what was lost is now found!!!!

YES!!!! sam's RIDER hat was found!! The museum called me last week to say that they had found it in an area of the museum (that she thought they hadnt been in) and they were holding it for us. So yesterday Dennis and I took Sam in for the last of his Phsyc. Eval. and while he was with the doctor, we went to pick it up. sam is just a "bit" excited on the return of his hat! lol

More good news is that the doctors we saw yesterday aer going to send info on the areas that Sam needs his help in to the schools -- for example... his problem solving (like math) is slightly deficient. (which is due to his organizational skills being low --makes sense...) his vocabulary is high!!!! (i was not surprised at this as the boy uses his words ALL THE TIME! lol) On the serious note tho we also discovered that there was a misunderstanding with the doctor that referred us to the phsyc. eval. told me that we were going to be going to those appt for PTS(post traumatic stress) but they were told to do a regular eval... so no wonder we were all confused and hoping for more!

But none the less Dennis was very happy with what he learned yesterday, but i on the other hand was expecting something different...maybe more(but then we thot it was testing for PTS...). I was hoping for some helpful tools to use with him at home. Dennis pointed out to me on our way home that maybe we need to stop expecting help from the outside and keep doing what i am doing and look on my own and we will continue to work by trial and error with all the kids (like we do with normal parenting skills LOL) He feels that if we stop worrying about when we will get some help maybe the stress in our lives will lessen... so i am going to take the advice of my husband (who usually is good at this sort of thing...) and try to not worry about the whole thing and we will take it as we have been day by day (sometimes hour by hour).

I have been reading "In an Instant" by Lee and Bob Woodruff. It is written by both on thier life together and thier journey with TBI. Bob was an ABC correspondent and while working on a story in Afganhistan his tank was hit by an IED. It is a very moving story and i identify so much with the story but not in a way I thought i would. I find it hard to read somedays without thinking about my dad and what i went thru with his TBI. (for those who dont know my dad was beaten up 12 yrs ago by someone and left a quadripelic and severely brain damaged.) It was because of my dad that when i was in college 4 years ago, doing my Educational Assistant Certification, that my major paper was on TBI and helped me to not only understand what the doctors all were telling us about Sam that first night and days after but on where to start on looking for information about TBI. (I have quite a bit of experience with TBI... too much some days and not enough on others. I have gone from the extreme of paralysis and the mental loss of my father to the next extreme of a walking/talking miracle but people not understanding that there is a deficiency.)

that was quite a ramble...

Other good news with our family is that Joshua, Isaac and Hannah all seem to be settling finally. There are still moments but then when isnt there with kids, right? But as an email from a friend pointed out that they:
"are so competent and pleasant to me and particularly each other. It's obvious that they are accustomed to working around home and they just go ahead and do things with out prompting. Their interaction with each other is so wonderful to see. I'm sure they do have their times but it is so evident that they usually enjoy each other's company"
It was an email that made me cry this morning when i read it. It made me feel good about our kids and that maybe (just maybe) we are on the right track with them and they might just be doing what God gave us families for...to pull together and stick together when times are not the usual.

up and down!

ok sams weight this week is down again! I wish i could lose it as easily as he seems too! Again i offered to give him my extra 10-20 lbs... but said said "no mom, you keep it"...sigh so we are back to square one with his weight! He is going to really need to pack on the pounds and muscle if he intends to even try out for football this year!

APB ALERT!!!!

<-------please be on the look out for a green Saskatchewan RoughRiders hat! It is set to fit Samuels head and it has the autograph of #7 Weston Dressler (This is him signing Sam's hat-------------------------------------->)
on the peak. Last seen at the Manitoba Museum yesterday in the 'school coat check' area. This hat was a special gift to Sam from a dear friend and it only increased in value when we were at the "Banjo Bowl" of 2008 and Sam was able to see his favorite team play AND he got it signed!
(just a side note-- RIDERS WON!!!!!!)
I have called the museum and they have looked for it but apparently it isnt there. Sam is just a bit upset so i might see if i can get a hold of the team and ask if i send my hat if they can sign it for him....they might, you never know...
but in the mean time-- if you happen to see a hat that looks like this... dont snatch it and run, ask if they found it and explain the story of the hat to them... maybe direct them to the blog and the posting of the football game in Sept'08... maybe they will return it!

thank you now back to my usual ranting....

pick pick pick

now i KNOW that siblings pick at each other (I may not have any siblings but after the last 14yrs of kids i have an idea of it) but this afternoon Samuel is picking at everyone for EVERYTHING and i am at the end of my rope... I have once again sent him to his room (after numerous attempts of asking what was wrong and why he was in happy-- all answers are "nothing"...) I guess the good times only last so long! I hate to say it but i hope there is school tomorrow so i can have sometime to myself without feeling like I am always 'picking' at Sam about 'picking' at everyone

changes...

"change is good donkey!" that is my motto! I love change... apparently even if it is for the worse.
well change has occurred once again... i no sooner got my title and first line typed and for lack of a better term "all hell broke loose". I was going to tell of how Sam's attitude and sleeping patterns have changed and how much this past week was so much better than anything we have had in the last month or more... and BAM! He out and lays into Isaac and punches him for asking something about the wii... sigh. so off goes the wii, Sam to his room and my sanity slowly slipping away!

Today is a snow day(they ALWAYS happen on my days off-- i should change my work schedule to Mon-Wed!) so the kids are all home and my husband decided to drive into work today leaving me with the Samuel fallout... again. Mind you if Dennis had have been home it probably wouldnt have happened as Sam tends to leave his tantrums for me and only me.

But as I was going to share before this all happened (back to my previously scheduled posting!)
We moved Samuel up to the main floor last week and he is seeming to sleep better, which is helping his moods (for the most part) and his attitude. We tried a few new things last week so we are unsure as to of what is really the "cure all" or maybe it is all 3 things combined! We moved him upstairs, we are elevating his bed a bit more and we are tying his feet together. I know that last one sounds a bit odd and i am nervous about putting it on here but i have talked to our dr. about it and it seems to be helping with a few areas with Sam's restless sleeping. First let me say that he is able to get out of this! We arent tying him to a bed or using major scary knots. we use his housecoat belt and tie a loose bow around his ankles. this is supposed to help him from contorting into his unusal positions when he sleeps (and it works he says) and it will help him to get a better sleep... we tried it and it works so we will continue to use it until we can find out why his sleep patterns are so goofy!
He is also working out 3 times a week with the bowflex! He drinks his powdered protein chocolate drink then goes and does a simple basic all over body workout for 20-30 minutes downstairs! He had lost some weight last week but this week he is back up and more! 1.3pounds!!!!!! So we will continue with this too! He needs to get some more meat on his bones! He is so frail it scares me to think of him on a football field!

Well changes are happening on my blog too! I am trying hard to make it more "me/us", there will be possibly a new title coming soon and hopefully with more information if anyone is interested in learning more about Brain Injuries. I actually happened into a chat room the other day with TBI survivors and family members! it is nice to know that i can go talk to people who actually understand the brain issues! I am trying to post sites that are informative but also easy to read nad understand. I get a bit "frazzled' when i am reading and trying to take in all that some of the sites are talking about. So if i have posted something a site that is hard to understand or navigate please let me know so i can check it out!

still a learnin'...

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

~Annie Johnson Flint (1866-1932)~

I started reading the book of Hebrews this week and this morning when i was reading it (from my Bible at home) this poem/song was part of the devotional and it spoke to me. i know that God allows things to happen for reasons, and i know that i need to listen and learn to what those reasons are. so i am 'back to school' with God and i am going to work at find out what I AM TO LEARN from what is happening in our lives.
i get daily devotionals from Proverbs 31 Women Ministries (www.proverbs31.org) and on Wed this week there was a suggestion from devo. to read Hebrews and to also write out the verses that really touch my heart and speak to me.... so i am. I am on Chapter 3 and have almost a page of verse! (the author suggested on index cards-- but i am more of a scribbler kinda gal).
I have been really enjoying my daily reading and time with God while reading these passages. And they are making me think... which is maybe something else i needed to do- stop worrying and thinking all the time about our issues (ok-- obessing maybe?) and start looking at the bigger picture. so i am going to work hard at this! I have also been reading Max Lucado's book Travelling Light. It is one that is to help with carrying your own baggage--but only what is needed! Let God do what He can do, basically.

Some good news to share! Sam has started 'working out' with the bowflex 3 times a week. He drinks a protein drink and then works out and after 3 sessions dennis can already see an improvement in his strength! we are also moving Sam upstairs to josh's old room so that he is able to have time to himself without anyone there to 'annoy' him (his words...lol) we are hoping that this will help his moods and his sleeping. We also weighed sam last week on Monday and he is up to 103lbs. i am going to add a sidebar on the site with his weight gains, so we can keep better track of it and he can see it too if needed! We have said he needs to gain at least 20 pounds before we will let him try out for football-- (refresher info-- he was 112lbs the day of the accident and 10 days later he was 87lbs.... ) Some interesting info i learned this week with my websearching for ABI was that brain injury survivors tend to not only have nausea and headaches but with where the bullets hit in Sams brain it may have damaged his sense of taste and smell... so food is not all too appetizing (chocolate is one item we KNOW for sure that he has his moments with...sometimes it tastes like dirt he says!) So we need to find other ways to get him to put on some weight (i have offered him my extra 10pounds but he declined... sigh .... kids...)

not seeing eye to eye

Dennis and i have not been seeing eye to eye it seems with how to deal with sam and his issues. i am not sure what to do or say about anything anymore. i feel lost in all the information i have filling my brain...lost in the house some days... lost in my head with what has happened. unfortunately i verbally vomited today on 2 people-- one was a lady at work. she came in for some stuff and i happened to be extremely frustrated and it all came out and then when i tried to tell dennis about my day and how it started... i did it again and i am afraid it was not in a nice manner. i am hoping that my sessions with the counsellor will start to help (once i have had more than one session that is) but i thinki am far too good at disguising what is really going on in my head and in our house to share with others who could make a face to face evaluation of it all... and tell me how miserably i am really failing at this all. that is it in a nutshell i guess. i feel like i am failing.
i am failing sam with not getting the help that he needs. everytime i am sent to someone i am failing at asking the questions that need answers so that we can get pointed in the right direction for help.
i am failing the other kids with being so tired both physically and emotionally at the end of the day.
i am failing dennis for the same reasons but all that i am not able to be as strong and supportive as he needs me to be.
i am failing my friends for not spending time with them and being a good friend.
i am failing myself for all the above reasons.
i realize the tone of this post but today... i feel like a complete and total failure... nothing new really... only change is that today i vocalized it.

i am having trouble with this eye to eye thing with dennis. i feel like he is trying to 'fix' things the way that a man would with any other problem. but this isnt an issue that can be fixed that way. i know-- i have tired. raising my voice, getting angry wont work this time. i think it is going to take a much more quiet, subdued manner-- neither of which either of us is the best at. come to think of it-- no one in our house is. i have been on the net tonight looking up all sorts of ABI (aquired brain injury) sites to help with some ideas of how to deal with sams anger, frustrations and moodiness (and i will say now that if one more person says to me about 'ahhhh typical teen behaviour' i will smack them... so fair warning! i am aware of typical teen behaviour-- this is NOT IT!) and the news i got was that 'this is normal ABI behaviour' and it can last a few years to a life time... but no real firm answers, which makes sense, since every BODY is different and every injury is different. so i need to get creative (and patient) and come up with some ideas i guess...
I am hoping to talk to another parent (referred to me by the MBIA in Brandon) about this very thing... so i also need to wait for her to call...(did i mention that i am not good with waiting?)

dazed and only slightly confused...

that is me after this weeks appointments in Winnipeg. I thought we were going in so that the doctor (psychologist) would talk to Sam about the accident or at least how things were going now... nope.... she didnt talk AT ALL about either with him! Sam told me that they did math questions, drawing (copying), reading, spelling, etc-- basically school work...*sigh* i am not going to complain about this but it does make hme wonder what it was all for! He had already done testing like this before with the occupational therapist! SO what was the point of this now?... I have no idea. I was never given anytime to talk to her without Sam present and I try to not discuss things about his attitudes and moods with him there (I dont want him playing things up AND he gets upset)

She is coming out next week (i hope) to view Sam at school (in my humble opinion) I think it would have ben better to arrange that before he knew who she was--we all know how teens act when they think they are being watched. Then in February Dennis and I will go in for an appt with her (without Sam) to see what the results are of the testings... so i hope it will all fall into place for me then (proverbial penny dropping time!)

As for how our week went, Sam didnt sleep well at all. He snored and tossed and turned all nights and on Tuesday his appt in the morning was cut short when he asked if he could go back to the Ronald MacDonal House to sleep. He was really pale, dark curlces under his eyes and he was slurring his words and was slow moving. This was all fine and after a sleep in the morning, we resumed his afternoon appt with the Doc. and he completed it all. But then he was overtired and going a mile a minute like he had drank a few pots of coffee AND had a big bottle of Pepsi! I took him to Chapters to go look at books-- hoping that this would calm him down ... well not at first... he seemed to go into overdrive when we went to the mall to the pet store (one of sam's all time favorite places to go when in wpg). he was so 'go go go' it was like a 5 yr old on speed! so i took him back to the RMH to relax, eat dinner and make our way to bedtime!(which he didnt fall asleep til 10.45!)

I spoke with the psych. last night and there wont be muchhelp for us with sam at school by what she told me, after talking with my counselor (she is helping me to deal with the stress) I am going to see if i can get Dr. Chapman maybe to come with me or write a letter to the school telling about sam needing breaks and no running or bouncing and how to spot his tired spells. So we will see...

Sunny spots this week: Sam and I spent 4 days together and had some fun! We went to a movie (saw Twilight-- gret movie!), we got sam some clothes (he is growing like a weed on a manure pile!lol) and we walked and walked and walked! The weather was fabulous and even though we spent it all indoors-- we were able to walk to the CHildrens hospital which is only 2 blocks from the RMH!!! It was a good week of time spent with Sam (minus the doc appt's) but i thorooughly enjoyed myself wth him. I know soon he will be 'too cool', 'too old' and 'too uninterested' in spending time with me (so i am told by other parents) so i relish this time with ANY of my kids that want to spent time with me!

glass half full... and other stuff

this week has NOT been a stellar one for our house. (to be honest i cant think of when we last had one...) things have been so unbalanced, so turmoil filled, so brutally negative emotionally that i am glad to say that it is friday and a new week is just around the corner. but with that said it is BECAUSE of next week that this week has been what it is...
sam and i leave for wpg on sunday after lunch until wed. for his psych evalutions. he is not a happy camper about it and it is taking a toll on sam, and the rest of our house. he has been unreasonable with everyone about every little thing it seems, which is starting to grate on everyones nerves. if he is asked to do ANYTHING there is a sigh and a desperate need for the person to brace themselves for the coming onslaught of backtalk, disgust, crying and possibly yelling from sam.
i find it extremely hard some days to keep my temper (and to be sure ... i have lost it a few times with him) and to try to remember that it is not always "sam" talking--some days (most days) it is the injury (or as we 'joke' -- the bullet). I have had my fair share of crying jags this week while on the treadmill, driving to work, washing dishes, working out and just about anywhere you can think of.
I am struggling with trying to stay on top of everyones emotions and moods and not have any feeling that they are being left out or are forgotten in this new life we live...but somedays i desperately want to walk away and not look back. i want to wake up from this 'dream' and have things back to normal and be dealing with normal teens issues. I get extremely frustrated when i am trying to explain how our life is changed and how we now live to family and friends who ask how things are going and have them reply with "well he LOOKS like he is doing great!" I want to say to them (and i have on a few occassions) 'you should come and be at our house in the morning before school or right after school, or when sam is having an 'episode'.... things dont look quite so rosy then, trust me!" but mostly i say " he is doing well physically' and leave it at that.

sam moods and attitudes this week, i think, are due to next weeks impending appts. He gets very upset when he is having to talk about the accident. he will talk about some things of the day in generalities but overall he breaks down crying and sobbing. especially when he talks about one day inparticular...
we had been moved to the stepdown floor (out of PICU) and we had been there a few days already and the nurses had started to try to give sam a bit more independence--so they removed one side rail(now he was able to get up to use the bathroom) well i had been curled up on the chair beside his bed and sam was napping with his scar resting on the other side rail (he liked the feel of the cool metal on it) and he woke up and looked over to me and asked 'who sat on my bed earlier?' ..'no one was here' i told him...'yes' he repplies' they were sitting here' and at that he reached behind him and made a motion to tap the bed behind him but he stopped midair .. as if his hand were resting on something.'here they are' he said.and he rested his hand there for a moment and went back to sleep as i said to him'there is no one there sammi'.... i had a strange feeling come over me when i said that and then almost a peaceful feeling. then i forgot about it until about a month later dennis asked me about it when we were at home (i had told him about the conversation that night when i was talking to him!)

when we talk about that day sammi always gets upset, which now makes me wonder not who was there with us but thankful that they were. we believe that it was sam's angel. i am sure God sent him an angel to sit and watch over him and that day/moment he was so lucid sam could feel and possibly see his angel. it does make me wonder however why it bothers him so much...

today someone pointed out tat we are most definitely a country and a community of people that have very little reasons to complain. we have electricity, water, food, houses, cell phones, wiis, every possible new gadget that you can imagine... yet we do complain. we complain about such a wide variety of topics i am not even going to start. and it made me think... almost 6 months ago, we almost lost one of our children. we came undescribly close to losing something (someone) that can never be replaced... and yet i feel like i am complaining. our outcome in this tragedy could have been so much worse in so many ways other than death too! and here i type, complaining about how our lives have changed. i am going to try to work harder to see the blessings in our lives... a kind of half full glass, if you get what i mean!

**note** i started this post in the morning and i was hit with my 'enlightenment' after thefact of starting this post! i am keeping the beginning of the post still too tho. i do intend to work on the blessings but i also need to be honest and true to everything else... just not so much maybe?

darn flu bugs

Sam woke up this morning not feeling too good but i sent him to school anyway (what a nice mom eh!) and thought once he got there he would perk up. WRONG. he caled me around 10.15 and didnt sound good. so i went and picked him up and after a brief converstaion with dennis, sam and i headed in to see Dr. Chapman. (it was awesome for them to fit us in so fast!) Because we were told that until spring we are to be on alert for seizures and to be on alert when he has a fever.... but we werent told what to be on a lert for! so off we went to see the doc. and he checked sam out and dr. figured that sam has a bug that is going around... whew! so i have settled sam into bed and i am going to work from home today. and hopefully he feels better soon.
dr. also gave me some good news (well good if you know me!lol)i can go back to drinking my coffee!! the list of 'no no' foods that i gave to him that i found on line about ulcers and acid reflux, he told me to not worry about it!!! whoo hooo! i am still going to try to leave my coffee intake for weekends so i can enjoy them but i was worried i was going to have to go no coffee totally.... sigh... i feel better now! :-D

also, i had a few prayers answered this morning! I am so happy about this and i have felt a large weight lift off my shoulders too. things seem to be heading in a direction with regards to help for the kids. well i have a few leads on things AND an offer from someone to help find the help we need! i definitely feel lighter today than i have for weeks. God is so amazing to know just when to answer a prayer and even answer a few that i wasnt aware i was asking! it thrills me to know that He is in our corner and 'has our back' when we think we are alone in our fights.

suggestions welcome

Sam weighed in yesterday and is still only 101 lbs. i am worried about him. he isnt sleeping well, he is not gaining weight, he seems ok but not really.... maybe just a bit off (if that makes any sense). he eats but not enough, so i wonder if he is stressing about something. i know he cant gain it all back over night but after 5 months you would think he would be a bit heavier. we have a dr. appt on thursday and i will talk to the doctor about it.
We all sat down the other night and talked about the summer and fall we had and what their reactions and feelings were to it all ... they all sat stone faced and quiet... not saying anything... it made my heart hurt. so ddennis and i started with what we thought and felt thinking it may get them started... no... nothing really came out of anyone, withthe exception of hannah. we dragged it out of her that she is scared to leave us incase something else should happen--something bad... i know that is a normal reaction to stress with kids,but is was hard to hear. but we had to explain that we need to start talking or else we are going to go to see someone to help us deal with the trauma an stress we have been and are still living with... again -nothing. dennis and i are going to try it again once a week for a few weeks and see what happens, if anyone wants to talk. i hope so because at this point i am running out of ideas.
i am finding that my stomach issues are NOT geting any better (note to self- talk to dr about THAT too on thurs). It is to the point that i am being woke up in the middle of the night by Albert (my ulcer) and/or my acid reflux. I am cutting foods out of my diet, taking my meds but nothing is helping and it is to the point where i am always uncomfortable.... if its not one thing it is another.
i am also finding the constant educating of people to brain injury exhausting. especially since dennis and i are both learning alot on a daily basis ourselves! no one day is the same in our house these days it seems. no one episode is the same as the last. we are constantly on alert with sam for signs of tiredness, irritability, childish behaviour and when it appears it needs to be split second disected "is this because he is tired, hungry, confused? is it because of the accident or because he is a teen?how do we approach this one?" it is hard to talk to other parents about issues because i am always wondering if i am whining about a common parental problem or is it something that is totally foreign to them. then add in there the other 3 kids with their own issues... i am always open to suggestions if anyone has any... what would YOU do if it were you?

blindfolded with mitts on

my mom called me this morning to tell me that my cousin in Ontario that has cancer is not doing well. the doctors are not doing anymore treatments with him. I was hoping for a more positive start to the New Year.
I know a while back i had said i needed to stay real with how i was feeling about things in our lives and family... well here it is....
My kids are all a bit different right now . Josh is sick with something (kinda croupy coughs and just feeling like garbage) and quiet alot more--but still has that new nervous habit of making noise, Sam is NOT sleeping well at all and so he is exhausted all the time, Isaac seems to be more emotional and dramatic about almost everyething and Hannah is extremely clingy and emotional.... I would like to say it is just the Christmas blues...but i know better. I know my kids and what they are like.... this is not my kids. I think we need to all sit down and talk and try to get to the bottom of things and let some of this emotional "bottling up" that we all like to do, out. I think it is finally time to set everyone down and talk about what has happened with our family since this summer. I laugh sometimes about the counsellors that we talked to shortly after Sam's accident and how they all said "oh you are handling it all fine!" maybe they should see us now... it feels like my family is falling to pieces and slipping thru my fingers! I feel like I am trying to put together a puzzle in the dark .... with mitts on.

Sam's Surprise Party

We were actually able to pull of the BEST surprise for Sam! We had a surprise party for him on the last day of school before Christmas break! I picked up all his friends from school and then Dennis had Sam in the shop "finishing Grandpa and Grandma's Christmas present" while I filed them all into the house.Dennis then sent Sam into the house for fishing line... and there were his friends! They are such an awesome bunch of kids! They were all so excited for him and they seemed to have fun playing the wii -- Boogie (Karaoke game) and Dance Dance Revolution!

This Christmas season was busy for us all and Sam is showing the signs now of his exhaustion. When Hannah took some pictures of us all on the 27th Sammi was back to a 1/2 smile... the left side was too tired to smile. So we have been at home trying hard to get him back into a relaxing and "stress free" life.

It was hard to see how hard he worked to keep up with the other kids at the farm on Boxing Day. He was outside for about 5 hours with the kids building a snow fort and when he came back in he was so tired but in order to keep up with everyone else he let his mouth run off and get himself into trouble. But Dennis and I understood what was happening -- unfortunately others didnt and there were thoughts that he was being disrespectful and a trouble maker.... sigh... lets just say that the "mother bear" was having a hard time trying to hold her tongue!I can fractionally understand how tired Sam is most days, since I find it emotionally draining and physically exhausting to try to keep up with his moods and tiredness! If I am feeling this-- then -- what does this boy go thru on a daily basis!? I am just surprised tho at the reaction of family members to his coping skills -- I had hoped that they might try to be a bit more understanding and not see everything as "bad behaviour" and see it from his perspective. Maybe I expect too much from people?

I pray that 2009 is a year filled with healing for Sam. He is still so far from where he used to be, but so much farther from where the doctors thought he would be! Praise God!

It is almost here...

yes it is almost here. Tomorrow we celebrate Christmas. I am still not in my usual Christmas mood but Iam excited for tomorrow. I feel a peace that hasnt been in me for a long time. I feel happy about tomorrow coming but I am mostly sitting in a comfortable peace. It is a nice feeling . But tomorrow is the day that our children will open their gifts that we have bought them, it is the day that they will open the gifts that their siblings so carefully chose for them.

Tomorrow is Christ's birthday-- everyday i thank him for his wonderful gift of life -- in so many ways!

First, for his gift of everlasting life! Without that, these last few months, would not have been as bearable as they were. Without knowing that I will be in Heaven with Him, with my wonderful husband and my children, I dont know where we would be today ... literally. It was thru Christ that I was able to survive the drive to Winnipeg to Sam, the drive to Neepawa to my Mom when they both needed me. It was because of HIM that I was able to be who they needed me to be! Thank you Lord for that gift to me! You knew what was coming down the way at us before it all happened and You gave me the strength to stand thru it and not (totally) fall apart.

Second, He gave the gift of LIFE to my son, Sam! He gave him to me not only once as a baby, but again on July 29 when we werent sure if we would see our Sammi again! I will never be able to explain the fear in my heart as we hit the perimeter of Winnipeg and it all came to me what had happened-- but then I will never be able to explain the joy I felt when Sammi looked at me in the emergency room and he smiled with his lopsided,half paralyzed face. All I can say is this: God is so good!

I want to take this time to thank everyone! For the meals, the calls, the visits, the inquiries, the smiles, the hugs, the prayers...this list could go on forever! I know I will never be able to show you all just how much you mean to us and how much your care and concern for our family has touched our hearts...but thank you. I thank you all for being you and for allowing God to speak into your hearts what we needed to hear, see and expereince thru you all!

May you have the merriest of Christmases and a very healthy, happy and joyous New Year!

Can Christmas be over?

i am feeling increasing overwhelmed with Christmas and life in general. I am normally a huge fan of Christmas and all that goes with it, but not this year. I just want it all to be over with and life to return to whatever normal I can find. Between our spring, Sam and Dwayne I am finding it very difficult to be "merry"-- I just want Christmas to be over.I have to force myself to be socialable. (those who know me-- know that i am a VERY socialable person). I cant explain it ... just not me.


And, apparently, Albert (my ulcer) and I will be together for another year. Yesterday at the doctor (our monthly visit to see one of my favourite persons in town) he told me that I am still producing alot of acid in my stomach due to the stress that still has a hol on our household. (i guess then that he (Albert) and I will have a long and not very happy life together-- when is there never stress!?) So another year of med's to try to control him and possibly "divorce" him by next year.


The doctor is also going to have Sam go for another round of sleep clinic and we have to keep a dream journal for him (Sam not the doctor). Sam has never been one to talk of his dreams. He says he never remembers them, so maybe this is why the poor kid is so tired all the time. So we will see. he had a very emotional morning today and i was in tears as he left for school. He says he doesnt know what is wrong but he just feels down. he says there is no trouble or anything at school, so i am not sure. Hopefully when we get in to Wpg to see the "head doctor" (no not the neurologist either) she may have some useful tools for us to use to help him. It is heartbreaking for me. I just want to keep him home and let us both cry it all out til we are bone dry and cant even spit.


I have been extrememly emotinal myslef these days. I made an idiot of myself last Thursday by crying about some paper work for Sam that i forgot to mail. And i was at work... I find that i am crying at the stupidest times and for the dumbest reasons, commercials, songs, and not the sappy ones...just for no reason. So i have made an idiot of myself on a few occassions i guess...just not prepared to name them all.


Tonight is the Ladies Banquet at the church and I am in charge of the program. I shose to decorate in the Winter Wonderland theme, and found a great poem about snowflakes and uniqueness and thanks to God for the differences in snowflakes and in each person. Then there is a skit about "how to mke the perfect Woman" and how we are all unique and perfect in our own way... there is no recipe for THE perfect woman-- just perfection in God's eyes. It all tied together really well i think considering i took ideas from about 3 or 4 other programs. Then i had some awesome friends that offered to help me to decorate and sut up. They all showed up last night after supper to help and (again i wanted to cry... I never expected the extra help-- but God knew that I needed it!) the men helped to set up a background for photos to be taken. The whole overall effect is amazing! Thank you so much for all the help Barb, Rick, Harris, Jenn and my wonderful husband, Dennis. you have no idea how much it all meant to me last night!

just not there yet...

I am not too sure why but I am not in a "Christmassy" mood yet this year. I have my Nativity scenes out, and I know it is not the main reason of Christmas- but i have done most of the shopping, I have been listening to music and blah blah blah and all that jazz, but i am just not there yet. I honestly can say that if Christmas were to be over tomorrow I would be ok with that. OUr tree is not up (which for those of my friends and family who know me-- know that I BEG Dennis to let me get it up the last week of Nov and hold out to the first of Dec) But i even told him that I was ok with NOT having a tree or anything. I am working hard on trying to make things happy and cheerful for the kids but I really would love to skip it this year and crawl into bed for a good loooooong sleep!
We were at Mom's this weekend and got her tree up and her house decorated and it looks fabulous--even that didnt help to move my spirits. I think that it is just maybe too much for me...not sure. A friend who went thru a pretty traumatic and stressful summer and I were talking and i wonder if she didnt hit the nail on the head when she said that possibly we (she and I) were experiencing PTSD (post traumtic stress disorder) I know we are supposed to keep an eye on the boys for it (not too sure what it 'looks' like...) so maybe I am. I know that we have way too much going on and we are (Dennis and I) ready for a winter hibernation ...lol..but then who isnt...

I have one thing I am a bit excited over and it is about Sam's birthday. I cant say anything else tho incase he reads this OR someone else tells him about it--but rest assured he is going to love it!And THAT i am happy/excited about.

Sam has been really tired alot lately. Too the point where he is ready to sleep at 5.30pm, he is sleeping in longer in the mornings, and is just plain beat. I was worried he was coming down with something last week as he had a slight temperature and was white, but a day at home resting on the couch helped him to feel better. (we are not out the woods with fevers and infections...so he needs to stay healthy!) In a meeting with the teachers at school they all seemed to feel he was back to his normal self, and sometimes I see it too, but then comes the majority of the days where he is quiet, tired and withdrawn. I wonder if he is putting SO MUCH energy into "being normal" that it is what is wiping him out everyday. I watched him on Friday at my mom's while we decorated the tree, and he put on a few decorations and then just sat in the chair or laid on the couch and watched. I brought tears to my eyes when i watched him, because my bouncy energetic Sam was not there with us. I miss that Sam.

from one end to the other

yep... with one its his head and the other its his posterior, his backside, his sittin place-- are you intrigued!?

We were finally able to get into see a doctor that would actually give us an answer as to why Josh had had so much trouble with sitting since spring...and the answer was...he broke his tail bone! Way back in APRIL!!!!!!!!! Just after we had reshingled the house he began to complain about how sore his tail bone was and how painful it was sitting, so we did the usual "what have you been doing", "you probably hurt it playing football" blah blah blah, "lets just give it a few days and it will probably be fine..." well it never did get to be "fine" so we went to see Dr. Chapman and he had thought it might be a "dimple" at the base of his spine(kinda like an extra fold of skin) and he sent us to a plastic surgeon in Wpg.... who disagreed with him and said it seemed to be more of a bone issue and sent us to another surgeon--but a orthopedic one...who took a fabulous xray, which revealed the broken bone! (whew-- that was a long winded story!) So now to make this long story just a bit longer, Josh has no idea as to how he broke it, but for the next few months he is to use a doughnut for sitting on to see if it will heal. If it is showing no improvement in 4-5 months we are to go back to otrhopedic doc and he will perform surgery and cut the bone out so it isnt so painful.
So we will see...
Now my big query is this: any suggestions as to how to get a 14yr old to use a doughnut in jr high?

sleeeeeeeeeeep.......zzzzzzzzzz

Sam and I were in Winnipeg on Thursday night for the sleep clinic. I found it amusing to call it a sleep clinic when that is the last thing that a person does! Ok well the last thing that I did. The whole process was over and we were "finalized" and ready for "sleep" aka bed by 10.30 pm-- so a half hour of trying to watch a movie (we never got to see the end of it --or the beginning for that matter due to Sam getting hooked up to machines-- since i turned out the lights at 11 and sent him off to la-la-land) As you can see from the pictures... Sam had a nice normal bed-- i had a chair that folded into a "bed"... sleep was a low commodity i tell ya.

We were supposed to be "kicked out" at 6 am but since we got such a late start with sleep and the tech's were waiting for the respirology lab to send up someone to do oxygen level tests on Sam's blood Sam was able to sleep in until 6.45 and the booted us out at 7.00 instead!

We were told that he had no episodes through out the night-- which is good but also kind of bad in the fact that if he doesnt have sleep apnea then why is he so tired and sore when he sleeps at night...does this mean we are going to have to have more testing done? So basically we are at square one again...stay tuned to this blog for future updates... (LOL I crack me up... i know i know i need to get some better material...)

So as for now until we hear more from the doctor we know no more than we did before we had our sleep over. I really hope that there are some answers to why Sam is so tired and sore all the time. Poor kid-- some mornings I would LOVE to send him back to bed...then follow suit by crawling back into my own!

i am still a work in progress... and i am ok with that! (are you?)

After my last post, i wrestled hard with myself on whether i should leave it there or remove it. But my husband says that when people ask how things are going with us now, tell them the truth, no"fine" so i decided to leave it posted. And in keeping with being me. I am sincerely sorry if i have hurt anyones feelings with it, but that is how I WAS FEELING! I am still a work in progress when it comes to life, but i am also entitled to my feelings!
With that of my last post being said, i did take a few positive steps myself and have found that I feel better for it and think that if people have issues with us (or me) then either talk about it or suck it up and get on with life! As we have learned this summer, life is too short to be spent worrying on stuff that we cant control! So on to new topics....

Yesterday we had another CT scan in Wpg and athe god news is that it was all clear of infection!! YAAAAY! (not that there was any before but all the small victories make each day smilier!:) i wish i knew how to mkae emoticons on here!) BUT the new news was that ONCE AGAIN we are not out of the woods. **sigh** We are now on a 6 month "wait" before we are clear of infection risks. (granted he will always have a small chance of risk of infection since there is a foreign object in his brain...) but in 6 months we will be the clearest we are going to be! WHOO HOO!!
So we go back in to Wpg in May for (i hope) our last CT!!! Sam and I may just have a small party on that trip! lol
There was a small side effect tho yesterday and it was due to the contrast they had in the IV that Sam had. After we left the hospital and headed to the mall for lunch, Sam felt sick after he ate and he had a pain on the left side of his chest and left arm the rest of the day and he was EXTREMELY tired all of a sudden. So we ended our shopping and headed home with a bottle of pepto, a cup of steeped tea and Sam's jacket as a pillow. We were intending to do some grocery shopping and just hanging out together but he was in no shape to do so. He slept all the way to Portage La Prairie and then dozed off and on til Austin. He was beat and white as a sheet. I felt so bad for him. He looked even smaller than usual.
This morning he went to school but was tired and ALOT grumpy, but i asked him to at least give it a go since there is no school tomorrow for the kids. He can sleep all he wants!

I am really enjoying being back to work too!I think my job has changed a bit in that I have a bit more responsibilty when it comes to the planning of the worship service (the powerpoint part i mean) I cant explain it but i will be doing more reading and a bit of studying and a whole pile of praying that I do the right thing when it comes to choosing scripture. I am going to enjoy the challenge i know and once i have things organized in my head and in the office I hope to have it running smoothly again-- well a girl can hop can't she!?

My new leaf is I am trying to stay smiling and positive!

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can tranform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

~Bob Hope~

another casuality...

No... no one is hurt, not physically anyway, but its seems like we have lost a few friends since July 29th. I am not sure why this has happened (friends for a season perhaps) but for me it hurts (I cant speak for Dennis).

How is it that something that is traumatic to my family, has caused people who we considered close friends to drift away while other friends that we not have expected it from have become closer? Are they scared that they will be asked to do something? Do they not care about us as a family (and some friends were just like family)? Are they worried that our "bad happenings(or luck)" will some how transfer to them? Maybe they are just dont understand what goes in our house now? Could it be that they think we are making a big deal of it all? Maybe the thought is that we some how deserve this-- that Sam and Josh deserved this? Or that we are bad parents for letting him"play" with guns? Or maybe it is just that they think my children are bad influences for this to happen? I would really like to know...

In reality, this summer has been a HUGE change for our family and yes we have had to cut back on some activities (not to mention spending since I was not working) that we did so that we could let our son heal . Things like going out (Sam still cant be left alone and it STILL makes us nervous to leave him with Josh), visiting at others houses (Sam's social problems tend to shine when we are out-- so til we can get a system with him it is difficult to relax and enjoy time out!), but we can have people over, they could phone or email. Now please dont think I am so self centered as to think that other people dont have lives and their own stuff going on, we have tried to reach out to friends and have been met with awkward coffees, no answers to questions, or follow up to phone calls and if there is things going on in their lives ... no one will say (granted if they are trying to spare us any other "worries" isnt friendship a give and take: if you are down and out I am here for you not matter what i am going thru at the time... maybe its just me...

Yes we were busy with appointments and visits. Yes we were keeping our heads down for a bit, but with it all we still relied on friends to help keep us from drowning in it all. Maybe for some that is just too much responsibility. Maybe people dont want to talk about it and that is ok (I dont want to talk about it sometimes too!) It is not the center of my conversations, but if someone asks I will talk about it!

I am at a loss and it wouldn't matter what the reason, it still hurts. And if I have said or done anything to cause these feelings I personally would like to know so I can apologize and try to make things right, but if it is due to other reasons... I wish people would talk more about what they think and how they feel because being ignored is more painful then the truth i think. Maybe it is just me and I am too sensitive or read to much into stuff. Maybe I expect too much from a friend...I wish someone would tell me because it hurts....alot.