing guy in my life is the love of my life, Dennis. He is my best friend not just because he is my husband, but because we were very close 'best friends' before we started dating. We were friends first and that is why I truely believe we are best friends and still married now!

My husband also has a TBI. He is a high functioning survivor of an undiagnosed TBI. When he was just a teen (17 i think) he was in a truck accident with his brothers and was tossed pretty good in the process. But when he can really pinpoint his own 'issues' was when he was driving a truck (with a friend)that hit the second engine of a moving train(this was in 2000). They were both thrown from the truck and the friend, saddly died. But since then Dennis suffers from many of the same issues as Samuel. He needs to have a daily planner to stay organized, he will explain things -- to death ☺-- so that he is sure that HE understands what he is talking about. He relates most (99%)  things to farming (someting he can tangibly see and identify with -- I had to learn that 'prettier than a prize heiffer on fair day' was actually a compliment). He has no real memories of his childhood (he thinks most of what he 'remembers' is due to listening to the family tell stories). I know that when you hear these things you say"ya but we all do these things to a degree' but  try doing it and having to actually WORK at thinking ... it isnt just a natural occurance for people with a TBI. Dennis will have episodes of fatigue, moodiness, overload of senses and general unease. Dennis' accidents were in a time (and a town) that was before looking for or at TBI as a result of accidents. There was no brain swelling with him so there was no cause for concern... til now. Not that there is concern but there is an awareness.

6years ago I went back to college to get my Educational Assistant Dipolma and learned alot about issues with children I would have to learn to work with in a school setting. One of our papers (the major paper) was to choose an 'issue', I chose TBI as it was prevelant to my life and I wanted to know more about what it was doing to my dad and how to use tools to help him and others in my daily life and work. As with most term papers, you get immersed in it and things that were foggy and fuzzy to begin with start to take on more shape and that was when I realized that Dennis had a TBI. Dennis was also going to college to get his Agribusiness  and passed the course not only with flying colours but with distinction, and 3 scholarships and cash awards. He also won an award for his business plan that he developed for our our sheep farm! So you see where I am going with the high functioning TBI...neither Sam or Dennis' intellect was dimished due to their TBI-- just thier patterns of thinking, organizing and processing information.

TBI is huge and daily (and I mean EXTREMELY) daily in my life. So please bear with me when it seems I go on at lengthy extents about it. I need to do this in order to keep going and stay sane. I am in the process of working hard to bring more awareness to TBI survivors AND caregivers! we tend to get really lost in the shuffle of it all and sometimes when the survivor is getting lost through the shuffle we are fighting harder and harder to hold us both above water to keep us from drowning.

Crazy is as crazy does...

I want to cry...

I want to throw a fit...

I want to throw SOMETHING ...

then I want to cry some more...

We met with 2 of Sam's teachers last night and that is how I felt when we left the school.

One teacher seemed to 'get it' to a point with what we were telling her- Sam just needs some extra help with organizing his work, to stay on task and to get work done. He DOES NOT need to have things made easier for him (meaning he doesnt need his work 'dumbed down' for him -- for lack of better terminology). The other teacher I am not sure understood what we were trying to do for Sam. I felt like he thought we were babying him -- in other words there is nothing wrong with him 'really'. The teacher commented that if it were his child he "wouldnt think twice about having him at school 5 days a week and give him a 'spare' once a day'. I wanted to explain to him (to 'dumb it down' for him) that Sam needs the one day at home for REST and one period a day AT SCHOOL is not rest for his brain. For one, when he is behind in something teachers would take that 'spare' and use it for him to get caught up (no rest...) or, two,he would use it to play on computers or  his iPod (no rest...) since he IS still a teenager!When Sam is at home on Wed. he is doing nothing but laying on the couch to rest his brain! (There is no computers, video games or other things that will cause his brain to work over time!) This is a teacher that has just gotten Sam in is class room (new semester change) and I am sure hasnt read any of the literature that I gave the teachers.  And we ARE working on having Sam back to school 5 days a week in April and take one Wed. off every 2 weeks (this was on advice from the NEUROLOGIST!) I also had to explain that this brain injury could take YEARS to heal-- it is not 'better' just because the scar is healed up on his head.

We did finally settle on some things to help Sam with the classes. In Social Studies, he will work on daily work and have open book tests (so there is no stress about studying for him). In Math he will work on his booklets and some work in the text books and he will be checking in with the teachers when things get confusing.

It was very hard explaining Sam's behaviour with him there too. I had to say things that were embarassing for him to have me say to the teachers but it needed to be said so that they could understand... I hope and pray. I had to tell them about his reverting to immature behaviours when he is overwhelmed or when his sensory overload kicks in -- but I wonder if they got it or if I was making excuses for him. I honestly dont know if they get that he has a BRAIN INJURY!

I was trying to get across something that I have been telling people(not just teachers) since the beginning about organization in his brain and life and the other day I finally got how to explain it that HOPEFULLY people would get (and not always make me feel less with 'well he IS a teenager and that is normal' attitude) It was this: YES he is a teen with normal teen issues and YES most teens are not overly organized or together with school BUT the big difference is that eventually 95% (or so) will EVENTUALLY get it together! If Sam doesnt learn now how to do that his brain will never learn as it is still healing and needs to learn how to reroute his thought patterns NOW so that he can have those tools for later in life.

I did send some YouTube videos out to the teachers and the school division that had a lady with a TBI and she explains things in suc a way that I never could (she and her videos can be found HERE) Te hope had been for the teachers to watc the videos BEFORE we met with them but apparently the internet at the school is slow or something and they were unable to watch them but another teacher did manage to watch them and said that they helped to to understand what Sam (and us) must go thru! (wehavent met with this teacher yet--this semester) .

I wish people could understand that we are doing what we feel is best for Sam, that the doctors dont even know exactly what to do or how to deal with this as he is doing so much better than expected. So here I sit feeliong like I am going crazy with Sam and maybe I am not doing what is best for him. Maybe I am screwing it all up and making life worse for him, I dont know anymore! I feel so horrible to even THINK that maybe it would be easier if he were worse then at least people would SEE that there are issues. I once told a friend that I was actually jealous of her with her son (he had cancer) because people just took everything they were going thru at face value-- just that ... while we are fighting to get one or 2 people to understand the frustration that we go thru on a daily basis! People will accept things of people with diagnosis' that are more prevelant in the media or in thier lives than they will with ones that are seemingly less so-- if only they knew how "common" Brain injuries are!

After our meetings and other appts. we dropped Dennis off at his car (he had a meeting last night) and we drove home and let me tell you that was not a pleasant drive. Both Dennis and I could see the change in Sam as we were with the last teacher. His whole demeanor changed and I knew I was in for a night and once in the car so did the other kids. No sooner had we walked in the door of the house and it started. The other 3 kids knew Sam was in a mood so immediately they were on the defensive and that started a well versed production in our lives. Once everyone had chores done and dinner on the table I had it out with them and trying to get things back to a respectful level. It was 8.30 before things were 'right' with the house...

I think I need to get back to writing more frequently on here again. There is just too much to put into one post without feeling like I am rambling or babbling....

I had hoped for a different posting this week but apparently it will wait for another day.

Crazy is as crazy does...

I want to cry...

I want to throw a fit...

I want to throw SOMETHING ...

then I want to cry some more...

We met with 2 of Sam's teachers last night and that is how I felt when we left the school.

One teacher seemed to 'get it' to a point with what we were telling her- Sam just needs some extra help with organizing his work, to stay on task and to get work done. He DOES NOT need to have things made easier for him (meaning he doesnt need his work 'dumbed down' for him -- for lack of better terminology). The other teacher I am not sure understood what we were trying to do for Sam. I felt like he thought we were babying him -- in other words there is nothing wrong with him 'really'. The teacher commented that if it were his child he "wouldnt think twice about having him at school 5 days a week and give him a 'spare' once a day'. I wanted to explain to him (to 'dumb it down' for him) that Sam needs the one day at home for REST and one period a day AT SCHOOL is not rest for his brain. For one, when he is behind in something teachers would take that 'spare' and use it for him to get caught up (no rest...) or, two,he would use it to play on computers or  his iPod (no rest...) since he IS still a teenager!When Sam is at home on Wed. he is doing nothing but laying on the couch to rest his brain! (There is no computers, video games or other things that will cause his brain to work over time!) This is a teacher that has just gotten Sam in is class room (new semester change) and I am sure hasnt read any of the literature that I gave the teachers.  And we ARE working on having Sam back to school 5 days a week in April and take one Wed. off every 2 weeks (this was on advice from the NEUROLOGIST!) I also had to explain that this brain injury could take YEARS to heal-- it is not 'better' just because the scar is healed up on his head.

We did finally settle on some things to help Sam with the classes. In Social Studies, he will work on daily work and have open book tests (so there is no stress about studying for him). In Math he will work on his booklets and some work in the text books and he will be checking in with the teachers when things get confusing.

It was very hard explaining Sam's behaviour with him there too. I had to say things that were embarassing for him to have me say to the teachers but it needed to be said so that they could understand... I hope and pray. I had to tell them about his reverting to immature behaviours when he is overwhelmed or when his sensory overload kicks in -- but I wonder if they got it or if I was making excuses for him. I honestly dont know if they get that he has a BRAIN INJURY!

I was trying to get across something that I have been telling people(not just teachers) since the beginning about organization in his brain and life and the other day I finally got how to explain it that HOPEFULLY people would get (and not always make me feel less with 'well he IS a teenager and that is normal' attitude) It was this: YES he is a teen with normal teen issues and YES most teens are not overly organized or together with school BUT the big difference is that eventually 95% (or so) will EVENTUALLY get it together! If Sam doesnt learn now how to do that his brain will never learn as it is still healing and needs to learn how to reroute his thought patterns NOW so that he can have those tools for later in life.

I did send some YouTube videos out to the teachers and the school division that had a lady with a TBI and she explains things in suc a way that I never could (she and her videos can be found HERE) Te hope had been for the teachers to watc the videos BEFORE we met with them but apparently the internet at the school is slow or something and they were unable to watch them but another teacher did manage to watch them and said that they helped to to understand what Sam (and us) must go thru! (wehavent met with this teacher yet--this semester) .

I wish people could understand that we are doing what we feel is best for Sam, that the doctors dont even know exactly what to do or how to deal with this as he is doing so much better than expected. So here I sit feeliong like I am going crazy with Sam and maybe I am not doing what is best for him. Maybe I am screwing it all up and making life worse for him, I dont know anymore! I feel so horrible to even THINK that maybe it would be easier if he were worse then at least people would SEE that there are issues. I once told a friend that I was actually jealous of her with her son (he had cancer) because people just took everything they were going thru at face value-- just that ... while we are fighting to get one or 2 people to understand the frustration that we go thru on a daily basis! People will accept things of people with diagnosis' that are more prevelant in the media or in thier lives than they will with ones that are seemingly less so-- if only they knew how "common" Brain injuries are!

After our meetings and other appts. we dropped Dennis off at his car (he had a meeting last night) and we drove home and let me tell you that was not a pleasant drive. Both Dennis and I could see the change in Sam as we were with the last teacher. His whole demeanor changed and I knew I was in for a night and once in the car so did the other kids. No sooner had we walked in the door of the house and it started. The other 3 kids knew Sam was in a mood so immediately they were on the defensive and that started a well versed production in our lives. Once everyone had chores done and dinner on the table I had it out with them and trying to get things back to a respectful level. It was 8.30 before things were 'right' with the house...

I think I need to get back to writing more frequently on here again. There is just too much to put into one post without feeling like I am rambling or babbling....

I had hoped for a different posting this week but apparently it will wait for another day.

Simply amazing...

God is still working His miracles and amazing me! We have been praying to find support for not only Sam and other survivors but also for us as caregivers and BAM! Yesterday I found a site (cant even remember where it was) that had a phone number on it for a TBi group in Dauphin. I called today and almost an hour later not only had a date and time for meetings (that meet together then split into survivor and caregiver groups) but also has an upcoming conference on TBI, and many people who are really adovating for more TBI awareness and support!!!!! Can you see me smiling!? ☺ I am so excited about this!  We still havent heard if tonights group is meeting and I think we will go to it to see what it is about too but there is now OPTIONS for where we want to go!
Myra (the Dauphin lady I spoke to) asked me if I would be interested in doing some phoning around our area to the local papers and MLA and when I did-- one of the papers will not only do a write up on it but wants to do a follow up on Sam to tie it all together! (this is the other local paper-- not the one that did the first write up on him!)
WOW-- God you are amazing and I love how you can take a prayer and not only answer it but knock me on my butt with that answer! You are an awesome God. Thank you so much for ALL the 'little' prayers you answered in the few phone calls I made today...

I am speechless .... I know-- I know -- I know... now you are amazed! lol

me? who.... whhhhaa?

Do you ever get that feeling like you should maybe take the kids to the doctor but you KNOW that as soon as you do they will be perfectly fine and you will be left looking like one of those mothers that has Munchausen by proxy!?  Some days (ok a lot of the time) I feel like this.... especially with Sam.
This morning as I was taking the kids to school he tells me that as they were going to visit my dad last night before air cadets, that when they walked in the PCH his vision went goofy on him. He had no peripheral vison (when the accident happened Samuel lost all peripheral vision in his left eye and we were told that he would have only about 50% of it when he was recovered--  but he not only gained it ALL back but his vision was improved to the point of not wearing his glasses anymore!). So his dad told him to sit down til it past. Not too sure how long this was for (they got home after 10pm and dennis was up late this morning and didnt get the chance to share the story yet). I asked if he hit his head at all or if anything happened at school that could account for this and sam said 'no'... My first reaction was a racing heart and stomach dropping and my mind raced that i should get him in to see the Dr. today... then I took a deep breath and told him that we need to remember to tell the Dr. of this at our next appt (in about 2 weeks). So I have made a note on Alice (my iPod) to be sure to let the doctor know about it (and i will interogate my husband tonight and get more of the story).
This upcoming Monday is our first visit to the TBI group support meeting in Brandon. To be honest I am nervous. I am scared that it will create an anxiety in Sam, or he will find things that others say there and use them to 'play us' (cuz lets be honest and not forget-- he is a teenager!☺) or that things that people will say may scare him and give him cause to worry. I have been praying for Sam and has really noticed changes in him. He is resting more, he is more open to talking to me about how things are going in his day and in his head (for the most part). I still havent spoken to the school yet (I have been away for 2 field trips inbetween having some lovely stomach bug... and Josh had the bug...)  So Monday morning I will call and speak to the Vice Principal and talk with her. Mostly just to check in that things are going as sam says they are for him at school.
I have been trying to get more awareness our there too about TBI. There is a serious lack of support and counselling for not only the survivor  but for the family too -- well in our area at least. (this group that we are going to with Sam is more for adults but we are taking him anyway since the last time we were there -- for my dad-- there was a young girl there with a TBI.)
Again I seem to be scattered with my brain and my thots ... will I ever be able to string together a logical post again? I sometimes kid Sam that I have a TBI too from being so close with him... ☺

Long time no update

I know I know it has been a loooooong while since I have posted on here. Please dont think it is for lack of info to share... more like lack of energy or gumption to put it on. And sadly the reason is because I am tired of explaining to people that these issues are partly due to being a teen and partly to having a TBI. I am tired of people saying "oh that is just normal teen behaviour" or "all teens go thru this". I just want to scream and smack them! Then this past weekend we were at a family dinner and 2 family members were trying to put alot of the crap that was going on with ALL the kids on Sam. I do know that he is not perfect but with a TBI when there is energy and hyperactivity it can feed Sam's responses to things... so I tried  be polite and just made the observation that "it is all the kids that are 'feeding' off of each other and thier attitudes" the reply I got was"ya but it is so much easier to blame it on Sam... right Hannah." I mean seriously!!! WTF!?! It was a good thing that I was in a seperate room when that comment was made or I may be typing this from a cell.

I have been working on getting off of the pariet pills (for my GERD) and am now on day 2 of no pills and week 2 of no coffee (real coffee I mean-- de-caf is in my morning routine) and a pile of other foods that are out of my diet. (it seems that tea will be out of it too after this cup I just had-- major burning going on right now!) So with all this detoxing going on in my system it is no wonder I got sick on Friday with a lovely chest cold that is moving into my sinuses. I have been on the couch for almost 4 days straight, sleeping and resting, folding a bit of laundry and a bit of houseowrk here and there.... and slowly getting WORSE! Wednesday we are off to Wpg to take Sam in for another neurologist appt. We have to inform the doc. that Sam is back to a 4 day week and there was a huge improvement in him once we changed back to this.  SO we will see what he says about it all. And to really make it a memorable trip, we are driving in and out in one day! I was hoping to get a room at the Ron. MacDon. house but there is no room, so Sam will be in fine form by about noon. (it is a 3 hour drive each way) and we try to make use of the time and do some shopping at Costco anad Value Village while we are in the city... There will be lots of prayers sent up for our trip!

This week is exam week for the highschool and the boys write one today and one tomorrow. And trying to get Sam to remember things again (like books to study with or review sheets) has been a HUGE battle for Dennis and I. There was a blow up last night about math studying and routine and trying to get him (Sam) to understand that this is important for him to remember-- SO USE THE iPOD!!! Cross your fingers for a better semester next term.

I just cant seem to get my thots down on here straight, there is so much to say and nothing really. It all sounds so trivial and to be honest I couldnt handle another 'just a teen thing' from anyone. I honestly had expected us to be in a different place with all of this by this time, not crying daily about something Sam has done or said to me, or something someone else has said to me about it.January was not a great month, so maybe February will be better.

One Hundred Posts-- Wow

This is my 100th post-- and I am just... wow, amazed. I never thought that this blog would  continue past our first month or two home (even though I knew the journey was going to be a long one) and here I am starting post 100 and we are 1 year, 4 months, 29 days  from Sam's accident and here I am... here we all are...Dancing on the outskirts of 'normal', tiptoe-ing through TBI issues and setting and surpassing goals along side of some areas of failure new learning.
I would love to say that things with our house are great and all is rosy, cheery and FAB-U-LOUS but I would be lying. Lying to myself and to others, so instead I am trying to stay 'real' (which is really code word for sane)
This new year for us will be starting with some backtracking. Sam will be going back to being home every Wednesday for rest. He is still suffering living with fatigue issues. ( I wont say suffering as I feel alot of days that it is ME that suffers when he gets fatigued ... ☺ smiling here or else I may cry)
This year will be one tht will be of small steps, no real leaps and bounds that I can foresee. But we will take any steps forward that we can get.
2010 will be the year where if all goes according to my plan our house in Neepawa will sell and we can get out of the major debt that this move to the new old farm house  has cost us (or win a lottery☺) and we will all be extremely healthy and happy............................................................. but I know it is all according to HIS plan and whatever He allows to cross into our lives we will take in stride and handle with as much grace and thankfulness as we can muster. I wish life was a novel that we could read the last few pages to see how it all ends but that just isnt the way it is. (if it ws I would return my book for a new one-- maybe one with one of those cruise ships on the front -- oh wait that is a travel magazine...lol)
The new year will find me on here once in a while. When things need to be updated or I need to vent, or for no other reason than for me to work out my frustrations of life on. I dont claim to be an expert or even a semi pro at anything except maybe on stress...LOL but you can all find me on here once in a while.
I wish my readers a Happy, Healthy New Year that is filled with all of God's Blessings!
I would like to post one question and even if you are usually  a 'lurker' on here...
Have you learned anything this past year with reading my blog? It can be about TBI, life or ANYTHING? PLease let me know if anything I have put on here has been helpful to you!

less than stellar ...

Some kids are so mean. Today Sam came home from school in a bad mood which transferred to his brother then me. There was a fight in the barn resulting in a bloody nose, yelling at me (and yes swearing was involved on his part), there was stomping of feet, and slamming of doors (well as best as they can be slammed in this house), threats of packing up and moving out  crying and more yelling and swearing.
I didnt handle it well. I was thinking that Sam was just being a teenager and it turned out to be more-- which I found out once I calmed down and came to the realization that this is not typical.(if you remember we have all been sick and yesterday and today were my turn...)
Anyhow, it turns out that there is a kid at school that has been harrassing Sam lately with a stupipd gesture. He has been calling to Sam in class, talking to him for a bit and then pretending to shoot himself in the head. He thinks it is a great joke. Today Sam was back at school fter being sick for 4.5 days and was still tired and feeling blah... and this kid started this again. There were a few other instances of just general teasing of Sam by some other kids and one kid (a boy in the grade above him) that chose today to PICK UP Sam and bounce him off the walls with his head in the change rooms in gym and Sam didnt tell the teacher.
We spoke to him about what to say to this boy who has been harrassing him for a while and decided that some appropriate responses would be "You wouldnt be able to hndle the recouperating if you had it happen to you." or if it is in class speak loud enough for the teacher to hear "You know (insert name here) people might think you are suicidal if you keep this up." Basically to put the spotlight on his behviour and take it off of Sam. We lso suggested to maybe get some friends to help back him up with this boy. Sam is also going to ask the teacher if he could move his seat so he is not close to him.
We also suggested for Sam to talk to the school counsellor if he is having a day that is too rough to handle. So that he has help immediately not having to wait til he gets home and takes it all out on us here.
I think too that we need to maybe start having him home one day a week again. It is all just so hard to know what to do. Are we babying him? Is he playing us?  It is hard to know since the doctors tell us it can be at least 2 years recouperating and stuff I have read about TBI say that  it can be 4, 5, 6 years -- some people fight this tiredness and fatigue all thier lives. So we need to work on something that will work for life not for now.
I really feel like a failure tonight. I didnt see this one coming and when it hit I handled it all wrong. I should have realized that there was something wrong with him when I picked them up at the bus. I am also hurt from the words that Sam yelled at me. After some of his les creative words and phrases, he told me he was packing and leaving... and stomped off. When I went and asked where he would go his reply was "Anywhere but here will be fine..." I dropped this ball and feel like dirt, but I know I need to not take it personally and know that I cant fix everything... but then I am the mom... knowing and fixing are my jobs

No change

Today I have not 1 not 2 but 3 home sick today! Josh is better and gone to school but Dennis, Sam and Isaac are all home and in bed sleeping. Still struggling with fevers with Sam and now Isaac... I hope things start making the swing upwards ... and we start getting healthy here. Dennis and I are supposed to go to Brandon to do Christmas shopping on Friday and I can see that I will be the sick one then!
Off to make chicken noodle soup and hand out ginger ale and water to my ill ones...

Small scare...

We have been sick here in the Ginter household and when I say 'we' I mean Dennis, Josh, Sam and now Isaac is getting sick too!
But last night we had a bit of a worry/scare. Sam's temperature didnt seem to want to come down after tylenol, 2 cool showers, and some ice... after a few hours we got him to a 'lukewarm' stage and I was able to not stress about it. If Sam's temperature gets too high or won't come down we are to take him to the hospital and if he gets any symptoms of the H1N1 we are to go in immeadiately. (no we are not taking the shots-- there is just not enough 'backup' on the vaccine for us to warrant injecting our children with it where as the Tamiflu has a proven track record...)
But we got his temperature down finally with a cool shower and ice on the back of his neck. When I went to check on him last night before bed he was still a bit warm but not hot like he was before, so we will have to see how he is this morning when he gets up. I didnt sleep too well last night as I was worried about him and Josh, so today there may  be a nap in my future!

Change of plans this morning... as Sam woke up he was still quite fevered so we took him into the hospital as a procaution. GOod news tho, no H1N1 for our house!!!! BUt he is sick and will be home for at least a day or two. Still have to watch the fever but I think with  few rest days he will be fine. whew...

Memory Lane...

I have been trying to get some gifts ready for the kids for Christmas (we are all making gifts this year as the $$ is a bit tight). I trying to make each of the gifts for the kids a gift filled with memories. Joshua will be getting a 16X20 frame with different pictures of himself and Dwayne (my step dad that passed away Sept '08). Dwayne was Joshua's mentor, his hero. It is not unusual to find Joshua at the computer going thru pictures of Dwayne and our family.

Samuel's gift will be a scrapbook that I started when he was in the hospital after his accident. It has photos of alot of the medical staff that worked on or with Sam along with notes of encouragement for him. There are also pictures and letters/notes from friends and family. I had sort of worked on it before but not to the extent that I have been this week. It has been very emotional, hard to see the pictures of him in the hospital. The pit of my stomach rolls, my eyes tear up... I can feel the anxiety and the stress of when we were in Winnipeg as if it were still happening to me. My chest gets tight, my heart pounds and I have cried many, many times over the book. I have added a pocket to the back of the book with cards from people, the news article that the local paper did on him in the spring, and a few other tidbits for Sammi. I am stuck on what I am going to do for Hannah and Isaac and to be honest I think I should have thought about (and did) theirs first and saved Josh's and Sam's gifts for last -- they are so emotional and I really didn't think that making these gifts was going to be this hard.

It has been a rough week ... month .. heck things here haven't gotten any less stressed for over a year ...actually but there are more to get through I guess ... right?

I have been struggling with updating on here for fear of it sounding like whining or something.Things have been 'fine' with Sam, my dad and others of the house... it has been more me. I have been having lots of anxiety attacks and in the oddest of placest and for no reason that I can see. It is exhausting. I am beat. I am drained. I am tired of it.
I am not sure if it is all just in my head or if I am needing to get away... or what. Between the house reno's, running kids, waiting for the sale of the old house, looking after my dad, my mom lives right across the road and seems to somedays forget that we have a life to try to get through (she asks for 'one small thing and the next minute it is an all day thing), and trying to lose weight... sigh
I can feel the heavy weight of depression kicking in and although I am fighting it -- I feel that I am losing the battle.
Is it possible to cancel Christmas this year and crawl into bed until it is all over?

In Remembrance

Here is a picture of my 2 youngest sons Samuel (13yrs) and Isaac (12 yrs) in full uniform on our way to the Remembrance Day Services. They were so handsome!

I cried thru the service for not only the soldiers who have fought and made the supreme sacrifice but for the ones that still are making acrifices everyday so that we can live in this country.
I cried for their families that sacrifice their lives being on hold while their loved ones are working hard to keep the world and Canada safe for us.
So that our boys can go to Air Cadets, basketball, football and school.
So that our daughters can go to dances, go shopping become doctors and lawyers, stay home moms.
So that we can walk down our streets free from fear and death.
It was a long service but in the grand scheme of things cant we 'sacrifice' 2hours a year for the men and women that fought and still do?
I dont think that it should even take a second thought... we should just go-- they do.

#62 Sam Ginter

So last night we watched Sam's game! It was awesome!! They used the jumbotron for replays, the sound system for commentating, the stadium lights were on when it got darker... awesome is all I can say.
The drive in was an emotional one, as we had a great talk with Sam about his past year and the goals he not only set for himself but met and even surpassed, before we dropped him off to the bus. So of course the conversation continued as Dennis and I drove into the city. Thankfully it was cold outside and so tears were not so easily flowing once at the stadium!
During the game Sam caught the kick return and got about 10yards down! I was able to sit and watch as he became the meat in a "sandwich" tackle!
That black outfited person in the middle of the 2 silver uniforms is my Sam!!! AND I did not jump up or freak out. I did manage to get the pictures of it on the jumbotron in the replays... it was simply amazing...can describe the feelings I ran thru through the whole game.

On a humourous note, there were programs to be bought for the football teams that were playing this weekend (we were playing the rural 9man) and they listed the players heights and weights... as we looked over the Tigers and the Outlaws team rosters we noticed Sam was the lightest -- the weight range for the Tigers was 295-139lbs -- Sam is 115lbs 5'7"!! If we really looked hard we might be able to find someone his size but I would guess they would be in the younger teams...lol

Now for a break with football (til spring) for the next week... then we start in Junior Varsity Basketball with Joshua! So stay tuned for basketball pics to be posted here until that season is over!

Isaac was busy selling poppies yesterday with the Air Cadets but I didnt get any pictures as he didnt have a full uniform-- so those pictures will come later this week! (sniff-- my babies are all growing up on me...)

Stadium fever...

Tomorrow Sam and the football team are playing their last game at the stadium in Winnipeg!!! I am so excited for them! It is the 'consolation prize' to the play off. See the Tigers lost every game this season but then they are a young team... but a team with great potential!I cant wait to watch them play...

It is so hard to imagine that last year (Sept7) we were taking Sam to watch the Banjo Bowl (Sask-Wpg game) and he walked up the long ramp to the top of the stadium to watch the game. He didn't want to use the wheelchair, the carts or the elevator. This boy used all his strength and walked up to our seats-- only about 6 weeks after his brain injury. Even as I am typing this tears of pride roll down my cheeks to know how far he has come. I am so proud of all he has accomplished this past year and to see that he is not only going to school full time (for the most part) but he made his goals reality!

We were told in the emerg. room that his dreams of football were going to be just that... dreams. (along with his dream of being a pilot and doing woodwork-- so far his peripheral vision has not only healed but his 'regular' has improved so there is no longer glasses-- so both dreams are a real possibility!) I want to go back to the emerg. and meet the surgeon and tell him how great Sam is doing. I know that the doctor would be very amazed and happy...maybe one day we will.

Sam has been having a few minor issues with his left side of late but since that is his weak side we will work on it over the winter and help him to strengthen it... bow flex, elliptical, picking up marbles with his toes, eating more and getting rest.

I am so excited about tomorrow I just cant explain it. I will have to work so hard to keep my tears of joy in check as other wont understand...

"Thank You God for all of Your miracles, and for Your unfailing, unwavering love! Without You this past year would have not been what it has been! Thank You for everyone that has read and still reads this blog. Thank You for being understanding and supporting. I wish I could give you all a big hug so you know how much I appreciate your comments, emails and stopping in. Thank you for putting up with my tears, rants and praises. I am truly blessed."

where does the time go?

Well things with my dad are stabilized now, but still no date on a new dental surgery and he is finally going to his doctor tomorrow. I am supposed to go but i am sick with the flu and wont be able to make it.... so i will have to do what i can via the phone!

Sam has been quite busy with football and is loving it! It is so great to see him out there running, throwing and catching, and yes..... **gulp** getting tackled! it is so hard to believe that last year this time we were working hard to get his endurance and strength up! he was still walking up and down the drive way in his combat boots (they are very heavy) to build up his legs to help keep the left side from dragging. He was still sleeping lots and going to school parttime, there were still major attitudes and crying jags... a totally different kid (for the most part) than who is here with us now.

It never ceases to amaze me just how awesome God is and what He can and will do for His children. Answered prayers, unsnanswered prayers that when you look back make sense, prayers answered that you never even thought to ask... awesome is all I can say.

Oh ya! Our Isaac went with Sam last week to Air Cadets, just to see if he would enjoy it (which i thought he would since he loves things to be organized and structured). We asked him to just go and see what all cadets were about for a few weeks and then make his decision, but low and behold he came to the van with registration papers stating that he LOVED IT and was joining! I think we will start to see changes in this young man too soon... **sigh** it is so great to see the kids growing up and yet it makes my heart tug a bit and somedays I just want to sit and cry over where the time has gone...

I just read this book by Patricia Jones. She is my step dad's sister and she writes about how she dealt with her mom's dementia and alzhiemers. I found it so enouraging to read as I find alot of it was what I deal with, with my dad. He knows me--sometimes, he is extremely repetitive with "i love you" and a few other choice phrases (but he also tells absolutely EVERYONE that he loves them), he shows extreme anger towards me... the list is endless. I told Pat how the book was helpful to me to know that I am not alone in this and that with TBI (in our case with both dad and Samuel) that there is not much help for us-- dad is considered to be'too far gone' with his TBI and Samuel not enough to warrant help (or so it seems to us...). But her book hit so close to home that at times I had to put it down since tears were so busy clouding my vision that I couldnt read but as soon as I could regain my composure I was back reading it again. I strongly suggest that others read this even if you dont have a loved one or know of anyone that is struggling in any of these areas -- knowledge is power and you never know when you may be called on by God to share what you know!

You have got to be kidding me!!!

As you know Sam is not the only person in my family with a brain injury. My dad has a severe brain injury and is a quadrilpelgic. He lives in the local personal care home (30 miles away). well yesterday Dennis and I were in Npw picking up the rest of our appliances to move to the new house. We werent even home 15 minutes and the phone rang and it was the PCH... dad had been having some major seizures ALL DAY... so they were transporting him to the hospital to see the doctor. we jumped back into the van and headed the 30 miles back to town to the hospital. The doctor there gave him dilantin -- but not after he had 2 seizures in 20 minutes while we were there. The doctors explanation for them (please keep in mind that this is NOT his regular doctor) is that there iscar tissue forming and causing these siezures. after 14 yrs..... never a real issue with seizures before but now after 14 yrs. to say the least i was, and still am, not impressed with this doctor. he doesnt even know what the history is surrounding my dad and his injury is and he is going to just flippantly give me an answer of "scar tissue". I had to also warn the nurses (at both the PCH and the hospital) that even when dad was on dilantin before he had seizures.... but not of these magnitude.

Dennis and I went for lunch while he was getting his med's (dad was sleeping at this time) and then I went to the PCH to see if there was any reason that they would know of why he is having them -- I asked if his routine had changed, if he had been dropped or his head hit, etc and i got a very loud "NO!" -- shock and horror on thier faces... i was trying to be polite and not accusatory. They had no answer to why things have changed... so back to the hospital we go and wait... and wait... no seizures-- good sign.... "he is resting and we will send him back to the PCH tonight." "OK then we will go and please call me when you are transporting him back. Thank you"

By the time 7pm rolled around there was still no call so i called and low and behold dad was back in his room sleeping.

Today I called and was informed that he had had 3 more seizures this morning... even while on dilantin... his regular doctor was not in his office today, so they (the nurses at the PCH) cancelled dad's appt that we have been waiting for in Wpg (for dental surgery) for MONTHS but never spoke to the doctor about it. I was hoping that they might be able to make a CT scan appt for him too while we were in the city. (Dad needs to be transported by ambulance for most of his appts and this makes him extremely agitated) You would think that if all of a sudden a resident with severe TBI starts having seizures that you would try contact his doctor.... i mean we live in a small town... i am just so frustrated!!!!!!!!

The first doctors 'diagnosis' of scar tissue makes me want to not only scream but it makes me wonder about Sam.... he has never had seizure activity and he actually has physical scar tissue -- does this mean in 14yrs we can expect more to pop up in our life? That the local doctors will be so callous and ignorant about it all that they wont care or the nurses wont fight to alk to a doctor when we need it?

I am so angry right now and frustrated... i am sure this post makes no sense what so ever.

My son the 2nd back...

I havent updated in a bit and I was honestly starting to think that I would soon be closing this chapter of our life as it seems that things are where we are going to be and there doesnt seem to be much to update anymore these days... then football season started and Sam joined the team. I have been to practices and am going to be brutally honest hernd say that it was so hard to not cry as I watched him walk on the field and then line up for plays. He is so much smaller than the other players at 5'7" and only about 115lbs (if we are lucky!) and not to mention that he is also the youngest on the team at 13yrs. I have been trying to get him to eat a bit more as he is so thin and "breakable" looking but he isnt a big eater. I am thinking about maybe just getting him to drink protein shakes or meal replacements to help him. The doctors say not to worry about his weight but as he gets taller he is getting thinner-- not too great for football or my nerves!

Last night I sat in my van and watched and worked very hard at holding back tears of fear and trepidation as he ran, was tackled and -- much to my relief-- got back up to do it all again. I am glad that I was the only parent there at the time and that I was in the van, with not only the engine running and the radio playing so that no one could hear my cheering him on and clapping for him and choking on my tears. I am so proud of how far he has come and where he is at now but then it hurts my heart to see him out there with boys that are not only older and bigger than him but the intent is to drop him like a stone... i am trying to get over all this before his first game so I dont make a fool of myself (or him). Then Sam tells me that he has been getting pains in his head (he describes them as shooting pains that last for a few minutes and then go away) when he is playing -- we have our next appt with the neurologist in mid-Oct and with our family doc at the beginning of Oct(these pains are normal and had all but stopped until now)... so i have been telling him that if they get worse we may need to go see the doctor and if he sees stars or any pain after being tackled we will have to get him to the doctor too... He is totally agreeable with this and then ...

this morning he is so over tired and very mean to me and I wanted to tell him that football is just not worth it to me. It is a fight to get him up, fed and out the door without him picking fights with his siblings over their spoon making noises in the bowl (he is sensitive to noises alot of the time now) or that someone has eaten the last of the cereal, bread, fruit, etc that he was planning on eating or that ask him to take his laundry to the laundry room. I know these sound like normal teenager stuff but the injury makes everything that much worse and my days are subsquently starting on a bitter, and sometimes down right nasty, note.

That has been our house the last little while... I prayer things get settled in and to our next new norm...

normality??? we'll see...

Well our summer is coming to an end... saddly way to fast! We are moved and living in our new home. We got lots of work done on it and the week before we moved in we got the flooring done!!! YAY!!! We also had some excitement with our "old house" and on Monday morning (we were moving on Thursday) we had either a tornado touch down or a funnel cloud come close to touching down! It took out 1/6th the shingles on the south side of the barn, part of a corral wall, 7 trees that hit the ground (a few that just now have a nasty lean on them), our trampoline was thrown into the bush (took Josh and I about 10 minutes to pull it out) and it basically made a mess of the yard in a matter of seconds! Dennis and I were having coffee in the morning (at about 7.30)and it was stormy and raining... then the rain and wind stopped, then all of a sudden it sounded like a train coming thru the house! Dennis called to grab the kids and get tot he basement so we did and before we were there it over... it was scary and freaky. And i am glad it is over.

Sam had a great 2 weeks at camp (he got home on Aug 23) and is still trying to recouperate from it. He sleeps long hours, he is grouchy and basically your eveday teenager. But i am trying to get him into the new school routine before school starts. we will be getting up earlier this year so that they can catch an earlier bus. He is also starting High school so there will be new challenges to face. I had to write a letter to the school that they went to last year requesting that they go back to it this year, as we live not just out of town but also out of that school division. they have their meeting tonight so i hope that they will accept our request so there is no changing of schools. I just told them that there is already a plan in place for Sam for this year and so hat we have to lose another year we would like the kids to continue going to it, and we also would like to keep all the kids going in the same school division... so please pray for this request to go thru!

There are alot of other plans having to be made -- not major ones but enough that it will require alot of organizing and planning... piano lessons, guitar lessons, cadets, basketball practices, volleyball, etc. now that we are 30miles from town it will be abit trickier to get the kids into things (especially with the gas prices!!!)

We have one more set of appt with Sam too in Wpg in Oct. One with the neurologist and one with the psychologist... might be the last set!!!
I am off to Wpg next week on Tues for a set of 24 hr. tests in Wpg for my hernia. I will not be home for the kids first day of school that week. i have to go and have a tube put in my nose and then spend the day as normal as possible so that i can journal my hernia 'pain'. I asked the lady how i was going to haev a normal day when i normally live 3 hours away and am staying in the city over night, and who wants to go out and about with a tube in your nose and taped to your face!? lol she agreed but asked me to do my best.... sigh... we will have to see just how brave I can be i guess in going out in public. might even be picture worthy! lol

on the move...

i am exhausted... you would think that a person would be used to things but in the midst of our life, we are moving (30miles north), Samuel is leaving for Penhold on Friday, my cousins daughter is out for 2 weeks and Samuels behaviour has been definitely award winning but not for quietness or niceness... more for aggravation, craziness, cheekiness, mouthiness attitude -- you know all the winners. It has been so bad of late that I have had to give him the choice of smartening up his attitude and everything or he doesnt go to camp -- which would be just as much of a punishment to me as to him! I have been trying very hard to get him into a routine but it is hard to do when every day I have change happening and am trying to roll with it.
I am really looking forward to not only Friday at 6 when he boards the bus to go to Wpg, but also the next week from the 17th to the 20th when Dennis and I are going to the Rod Stewart concert and then 2 days to a cabin with no kids. I feel rotten about being happy about sending my child away, but lately it is almost survival of the 'fittest' around here. That old saying "know i know why some animals eat thier young..." **sigh** i try to live in the now and not always look too the future but these days i cant wait for winter (i shudder at the thought of the cold -- mind you we havent really had a summer!) when we should be settled in at the new house and into a routine with school... things may be a bit more relaxed... and at the same time i am trying to enjoy the time with the kids (as i can) and move and the reno's at the new house. so off i go to spend time with the girls and make a salad for dinner as the boys and Dennis load yet another trailer full of stuff for us (me and the kids) to take up to the house tomorrow for another round of reno's galore!!!! (all with a smile =:-D)

one year

one year ago tomorrow my sweets called me to ask me to go and pick up sam from the hospital because he had hit himself in the head with the scope of the .22-- and our whole world came to a crashing halt-- for 4 days at least. as i type this i am trying to not cry and i have butterflies in my stomach over the memories of that day.
i thank God everyday for all that we endured and experienced over the last 354 days. i do ask 'why?' sometimes and when i get up there and He and i sit and talk, i will know all the reasons why. for now tho i will be happy with the thoughts that He knew i needed sam more.
tomorrow i will be driving to winnipeg for a different reason. my cousins daughter, jade, is flying out from TO to stay with us for 2 weeks.
the last few days i have ran a gamet of emotions over alot of changes happening in our little corner of the world. first we got a new vehicle. a 2009 Chev Traverse, it was totally unexpected but we are now driving a new SUV(i have never owned a new car b4). Next we have been able to finally make it public knowledge that we are moving. We are moving to be clser to my mom. Right across the road to be exactly closer... we are moving into an old century farm house...that needs ALOT of work before we move in. the last shock was that dennis wants to move in by aug 29....which means i need to not only get this house finished with its projects this week, but i need to get up to my moms to work on that house by next week so i can start stripping wallpaper, painting and flooring!
so my emotions have gone totally crazy these days. trying to stay sane and in control of myself -- so tomorrow may be not so much.
i told dennis and sam that we should make his new 'birthday' july 29 (his birthday is dec16 and we rarely are able to have a party since it is so close to Christmas) that way it would be a new spin on the date. i think i will do something special for dinner for sam tomorrow and get a cake or something for dessert so it is a psotive day for us!

RIDER PRIDE and awesome people!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back in May (on the 13th actually) when we took Sam in to the neuro-surgeon at the Children's Hospital(our last one to see him for!! yippee) we started talking to a man and his wife who were waiting in the waiting room with us for thier daughter to see a doctor. The man started a conversation with us over Samuel's Rider hat... assuming we were from Saskatchewan. We told him we were from Neepawa and he shared how he knew some people in Neepawa.

In our conversation we told about how we got Sam's hat signed, how we thot Samuel had lost it, etc. and life in general but nothing was ever said about the reasons for us being at the doctors. I think there might have been something said about an accident, but somehow we were talking about the Ronald MacDonald House and how our Pastor got us in there.

Well the next day or 2 this man was extremely busy!He started calling the Roughrider's in Saskatchewan and then started calling around in Neepawa to find out who our Pastor was and who we were. Once he ahd found Pastor Dean, he told him about meeting us at the Hospital and then was told about our story. That was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in May. This man kept in contact with Pastor Dean and recently a package arrived at the church for Sam....

And last night Pastor Dean and Pam (his wife) came over for dinner and a visit and brought a bag of goodies for Sammi!Inside the package there was a Grey Cup Championship Hat signed by Eddie Davis (defensive back), a flag signed by the majority of the team, a scarf signed by a bunch of the team, a pom pom, and a card from the events co-ordinator that told the story about how they came to know about Sam and that if we are in the area of Saskatchewan, they would like to treat him to a game-- just give them a call! It was amazing!

When I first learned about the man (all we know is his name was Terrence) I called Dennis at hoome and had such trouble getting the story out to him since I was crying, Dennis was speechless and the whole thing made both of us just stop and be in total amazement of people that God has put in our lives even if just for a few minutes.

We will be writing to the Riders to thank them, and framing the scarf and maybe the flag. We are still in shock ... reading the card again and I am still amazed at people and what they wildo for people that they dont even know!

I know that Terrence will not read this but I have to say it anyway:

Thank you so much Terrence. You have put a huge smile on Sam's face that will be there for a while which means we have smiles on our faces too! Thank you!

People like Terrence are part of the reason why I started this blog and the biggest reason why I titled it visibleangels....

TBA

watch this web space for a really really cool update and hopefully with pictures to adorn the page too! cant wait to share it with you all!

Hormones, attitudes and cabins.... oh my

Well we have been and gone to Wpg for Sam's psych eval and all is good. Things are normal the doctor figured and there is no need to worry about PTSD with him. There were a few areas that she was looking at and Sam was dealing with things in those areas very well.
1. He is able to talk about the accident.
2. He is able to shoot a gun again.
3. He is able to watch movies and not get agitated with violence or certain scenes.
4. He is not suffering from nightmares.

But it was suggested that Josh goes for some counselling. So now to talk to him about it and see how things are with him. He seems to be handling things ok but Dr.Sam thinks it would be good to just be sure.
We have to go back to see her in Oct when we take Sam in for his (hopefully last) appointment with the neurologist--Dr.Goldberg, just so she can talkto how he is handling the new school routine (Sam will be in highschool) and see that things are still progressing smoothly.

Things here otherwise right now are good...but saddly i have to admit it is because Sam is not here. He is at grandma and grandpas until Wed. I hate saying that, but it is true. there is no stress about if he is in a good mood or just in a mood. he has taken to being fairly miserable with me of late and picking fights with the other kids. We have gotten his days somewhat organized to the point of daily chores and wake up times break times but he is still 'out of sorts'.
But then add to this that Hannah is starting to hit puberty and the hormones are kicking in with her. Somedays I really wonder if I will survive this motherhood thing. If it isnt Sam having one of his moments, it is Hannah with hers! Girls are most definitely different from boys! I am going to be having to sit down with her soon to have the 'talk' about 'gurl stuff'.

I am not sure what is going on with me lately either-- i am back to somethings sitting there just under the surface. I cant pinpoint it but there is something there...might just be exhaustion, or frustration... it is just that feeling of a blanket over my head and not quite up to speed on anything...always a few steps behind everyone. Not exactly getting the punchlines... i have been praying about it but nothing so far in the way of enlightenment OR of it going away.

Dennis has booked a night in Winnipeg when we are in for the Rod Stewart concert and then he also booked us 2 nights at a cabin in the Whiteshell Provincial Park for our anniversary. No kids, no work, no phones, no nothing for 3 whole days! Just me, Dennis, a cabin and one night of Rod Stewart!! Our anniversary is July 31 but we will be busy with kids and company so we just postponed it until Aug 17-20. Last year we were in Wpg with Sam and the best gift ever was him waking up in PICU and asking if i brought him a coffee... lol nothing will ever top that but this year will be great too ... 16 yrs!

when can i be dad...

tomorrow morning sam and i are on the road again to winnipeg for another psych eval. for him. he is not too impressed with this and this last week (all two days of it) he has been just miserable with me for the most part whenever i talk about the wpg trip.
i picked the boys(josh and sam) up from my moms yesterday and for the first hour everything was good, then the good mood stopped and the miserable, grouchy, unliveable side arrived. he was mouthy, rude, disrespectful and extremely foul mood-ed ( i know there is no word-- but nothing else would work). and it was one of those literally blindsided moods that when they hit they are totally shocking and unexpected (hence the blindsiding) and they turn the whole house on its ends. i just couldnt wait for dennis to get home from work and (being extremely honest here) was ready to ship him off to anywhere--then i looked at him and saw the fatigue. then the guilt set in... but frustration also did...how come the fatigue was 'saved' for me and not for granni?! how come i get to be the dumping ground for everyones garbage?how come even tho i am the one going to bat for them (and of course it isnt just sam here) and trying to make sure they get good times and happy memories ... i get the crap attitudes. dad gets a bit too--but i get the major brunt. makes me wish i was the dad some days!
and now i get the job of getting sam up early (6am to be on the road for 6.45), driving to winnipeg and then taking him to the doctor and keeping him on an even keel and in good spirits.

sigh

Camping

We have been and home again on our first camp trip of the year. The last few years (about 5 or so) we have gone camping with friends for the Canada Day weekend (usually involving at least 3-4 days) and this year we went to Spruce Woods-- Kiche Manitou for our annual trip! the weather once again was wonderful and hot, the time spent with friends was fabulous, the food was fantastic and time with the family was festively fantabulous! (ok that one was a stretch...)

We got to the park on Sunday, on Monday we walked to the Devils Punch Bowl (this is at the Spirit Sands -- a natural desert in Manitoba) where we walked for a minium of 7 km (at least 2 of those were spent carrying poor short legged Dixi dog!) and it is where i also took a massive amount of photos of the natural flora and fauna there! I so enjoy taking my pics-- as my family will attest too i am sure! Sam was tired thru this journey -- but tehn we all were! lol

Our next adventure was the beach (where i stayed safely on the beach -- not making it to the water) followed by Canada Day being filled with not only a bike clinic at 1 but a bicycle scavenger hunt all over the camp grounds! Now those of you who know Kiche Manitou will understand that when i say it was a workout... it was a workout! We were in Bay 8 (at the top of the hill) and we needed to bike up and down the hill to get to the interpretive centre, the beach, the store for ice cream, our camp site.... the scavenger hunt.... Team Ginter made an awesome go of it tho! We did the whole hunt in about 45 minutes and Sam had to call it quits at the last 15 minutes or so. I sent him back to the site for ashower and a rest. He was beat!

All in all it was a great weekend and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves-- waiting impatiently i guess for our next adventure!

the kids all got their report cards and for the year we have had athey were all fairly good. Isaac got not only all A's and A+'s but he won the class award for most kind! Hannah did very well also, getting great marks and such nice accolades written about her from her teachers! Josh and sam's marks were not stellar but we know they gave their best and worked hard--and that is all taht matters to us! So as of September Hannah will be in grade 5 (still at HMK), Isaac grade 7 (moving on to NACI-- jr high) and Josh and Sam will both be in NACI high school end in grade 9. I am amazed at how fast they grown and how time just flies by with them! I get teary when i think on it too long...

This week Sam and I are off to Wpg for another Psych Eval. this time for PTSD (I hope) and to see how he is coping. The Dr. is Dr. Samm...LOL Both Dennis and I noticed taht exams really wore Sam out. He was fatigued and did 'sun down' the last 2-3 weeks. So now we are in the process of trying to get him rested again-- but he started work with my mom this week too but luckily for us she understands that he needs to rest (next year his goal is to get a 'real' job with an employer that is not family). But for anyone interested in an itouch for a PDA--I would highly recommend it. We are getting one for Joshua too this fall as Sams works for him (and the rest of us too) very well! (I still am yet to have my own!lol) The audio reminders for him is better than me 'nagging' him to do stuff and he will do it with a smile more than if it is me asking... so it was well worth the investment for us! (and we bought it refurbished from itunes-- so even better that it was cheaper!)

Well i hope that summer is finding everyone rested, relaxed and enjoying nice weather with family and friends!

teenagers... 'nuff said

can you say "sigh"... altogether now "SIGH". School has been officially over for our kids for 6hours and it has started already! A fight over the remote and attitude to follow -- so an early bedtime was in order for 2 of the boys... Sam's temper was at its best today since school was out and I am sad to say it all started (i think) when i told him he was to get off the computer, that he cant just get on it whenever he wants and that he still needs to ask to do so...

Which ballooned into attitude and silence, then asking him to please leave my cell phone alone (he was texting on it while i was resting in bed)... more attitude.

Some days I can tell when it is TBI related and others I cant. I dont even have the energy to try to guess what it was all about.

Dennis brought me home yesterday from Winnipeg from my dental surgery. I had the 2 bottom wisdom teeth removed and some of my jaw bone shaved to do this. So today was a "not get my blood pressure up' day (AKA stay in bed and relax) and rest. It hurts to talk, smile and swallow! My face is so swollen , I look like a pocket gopher!(can you tell which is me and which is the gopher!?) I have not ate anything decent since 9PM Wed. night while in Wpg (we went to the Olive Garden) so Sam's attitude and temper really didnt set well with me-- but i handled it well i think. We both sent the boys to their rooms early (8.30pm) and told them they were now there for the night. I think Sam was over tired as he was asleep not long after. (so maybe it was a TBI incident).

We got news last week that Sam is going to Wpg on July 8 for a Psych appt. it should be for the PTSD evaluation that we were thot to have been having back in Jan/Feb when we were in Wpg. Our regular doctor told me last week to tell this doctor that we have heard nothing from the sleep clinic either, so hopefully someone somewhere will get that ball rolling!

I also learned last week that I need to go to Wpg to St. Boniface Hosp for a GI lab for 24 hours. This means that I will have a tube in my nose down to my stomach and I will journal for the 24hours when and what I am doing when the GERD strikes. This test will then tell my GI Specialist what type of surgery is needed for my hernia. Great news tho is that Albert is no more! I DO NOT have an ulcer!! Whoo hooo! (that was my highlite of last week!) So we are waiting to hear more about this test...

Somedays i wonder if we will ever get back to a normal life. One where we arent constantly waiting for appt.'s, lab results, doctor calls, etc. This last year has been one of extreme stress (and not only life after Sam's accident) and I for one and ready for the normal stuff. It is so hard to believe that it has been almost a year since we were in Wpg-- it wasnt that long ago that I was saying that it was hard to believe it was a month and then 3 months.... time goes by so quickly.

Trace Atkins is one of my favorite country singers and when i hear his song "You're going to miss this..." it makes me cry. Because when i first heard it, it was before all this so it meant something else. Now when i hear it, the meaning of this song is so much stronger and holds a whole different meaning for me. It is one that makes me think of all that we could have lost and how much more we appreciate our family and the time we have with them now.

I have so many thoughts rattling around in my head these days that i must sit down and categorize them all! Maybe my posts can have more continuity to them...a bit more clarification, but then if i did that you would all maybe think that someone else was writing for me...lol.. i need to laugh here or else i would cry. just one of those days i guess..

Updates on the family...

I sometimes wonder if everyone believes we have 3 other kids since this blog WAS originally begun as something for Sam to use later to see how far he has come and to keep family and friends that are far away in the loop with our life and Sam's progress. It then evolved into more of a 'this is our life' and a learning tool for both Dennis and I AND to the general public on TBI, then it once again morphed into a ranting and therapy space for me. I still havent 100% nailed down what all its purpose but for the most part when i need to rant and update or whatever I tend to do it here... which brings me to this....

Yes we DO have 3 other children and today i felt it was time to update on them and what is happening in their lives (and how it is affecting mine! lol)

First I will begin with Joshua. Joshua is my oldest (he will be 15 on FRIDAY!!!) He is moving on to grade 9 next year (the high school end of the school) and this summer is going to look for his first "job" (meaning not one that is paid by either us as parents or other family members). He is a strapping 6'2" at last measure (that was a few months ago!) and ever the farm boy! He goes to either my mom's or to Dennis folks to get his 'fix' of farming 'big scale'. He is still quiet fromlast summer but we have noticed tho that he is changed in ways that alot of 14 yr old boys arent like. He DOES actually love his siblings (for the most part i am sure) and will help his younger sister and have fun with the family when there is no one but us around. He has a wicked sense of humour that he loves to tease us all with! he faces just shines and his eyes get that mischievous glean when he is relaxed and ready to let go of his 'grow'd up' side. He loves to be outside and is such a hard worker! We have to get this boy to learn how to not be such a workaholic! lol

I will skip over Sam right now since most of the postings on here are about him and move onn to Isaac.

Isaac is heading out to the Jr. high in the fall (same school as the boys but on the other end). He will be in grade 7. Isaac is our resident dreamer, performer and artist. He loves anything that is NOT labour intensive... he likes to be the thinker, or the foreman of jobs-- that way he figures he doesnt have to get his hands dirty! lol (you would think he would have learned by now that I make everyone get thier hands dirty!) Isaac loves all things that are creative. He will spend hours drawing cartoons, playing the piano or his flute, doodling, building Bionicles, creating things-- but he also loves his sports (which is funny to watch some days since he doesnt like to get dirty). right now Isaacs big plans in life are to first be a quarter back for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders and in the off season he will run a restaraunt. But we will just wait 'cuz next week he will change that plan and be the head president of Lego and create new Bionicles or the VP of Hasbro and make new games for kids to play...depends on his mood. Isaac has become quite affectionate since last summer. He is always in line for a hug, never misses a chance for a kiss or a squeeze from mom. (thats me!!!) He NEVER was like this before. He wasnt a snuggly baby or a huggy kid-- it was impossible to get one out of him! I am always amazed at the works God does in the lives of the kids after July 29. He took something that was tragic and made it wonderful. (not that i would want to do it over or at all if i had the choice...) but the change in our kids is remarkable.

(SIDE NOTE: please DO NOT think I think that our kids are perfect--far from it! And I know it. they are typical siblings but there are changes in them that literally just amaze me and make me Thank God for them!!!!)

Lastly and definitely not least is Hannah. Our baby just turned 10 last week! She is such a gurly girl... but man can she pack a wallop if the boys need it! lol She is about pink, fairies, Miley Cyrus, and being a girl. Our trip tp Winnipeg for her bday party (build a bear and shopping) was a blast! we spent 15 hours on the road away from home! Her and her friends had fun shopping at the mall and in VAlue Village (everyones favorite store!) and just spending the day with friends!
Hannah is still the mother hen of all and not too impressed to have to be away from us. She likes to stick close to home and be with mom and dad. Sometimes it hurts to see her like that now (we have to fight to get her to go somewhere without us), when she is such a social butterfly! My heart sang on Sat. to see her with her friends shopping, trying on clothes and giggling about little girl stuff--not a care in the world. She had just as much fun on Sunday showing Dennis all her purchases!

I guess I will also fill everyone in on Dennis too! He is changed too since last summer. He is more apt to jump in the van to just go and do something -- spur of the moment like. (ice cream to DQ, bike rides, etc) He did special ministry in church on my last Sunday. He spoke off some of the miracles we have seen since Sams accident -- to give the glory to God. He spoke so beautifully. Now my husband is NOT a public speaker, but that day he did and did it so well that he brought tears to many peoples eyes (yes mine included). He has definitely stepped out of his norm this year too. He has not only spoke publicly about Sam but also accepted virtual strangers help, prayers and questions. he has spent hours searching for info along with me and reading what we have found, going to the schools to talk about things and to doctor appointments.

I honestly wouldnt have wanted to go thru this last year without Dennis by my side. He has been so patient with me and my craziness (my not normal craziness too!) Sometimes I wonder if he knew all that we do now (not just with Sam but all the insane things that we have been thru) if he would do it all over... i know i would.

So that is it... that is the update on the Ginter clan for a bit now! I just wanted to update for a few reasons. One ... that yes there actually are other family members and they are not just figments of my wild imagination!lol) Two... so that if any of them ever look back on this time and want to read the blog, I dont want them to think that they were not a part of the whole process or that this whole year has been all about Samuel. And three... I want to be able to remember what all has been happening in our lives.(good memory but it is short you see....)

...

i have been trying for a few days to update here but cant seem to find the words to write. i feel like i am walking in a fog-- there is nothing wrong, everything is relatively well. i guess it is closer to saying feeling like i am waiting for the next shoe to drop.
i went for my gastroscopy-- apparently i have a hiatus hernia, and the med's i am on dont work for long -- if they work some days. so an operation (a nissen fundoplication) is proably the order of the day. i will see the specialist on June 17 (the week b4 i have to go to wpg for dental surgery... sigh)
My princess Hannah will be 10 tomorrow! She is so excited. i have arranged with friends to take 2 of her g/f and their moms to wpg and we are going to build-a-bear and to a mall to do some 'serious gurly time' with everyone. i hope to be in better spirits for tomorrow for my girl and for Saturday...
the last month there have been 2 young people die in our community, and i feel such sorrow for them, and to be honest, i feel guilt. Both boys were so young (18 and 13). they were both such tragic losses, for the family, their friends and the community. One was just a 'fluke' accident and one was not so much. I cant seem to shake the guilt. I know we are extremely blessed to have not only been through our ordeal but to be on the side of miraculous but why the guilt?
i cant explain the horrible ache in my stomach and the crying... why us? isnt that so selfish? why was my son spared and these boys werent? why do i feel so guilty that my son was shot in the head and survived and surpassed all expectations of the doctors? and both of these boys are gone now? i want to say that i know God was there with both boys, but if he could save mine ahy not them too? i want to be mad at Him for that, but i cant because He WAS there with Sam, He was with me and Dennis, He was with each of my children thru it all...
so i guess that would explain my fog maybe, maybe not... i think maybe i need to find someone to talk to about it all...or maybe do as my friend told me to do -- throw rocks at the barn... let out some frustration... i wonder if there are enough rocks on our farm?

Busy Week

Well we gave sam his ipod last night and he was pretty excited about it all... no kidding! lol So hopefully it will do some good for the last few weeks of school. Dennis and I are hoping to find out who his teachers are for next year sooner rather than later so we can talk with them and give them the info we were given from Wpg so they have the summer to digest it and maybe come up with some ideas that can work for us all. Please pray for them to understand and hear what we are trying to show them!
I am praying about the new endeavour with the TBI social network. I want to be sure that this is something that God is wanting me to do. It seems like it might be but before i go jumping into it I need to be sure... so prayers on that front would also be welcome.
I got a phone call yesterday from the GI Unit in Brandon and on Thursday I go in for a gastroscopy at 12.30. I am nervous about it and a bit worried... not particular reason.. just am. I am trying to give it to Him so I am not so stressed about it.
we got a letter yesterday from Winnipeg for Sam. He will be gonig in soon for another psych eval. just a matter of when now.... busy busy busy!
Samuel was in the other local paper this week! It was a cadet photo and he was in the middle and looked so good! i am going to stop in there today and get a copy of it emailed to me so I can post it on here.
I am not sure what is exactly on my mind or my heart these days that is making me feel so emotional. it is most likely a combination of everything but i feel like crying at the stupidest things lately. happy songs, sad ones, commercials, just sitting, doing laundry, driving.... typing on here.... like right now... i just cant explain why. and i hate it...
thank you for all the encouraging words that were posted on the blog a few days ago. they made my day (and the crying began... :) ) I love to write on here but some days i wonder if what i write makes any sense to anyone but me! lol I try to be as honest as i can without sounds like a complete nerd or twit... but somedays i miss that target completely i am sure! But thank you to all of you that posted and to everyone who reads but doesnt post! I apreciate the comments and please feel free to leave as many as you want! I love to hear from people! (I even allow annonymus commentors if you dont have accounts to post otherwise!)
God Bless you all!

Brain Injury Awareness Month

June is TBI awareness -- at least in Canada it is.
This month i will be working hard to spread the work to educate, educate, educate!!
I am going to start working on what i want to put on the networking system this week.
I need to come up with keywords that will be used to help ppl to find the site when it is online, a title for the site, a favicon (the picture that is in the we addy in the top left corner), a description or a mission statement for it. I have been puttering at it last week but this week it will get more attention to details! I am so psyched about this!

I went to the doc on friday and he got me put on the urgent list for a gastricoscopy in Bdn. I am hoping to get in soon... albert and GERD have been basically making me grouchy and irratiable with everyone and i apologize to my family for that. I just hope that the day for that procedure doesnt land on the same day as my dental surgery at the end of june. I am going into wpg for 2 days so they can take out my 2 bottom wisdom teeth. the dentist discovered that they arent erupting because my jaw bone is over the top corner of BOTH teeth! go figure....

we got sams ipod touch and today i will be playing with it and setting all the alarms for him for the rest of the school day. it is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cool and now i really want one! lol dennis says maybe i will have to talk to santa. i think i might just scrimp and save my pennies and see if i can get one b4 then... since i use my ipod when i am walking-- which here in manitoba is typically in the summer months! lol i think he will be excited although i think he already has an idea he is getting one-- not sure how but i think so...